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Hey, everyone.

I'm honestly not sure whether I should post this journal and whether there's any point to doing so whatsoever, but I suppose I might feel a little bit better if I get some things off my chest. Be advised that this will likely get pretty depressing, so I recommend clicking away if you're not ready for this kind of read.

So you might have noticed that as of late, my activity has largely been reduced to being practically non-existent, with the only burst of activity being a bunch of older pictures that I decided to finally dump onto my gallery. And in general, the reason for this is that for at least several months now, I've been dealing with a general lack of motivation to do anything. I found it difficult to try sitting down and actually drawing anything, pony or not, and I ended up pretty much wasting my time over various pointless things, often neglecting more important things that kept on gnawing at my mind as something that I should finally take care of, but couldn't be bothered to, instead finding more interest in clawing at whatever could hold my attention for any measure of time.

One of the results of this was the commissions journal entry from not too long ago. In it, I promised various people to do pony commissions for them, hoping that maybe forcing myself to such an endeavor would get my motors going, but that did not work out either, and I essentially ended up going completely silent on those people, despite me promising that I would make pictures for them (for the record, I only ask for money once a preview image is ready, and those were not made). If you happen to be one of the people I made such a promise to, then I sincerely apologize for falsely raising your hopes and for my unprofessional way of handling all this. Once again I have proven that all I ever do is waste everyone's time.

I think this... crisis, as we can probably call it, started when I finally attempted to buy myself that laptop I was saving money towards. I was aiming for a super powerful laptop, one with plenty of space, with Win7 installed that I would use for the majority of tasks, and with Win10 installed on the side for the handful of occasions where I would actually need it. I looked up a Polish site that allowed me to select the components I wanted for my "dream" laptop, and over the course of the year I kept saving my money, regularly checking up on the particular setup I was looking for to see if the price ever changes and if there aren't any better options, constantly hyping up the eventual day of purchase. I ultimately ended up spending the equivalent of 2700$ on the damn thing, and when it finally arrived... I slowly realized what kind of mistake I have made.

To put it simply, it had proven to be impossible to install Win7 on the laptop. Me and my computer-knowledgeable uncle kept on unsuccessfully trying to install the system, but no matter what we did, the installation process kept on freezing somewhere at the beginning. By the looks of things, the laptop was designed in a way where it was simply incompatible with Win7.

And that alone was a complete and utter dealbreaker for me.

I will be honest with you. I don't like Win10. I refuse to be forced to use this thing. It changes the interface in ways I don't understand the train of thought behind, I don't like how it looks (seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make everything all white with no separators between stuff?), and there's many things I hold dear that no longer work on that system. So no matter how powerful the laptop was, Win10 was a barrier that I was not able or willing to get past.

And of course, instead of doing the right thing and returning the laptop within the 14 day return window, I had to be a dipshit and just sit around and wallow in my misery. By the time I finally got to my senses, the return window had already passed and I was stuck with the laptop I did not want, which effectively meant that the 2700$ I was saving up for a year went down the drain. Just like that.

And I think that... kind of broke me inside.

Ever since, I pretty much reduced myself to wasting my days playing old games and not knowing what to do with myself.

I lost my interest in drawing ponies, or anything else for that matter. I lost my interest in helping out with the Fallout-related project I was involved in. I lost interest in any activities I was involved in. Over time, I started withdrawing from many things. One by one, I cut down on the YouTube channels I used to follow with once unwavering loyalty. I cut down on the number of Discord channels I'm involved in. I either left or have transferred the ownership of deviantArt groups that I owned or was a part of. I gave up on even trying to participate in Derpibooru's OC collab for this year, and only at the last minute did I even bother to ask someone to just draw my OC for me, something that I should be able to do myself easily.

And I think part of the reason is that the laptop fiasco kind of opened my eyes to something important. Namely that, even though I'm only 28, I'm already a fossil in this ever-changing world. Stuck in my old ways, preferring the older titles that I'm nostalgic about over new releases, and having less and less of an understanding for the trends that the gaming industry and the world as a whole seems to be going with. I look at how people have to constantly fight with companies over unwanted changes being shoved down their throats, over insidious microtransactions and scummy business practices being forced upon them, over all those Internet-restricting laws that politicians try to bring into fruition, and I'm sitting here wondering: what happened to the good old days?

