Published: January 3, 2019
I'm honestly not sure whether I should post this journal and whether there's any point to doing so whatsoever, but I suppose I might feel a little bit better if I get some things off my chest. Be advised that this will likely get pretty depressing, so I recommend clicking away if you're not ready for this kind of read.
So you might have noticed that as of late, my activity has largely been reduced to being practically non-existent, with the only burst of activity being a bunch of older pictures that I decided to finally dump onto my gallery. And in general, the reason for this is that for at least several months now, I've been dealing with a general lack of motivation to do anything. I found it difficult to try sitting down and actually drawing anything, pony or not, and I ended up pretty much wasting my time over various pointless things, often neglecting more important things that kept on gnawing at my mind as something that I should finally take care of, but couldn't be bothered to, instead finding more interest in clawing at whatever could hold my attention for any measure of time.
One of the results of this was the commissions journal entry from not too long ago. In it, I promised various people to do pony commissions for them, hoping that maybe forcing myself to such an endeavor would get my motors going, but that did not work out either, and I essentially ended up going completely silent on those people, despite me promising that I would make pictures for them (for the record, I only ask for money once a preview image is ready, and those were not made). If you happen to be one of the people I made such a promise to, then I sincerely apologize for falsely raising your hopes and for my unprofessional way of handling all this. Once again I have proven that all I ever do is waste everyone's time.
I think this... crisis, as we can probably call it, started when I finally attempted to buy myself that laptop I was saving money towards. I was aiming for a super powerful laptop, one with plenty of space, with Win7 installed that I would use for the majority of tasks, and with Win10 installed on the side for the handful of occasions where I would actually need it. I looked up a Polish site that allowed me to select the components I wanted for my "dream" laptop, and over the course of the year I kept saving my money, regularly checking up on the particular setup I was looking for to see if the price ever changes and if there aren't any better options, constantly hyping up the eventual day of purchase. I ultimately ended up spending the equivalent of 2700$ on the damn thing, and when it finally arrived... I slowly realized what kind of mistake I have made.
To put it simply, it had proven to be impossible to install Win7 on the laptop. Me and my computer-knowledgeable uncle kept on unsuccessfully trying to install the system, but no matter what we did, the installation process kept on freezing somewhere at the beginning. By the looks of things, the laptop was designed in a way where it was simply incompatible with Win7.
And that alone was a complete and utter dealbreaker for me.
I will be honest with you. I don't like Win10. I refuse to be forced to use this thing. It changes the interface in ways I don't understand the train of thought behind, I don't like how it looks (seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make everything all white with no separators between stuff?), and there's many things I hold dear that no longer work on that system. So no matter how powerful the laptop was, Win10 was a barrier that I was not able or willing to get past.
And of course, instead of doing the right thing and returning the laptop within the 14 day return window, I had to be a dipshit and just sit around and wallow in my misery. By the time I finally got to my senses, the return window had already passed and I was stuck with the laptop I did not want, which effectively meant that the 2700$ I was saving up for a year went down the drain. Just like that.
And I think that... kind of broke me inside.
Ever since, I pretty much reduced myself to wasting my days playing old games and not knowing what to do with myself.
I lost my interest in drawing ponies, or anything else for that matter. I lost my interest in helping out with the Fallout-related project I was involved in. I lost interest in any activities I was involved in. Over time, I started withdrawing from many things. One by one, I cut down on the YouTube channels I used to follow with once unwavering loyalty. I cut down on the number of Discord channels I'm involved in. I either left or have transferred the ownership of deviantArt groups that I owned or was a part of. I gave up on even trying to participate in Derpibooru's OC collab for this year, and only at the last minute did I even bother to ask someone to just draw my OC for me, something that I should be able to do myself easily.
And I think part of the reason is that the laptop fiasco kind of opened my eyes to something important. Namely that, even though I'm only 28, I'm already a fossil in this ever-changing world. Stuck in my old ways, preferring the older titles that I'm nostalgic about over new releases, and having less and less of an understanding for the trends that the gaming industry and the world as a whole seems to be going with. I look at how people have to constantly fight with companies over unwanted changes being shoved down their throats, over insidious microtransactions and scummy business practices being forced upon them, over all those Internet-restricting laws that politicians try to bring into fruition, and I'm sitting here wondering: what happened to the good old days?
I am going to be perfectly honest with you. I never planned to reach elderly age. I always planned to end it all somewhere around 40-50 years of age, either through an unexpected heart failure that I'm sure I have coming my way, what with the excessive obesity I'm dealing with, or, should fate not be kind enough to remove the need for any actions on my part, to find some nice, tall building with nice thick pavement below and end it quickly and (hopefully) painlessly. And with all those issues that indicate that the world is leaving me more and more behind and that I'm not going to be able to stay in my old ways forever, I find myself thinking more and more that perhaps, I should revise my plans and bring that timestamp somewhere closer.
For the record, no matter what happens, I am NOT going to close my deviantArt account. Closing the account would only hurt me in the long run, and with the account being open, I can always return to it should my interest in drawing come back to me. And of course, I wouldn't want for my images to become lost as a result of such a closure.
Lately, I found a bit of a new spark of life in myself by rediscovering The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and its modding. It's been something that finally gave me something to look forward to and which finally rekindled at least a bit of my creativity, prompting me to churn out a mod after mod in quick succession. So there is at least a glimmer of hope that I have going on thanks to it, even though I'm not expecting it to last very long.
I think that what I'm planning to do right now is to tie up the loose ends I have going on with the projects that I've been neglecting, and then fully indulge myself in Oblivion modding. And once that source of happiness dries up, then well. Maybe I'll find something new to obsess over.
Or maybe it will be time to finally follow in Sayori's footsteps.
I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and a New Year's Eve, and I'm sorry I had to hit you with something this heavy. Here's to a better 2019, I guess.