I am going to be perfectly honest with you. I never planned to reach elderly age. I always planned to end it all somewhere around 40-50 years of age, either through an unexpected heart failure that I'm sure I have coming my way, what with the excessive obesity I'm dealing with, or, should fate not be kind enough to remove the need for any actions on my part, to find some nice, tall building with nice thick pavement below and end it quickly and (hopefully) painlessly. And with all those issues that indicate that the world is leaving me more and more behind and that I'm not going to be able to stay in my old ways forever, I find myself thinking more and more that perhaps, I should revise my plans and bring that timestamp somewhere closer.

For the record, no matter what happens, I am NOT going to close my deviantArt account. Closing the account would only hurt me in the long run, and with the account being open, I can always return to it should my interest in drawing come back to me. And of course, I wouldn't want for my images to become lost as a result of such a closure.

Lately, I found a bit of a new spark of life in myself by rediscovering The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and its modding. It's been something that finally gave me something to look forward to and which finally rekindled at least a bit of my creativity, prompting me to churn out a mod after mod in quick succession. So there is at least a glimmer of hope that I have going on thanks to it, even though I'm not expecting it to last very long.

I think that what I'm planning to do right now is to tie up the loose ends I have going on with the projects that I've been neglecting, and then fully indulge myself in Oblivion modding. And once that source of happiness dries up, then well. Maybe I'll find something new to obsess over.

Or maybe it will be time to finally follow in Sayori's footsteps.

I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and a New Year's Eve, and I'm sorry I had to hit you with something this heavy. Here's to a better 2019, I guess.

Best regards,
Zu.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcynfinnegan:
CynFinnegan Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Hon, right now you've got to take care of yourself and not worry about us.  We'll be here when you decide to return.
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:icondomigon:
Domigon Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2019
I know what you're going through. Just know that I'll miss you
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:iconrahneehoneylizard:
RahneeHoneyLizard Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Depression is like that. It sucks, but I went through a few years of low motivation myself. I couldn't write for like, four years, I guess. Meds can help, and sometimes life changes, too. I went back to college (higher learning in the US) and then transferred to a university. Going to class everyday brought me some structure, which definitely helped. I do have more motivation and inspiration now, which got frustrating when I had to work on homework and essays instead.

Depression does suck, through all its shades of grey. As dark as it seems like right now, you can make it. You just need to find the best way to function with depression for you. Having structure helps me, but it might not work for you, since everyone is different.

Maybe set up timers? Set up a timer for a short time to draw, and draw anything. It could be scribbles, but at least you'd be drawing. From what I read, that can help unlock a block.

*hugs* Good luck. I hope you feel better. 
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:icontomfraggle:
TomFraggle Featured By Owner Edited Jan 3, 2019
Sorry to hear things aren't going so well, been there, done that.  Hopefully 2019 will shine some light in the darkness.

As for your new computer, I feel your pain.  I had plans to get a new PC/gaming system for Christmas in 2018, but wanted to build my own Windows 7 system.  Come to find out, most motherboards/processors now are manufactured to NOT work with Windows 7.  Since I too don't like Windows 10 or it's way over taking over the PC and doing things I don't want it to do, I'm still on my 11+ year old Win7 gaming PC I built back in November 2007.  It's becoming a dinosaur and starting to show signs of struggling with all the latest software I use daily.  (Chrome, Firefox, GIMP, WoW, LoTRO, Runescape, etc.)  I've updated the memory, but that can only do so much good, as it has plenty of it now, but lacks the processing power it seems as programs get more bigger and need more processing power.  So yeah, I'm bummed out going into 2019, still don't have a new PC yet, not sure if I'll even be able to build a new gaming PC with Win 7 now.  Guess I'll keep shopping, maybe I can find a good recent used one from someone and just upgrade the specs.

As for your new computer running Windows 7, find out what motherboard and processor is installed and research it.  See if there is a BIOS fix or if motherboard or processor is unfortunately preset to work with Windows 10 only.  I'm not sure if it's possible on your motherboard build or not, but at work with our Dell PC/motherboards we can run Windows 10 on the PCs and run Windows 7 through Virtual Box(Oracle Virtual Box) within Windows 10.  The software is free & open source, just Google "Oracle Virtual Box".  Maybe you can still run Windows 7 within Windows 10 to do what you want to do(unless you've already done that and I somehow missed it in your journal).  Yes, you'd still have to deal with booting into the Windows 10 nightmare as the primary OS, but you can use it to run Windows 7 as a virtual PC and run all your stuff in the Windows 7 environment.

(((EDIT: oh, might mention, use Windows 10 Pro, not Home.  Home is restricted and won't allow you the freedom you need to personalize your OS to run like you want it to run.)))

And don't worry about feeling old fashioned or out-of-date.  It's just a marketing ploy to get you to spend money.  I'm perfectly happy with my past and still liking all my older games, music, & movies from the 90s & 2000s.

Best of luck with laptop & life in 2019.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Edited Jan 3, 2019
Thank you for sharing some insight on the technicalities of the problem. I looked up at least some of this stuff before, but you summed it up quite nicely.

Here's the page for the laptop (Polish only): Saelic Vidi G532D J6G4RT The processor is Intel Core i5-7600 3.5GHz-4.1GHz, no clue on the motherboard. Oh, and the laptop does have Win10 Pro, not that it managed to help much in terms of not dissuading me from using this rendition of Windows.

I mentioned in another comment that I tried using VirtualBox before, but found myself unable to have it run smoothly and to correctly recognize the plugged in USB devices, even with the Guest Additions. It's possible that there might have been ways to get it to work, but by now I lost inclination to try messing with this further. I'm too inexperienced with this technical stuff to really figure out how to solve everything.

For now, I'm sticking with my ancient Win7 laptop. I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in doing something like this, so I definitely understand your situation with the PC you use.
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:icontomfraggle:
TomFraggle Featured By Owner Edited Jan 3, 2019
No problem, hope it all works out for you eventually.

Looked up your laptop and it's designed to work with Windows 10, not Win7.  The 7th gen processor won't support it, cause Microsoft won't support it either as of April 2017.  You can still use certain 6th gen processors to get Win7 to work, otherwise, you're pretty much stuck with Windows 10.  If you still want to use Windows 7, you'd need to find a good used 5th generation based processor(I3, I5, I7) computer.  There are rumors of possible hacks & cracks to get 7th gens to work, but you put yourself at risk as well with hackers & viruses if not careful.

Guess this also explains why Virtual Box won't work with it either, since Windows 7 won't run on a 7th gen processor.  I'll have to keep this in mind as our work equipment are all 4th & 5th generation processors, guess that's why Win 7 still works on them using Virtual Box without any issues.  Don't know if it'll help any, but Virtual Box did upgrade from Version 5 to Version 6 about two weeks ago, might have some new bells & whistles with it, haven't tried it yet though.

To be on the safe side, you'll need a 5th or earlier generation processor, but if your lucky to find a 6th generation processor for Win7, it's limited though as listed by Microsoft.
support.microsoft.com/en-us/he…

So I guess if I want a Windows 7 PC now, I'll need to find a 5th generation processor or one of those listed 6th generation processors. /sigh  At least I now know what to look for myself.

Good luck with your Windows 10 laptop.  If it at least has Pro edition, at least it's more manageable and you can workaround some of the software issues, but yeah, some older software will be a challenge to run on it.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Good to know that 5th generation processors is what I need to look for should I ever decide to have another go at buying myself a computer of any kind. Thank you for this information.

Also, I'm glad to have indirectly helped you become more knowledgeable on what processors to look for. Something good came out of my situation, at least...

Again, thanks for the all the info and advice. I'll remember you in the future should I need additional help with tech stuff. :)
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:icontomfraggle:
TomFraggle Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Glad to help, but I'm not that tech savvy, just know enough to be dangerous. ;P  But I'll help if I can, but others may have some good/better ideas as well.  Only took doing some research on Google to find information on the processor/motherboard/win7/win10 issue.

Before I stopped looking earlier today to go to work, it appears 5th generation was more laptop based than for desktops, as they didn't put out many 5th gen processors for desktops.  6th generation is for both(desktop & laptops), but it's a 50/50 risk of getting one that does or doesn't support Windows 7.

Yeah, maybe this will even help me now, I'll definitely have to go shopping soon for a 4th generation desktop since a 5th gen will be hard to find and just upgrade the specs(memory & video) if needed.  The 4th gen processor may be a few years old, but at least it won't be over a decade old like my current Duo Core and would at least allow me to run Win 7 on some type of better hardware before Win 7 reaches EOL in 2020.

Bad news though, it appears there is a processor shortage going on now and people are buying up whatever is left that will run Windows 7 stuff that don't like Win 10, so prices on Win 7 processors & hardware are really going up now.  I might have to just settle for a Win10 system after all if prices are cheaper for newer Win 10 hardware VS older Win 7 hardware now. /sigh
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:iconblueyoukai:
BlueYoukai Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Widzę sporo komentarzy, które już powiedziały w większości to, co chciałam, więc dodam tylko tyle - zepnij się. To będzie trudniejsze niż siedzenie w miejscu, ale trzeba się spiąć. Warto się spiąć. Warto się przymusić, żeby drobnymi kroczkami stanąć na nogi. No i warto mieć przy tym kogoś do pomocy.
Życzę udanego roku.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Będę próbować. Dzięki za sugestię, i Tobie też życzę udanego roku.
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:iconrautamiekka:
rautamiekka Featured By Owner Edited Jan 3, 2019  Student Artist
If the laptop is designed for Win10, it's close to impossible to make work with 7 since the drivers are largely incompatible.

You might get it work with 8.1, but I wouldn't recommend trying since it's quite likely they just won't work.

A VI$TA one might be possible, but like with installing XP to a 2k laptop, the drivers aren't exactly fully compatible.

You can, however, even the odds a little with a 10 machine by disabling Secure Boot and, if it's there, enabling Legacy Boot. That should allow other Win versions and any Linux to install (for a while already some Linuxes like Ubuntu has had the blessing from Micro$oft, allowing installation with Secure Boot enabled), but obviously you can't get a regular Mac to install (you need a Hackintosh).

EDIT: Just read other comments. Yes, the modern CPUs are designed to hate 7 and maybe 8.x, in which case you have to either use Linux or keep 10. 10 ain't all that bad when it works, which it does on my laptop cuz I replaced the preinstalled with Enterprise edition which allows to postpone feature updates up to 1y, security updates up to 1 month and change the branch channel from targeted to semi-annual, which gives you big updates 2 times a year when they're proven to be working instead of being all too often broken.

If you do get 7 to install on a modern CPU, you'll need github.com/zeffy/wufuc to disable the complaint Windows Update makes about unsupported CPU, otherwise you'll never get an update again, and that just won't do on Window$.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Hey, thank you for the detailed explanation.

We were actually messing with turning Secure Boot on and off during our unsuccessful tries to get Win7 to install, but as far as I remember, all we managed to accomplish is replacing the freezing with BSODs when the installation was trying to open. It really made me lose hope in us ever getting it to work after several hours.

For now, I'm sticking with my ancient Win7 laptop that I'm currently using. It may not have particularly impressive capabilities, but it at least functions the way I want it to. We'll see if I'll ever get the inclination to try giving Win10 another chance, though I find that unlikely.
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:iconrautamiekka:
rautamiekka Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Student Artist
Unless you switch to Linux or Mac, you won't be able to avoid Win10, as sad as that is, since the support for 7 and 8.1 will die eventually. Although ... now when I think about it, 8.1 totally losing support on January 10 2023 might be more likely to mean you won't even be able to buy older CPUs to keep running 8.1 with or without WUFUC; for a long time by now no one has reported more fuckups from M$ side for CPUs which are perfectly still supported.

At least, you can alleviate most of the Win10 problems by getting, way or another, Win10 Enterprise, setting a high post-pone period (I forgot to mention mine is set to 90 and 30) and change the branch channel, like I described. May not be the most legal option, but at least it works the best. That, and Enterprise has the most features of the regular Win10.
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:iconwebkilla:
webkilla Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
its all good - I dont mind that you aren't arting that much. Take a break, center yourself, find a new purpose in life.

You'll come out happier on the other side.

Just dont min-max too much with sigil stones. that's highly cheesy
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Thanks, I will.

I actually prefer playing through Oblivion by cheating left and right as I see fit. I like that feeling of power as I steamroll through everything.
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:iconjusu-tengu:
Jusu-Tengu Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019   Traditional Artist
Ughh, the new "modern" laptop thing I can relate with in spades. =_=''

I got mines during last Black Friday -- working like a manic dog opening 90 commission slots in total and rocketing through them... Only to get a laptop running Windows 10 with an abstract and disorienting mousepad design trope forcing me to buy a classic computer mouse and buying a USB microphone because of the dysfunctional 2-in-1 jack design opposed to keeping it separate. The only thing going for it is its high performance and touchscreen, but that's it. It seems like the tech trend of "advancement" is fixing things that weren't broken by making "simple", -scoff-, yeah, simply a pain in the ass...

But more about the OS though... I remember hearing from word-of-mouth that Microsoft released patches of some sort to prevent users from downgrading to Windows 7, so I think that was what could have been a major culprit of compromise.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Yep. Companies keep trying to shove things and changes we don't want down our throats in the name of "progress". It's a really sad trend that feels like it keeps on getting more and more traction the further we go. Really doesn't make me want to stick around to see how bad things will get 10 or 20 years from now.
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:iconjusu-tengu:
Jusu-Tengu Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019   Traditional Artist
It may seem concerning for me to say this but... I feel the same way about not wanting to stick around for too long -- what with everything else exacerbating as we speak... but then that becomes a very conflicting rumination of my fear of death and wanting to prosper and do things I've always wanted to do for myself no matter how long it takes, y'know?

Anyway, I wish you the best of joy to be derived from your modding endeavors, and whatever else you do in the future.
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:iconsonamy-666:
sonamy-666 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your health is more important than anything else. Worry about that more than anything going on here. We’ll be right here when you feel ready to come back. For now, just take care of yourself.
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:iconlazyradly:
lazyradly Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
As Varinki said, it's something to do with Skylake (and newer) processors being fussy when trying to install Windows 7 from USB. There are articles that give a workaround to this on Google. If all else fails, just use a virtual machine like VMWare.

There's nothing wrong with playing with old games. I'm 20 and I'm pretty obsessed with 90's and early 2000s stuff from my childhood. I don't care if people call me a fossil or whatever, because that's the stuff I like and what I find most inspiration in. As these sort of programs rekindle that inner child inside of me. You should specify what things you plan on doing in Windows 7, then we can try and help get those things working on Windows 10. Yes, yes, yes, you hate Windows 10 and all that, so did I. But I got over it and started using it as a normal PC. It can be annoying that some programs don't work, but as I said, it's not the end of the world and there's always a workaround to get it working or the existence of virtual machines.

Also, don't plan to kill yourself at 40 or 50. As a long life is an opportunity to do more good, so do as much as you can with your life. The world is painful and full of challenges for everyone, don't think killing yourself will make things easier. It will definitely make things worse, and it will make the people around you feel more sadness on top of what they're going through themselves. And before you argue, what can I do when I'm bedridden and paralyzed or whatever, you can't predict you will end up like that at even 60 or 70 and if you're really worried about that, then do as much good as you can before that happens. Don't kill yourself anticipating that it will happen.

It's good that you've found something to do by modding Oblivion but I'm afraid that after that, and you don't "find something new to obsess over" you'll get depressed again. You're a talented modder and artist, so don't let that go to waste. Collaborate with mod authors or modding projects, as those help with giving you a sense of importance and purpose. Take up more skills like learning 3D modeling in Blender, 3D animation in Blender / Maya, create custom Animated Perk Icons for Fallout 4 (a lot of mod authors are actually looking for these sorts of people for their mods) or if none of those really help with finding a purpose in your life, get religion. And yes, this is a serious suggestion because personally, I find that religion helps inspire me and lots of others' to do more good and realize that this world is full of challenges and that everyone is going through the same thing. It also helps change your worldview in a good way (though, I suppose that depends on the person you talk to)

All in all, it's your life and you do what you want with it but take what I and others are saying with consideration. Good luck and hope you live a long happy life.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
We were actually trying to install Win7 from a CD, albeit one created by burning an ISO onto an empty CD and by plugging an external CD drive into the USB slot (since the laptop does not have its own CD drive), but the result was what I described: the installation freezing shortly after starting to run (specifically when the initial Windows icon animation is starting to play).

I tried experimenting with VirtualBox, but unfortunately, even though I was messing with Guest Additions, I was not able to get the emulation to run smoothly and for any USB devices I plug in to be correctly detected by the thing. I eventually gave up out of pure helplessness.

There's a lot of things I tend to do on Win7 and which I am comfortable doing on this system, but would find either a chore to do on Win10 or would find them flat-out not working. Obviously, the most important part is the interface. As I described, I simply don't like the way Win10 looks and arranges things, and from what I've gathered, you are no longer able to use the Win98 theme on it, which is what I personally prefer and use every day. The Start Menu is this kind of Frankenstein monster that uses excessively giant icons obviously meant for mobile devices and which are NOT suited for desktops, and it makes searching for things considerably more inconvenient than Win7's simple list of currently installed programs and the simple search bar. The Control Panel obscures many things and makes them more difficult to find in a misguided attempt at being more "user friendly". The program I use on Win7 that adds very conveniently designed tabs to the Windows Explorer no longer works on Win10. And that's to say nothing of many older games I love. Yes, I could probably bypass many of those problems if I really pressed hard on it and kept asking around to find answers to the problems I'm having, but honestly, after the way I got burned by Win10, I don't even have the patience to try going through the meticulous process of carefully placing tons of bandaids on a fundamentally broken foundation.

Perhaps collaborating with others on Oblivion projects might just be what I need to get my gears going. I currently have no interest in Fallout projects (got tired of it for the time being), Skyrim and up never really interested me to begin with and they change things in the editor so drastically that I find myself unable to do the most basic of things in it, and Morrowind is too primitive in its modding capabilities for my tastes. And F4, well, let's just say that this game is the reason why I'm not planning to get any future Bethesda games and I'm just gonna stick to their older titles. And the tremendous trainwreck that F76 has proven to be (judging by the incredible amounts of backlash it has gotten) further cemented this decision.

I'm not sure if I want to venture into the highly sensitive topic of religion, but considering how frank I've been in the journal entry proper (my mind was in a pretty dark place when I was writing it early in the morning; feeling better now), I might as well lay my cards on the table with this one. I apologize if I might sound pretentious or offensive by saying this, but simply put, I'm fairly close to an atheist in my beliefs, and the religions I've seen, Christianity in particular, come off to me as an adult and for some reason socially acceptable version of believing in Santa. Trying to lay my beliefs into their concepts would feel as arbitrary and fake to me as trying to believe in Santa again. Nevermind the fact that Christianity has various things in it that either seem contradictory (compare the bloodthirsty God from the Old Testament with the "forgiving father of all" image he has nowadays) or just flat-out not desirable to me, like how apparently 70+ years of doing things equals an eternity of either being stuck with the worst people of history, or having to spend your every waking moment singing in an angelic choir (since I don't imagine there are many things you can do that aren't sinful in some way, which means that Heaven is in all likelihood a really, really boring place to be).

What I personally believe in is that there are countless alternate universes out there, including ones that have all those fantastical elements we see in fantasy and sci-fi stories, but we just happen to be living in the universe where there are either no gods to speak of, or they are putting absolutely no effort into making it clear to us that they do in fact exist. And when it comes to afterlife, I personally believe in two options:

A) Everything is essentially a giant MMO where, once your character dies, you simply find a new server to join and then start a new character there;

B) There's nothing after death, and once you die, that is it, nothing more comes.

And I would be okay with either of those two. The former is what I hope to be the case, since it seems the most logical and fair. And if the latter is the case, then well, it's not like I will be aware of how I no longer exist once I die. And I'm not aware, then there's no pain or suffering to speak of.

In any case, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and respond to them, I really appreciate it. Hopefully things will get better for me. Time will tell.
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:iconvarinki:
Varinki Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
This might have something do do with it if you have a Skylake (or newer) processor and are trying to install Win 7 from a USB.
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
We were actually trying to install it from a CD, albeit one created by burning on ISO onto an empty CD and by plugging an external CD drive into the USB slot (since the laptop does not have its own CD drive), but the result was what I described: the installation freezing shortly after starting to run (specifically when the initial Windows icon animation is starting to play).
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:iconvarinki:
Varinki Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Yeah but what is happening is all of the USB ports are dropping out because even when installing from a disk the USB ports won't work. So the drive is getting cut off from the laptop.
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:iconx-x-punk-angel-x-x:
X-x-Punk-Angel-x-X Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
hiya Zu, 

I believe I know what youre going through..... I actually just recently came back to DA after 4 years of nothing lol.... I lost my spark in drawing... and I felt lost... and depressed... I hated how I had lost a big part of me.. and I pushed it away to stop the hurt! I just couldn't get my own style.. everyone on here with their beautiful artwork and whatever I made... I felt it was trash.. but after taking this break for the past couple of years I think I finally feel up to trying to push myself and start creating again. 

After seeing your journal entry I looked at your gallery and let me say its amazing! I was a huge fan of mlp (still am!) and your art is funny, colorful, and adorable! im not sure how much this will mean considering im just a random person lol but I wanted to let you know youre not alone, and don't give up on your art! I think you just need some time to relax and get to a good peace of mind and it will be okay... 

Also I think its a good choice to not close your account.. I didn't and 4 years later all my crap is still here and im happy lol.. But please take it easy on yourself and don't stress.. depression isn't easy but don't let it consume you! might sound cheesy but you can send a note my way if you wanna talk with someone :) 

I hope with time you will start to feel better! you have a lot of talent! and when you can let us know how youre doing soon :) 
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I really appreciate it. Hopefully things will get better for me over time.
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:iconmusical-medic:
Musical-Medic Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2019  Professional Digital Artist
Hey, I just happened to see this before going to bed and wanted to say something. I'm sorry if this seems really disjointed but I'm extremely tired right now.

Please, PLEASE don't kill yourself. I understand the dullness and feeling like you're just wasting your life away right now, and I've thought about killing myself plenty of times , but it isn't worth it. There will always be something new to obsess over. there will always be something else happening. There will always be the possibility for change. There will never be something, or someone like you again.
A few years ago I had basically dropped everything I loved and felt the same way. I had never expected to live past my 20s because I thought I was going to kill myself beforehand. Art was at a standstill and I had lost hope of ever being happy again to be right honest. 
I had to change my world view. I was poisoning myself with my negativity and it helped me so much to just do little things. I stopped the jokes about wanting to kill myself. I started actually drinking water and getting a good night's rest (I say at 1am. lol.) I worked on my poor hygiene and other faults I had. I found that doing simple things really helped me in the long run. It didn't solve everything, but it helped.
 
I'm not saying you're like me, I'm just saying I've been in that spot, and it's gotten better for me after at least 4 years of thinking it wouldn't. I felt like a failure. I felt like I'd never accomplish anything in life. But things have been steadily and slowly going up for me. and I know that at some point, it will for you too.
If anything, live for spite. Live to spite greedy companies. Live to spite the politicians trying to pull their bullshit. Live to spite everyone that doesn't want you to or is putting you down. 

Even then though, I'm a stranger but I know for a fact that there's someone out there that cares about you. There's someone worried about you. There's someone who's going to miss you every day. There are people in my life that have committed suicide that I only talked to once or twice but felt the pain of them being gone and how much of a tragedy that was. Someone's going to think of you and miss you.
Talk to them. Talk to those who love you. You don't have to say everything, I haven't to most of my loved ones, but jsut go spend time with them. See what they're doing. Reach out if you get into a particularly bad spot. If you can and are able to, consider therapy or some other form of help. Don't just suffer it alone or just say stuff on here. Withdrawing isn't the right thing to do right now. I know it's uncomfortable as hell not to but please do something to help yourself. 

I hate to word it the way I am, because I feel like I'm just saying "live for them because THEY love you." and that's not what I mean at all. Spending time with my loved ones helped me remember the reasons why I even continued to get up every day. Do it because YOU love them. 

I really hope things get better for you this year, and I wish you the best of luck on your future and current endeavours. 
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:iconzutheskunk:
ZuTheSkunk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2019
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it.

I will definitely try to improve things for myself. Maybe everything will get better eventually.
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:icongogglespizano:
GogglesPizano Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2019  Professional Digital Artist
You gotta' do what you gotta' do. WHat's important is taking care of yourself and doing what you like.
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