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Welcome to Walter's apartment !

Rorschach journal, 1977, November 27

Lost my job today, good riddance. More time to fight crime now. Just one problem: gotta find a new apartment: not enough to pay the rent of the old one now. Looking for apartment during the day, saw new evidences of the corruption of this city, outrageously high prices for apartments where even cockroaches and rats wouldn't live, would be funny if it was a joke, but it isn't.

Today, the first landlord I met, probably a pimp, remember to investigate, asked me fifteen hundred bucks a month for a slum in Brooklyn, when I pointed him there was a big hole in the ceiling he told me it was a private atrium. Another example of the hypocrisy and disregard towards others human beings that had rotten this country, another asked me eleven hundred for a hellhole with practically no floor this time. The last I've seen was a whore, judging by her look and all her children from different fathers obviously, she just told me to "go fuck myself" when I showed up, didn't ask the price, go away immediately. Would have liked to hit her but couldn't since I wasn't in uniform. Too bad.
Better find a new apartment quickly, winter's coming, already snow in the streets,can't remain white, unspoiled long, like everything in this damn city. Cant' remain homeless in this season.


Rorschach journal, 1977, November 28

Finally found an apartment I can afford, the owner is less worse than the others. A crazy cat lady, probably a former whore judging by her make-up and the way her sinful style of life deformed her body, she yelled at me for "scaring one of her poor little darlings". The stupid beast had scratched me, I kicked it, if one of these creatures try this again, I'll throw it from the window, just to check if what people say about cats having nine lives is true.


On the morning, after returning from a crime-fighting night, Walter entered into his apartment, an awfully filthy one that would have disgusted anyone except him, he was about to eat some corn flakes left by the former tenant as he was reading the Newsfrontierman from yesterday. Focused on his reading, he didn't heard the little high-pitched whispers coming from pretty much everywhere in the apartment.

"Hey, guys ! Look, a new-comer !"

"Let's get closer, I can't see him."

"No, we'll stay hidden. Remember how the humans tend to act when they see us."

Indeed, the humans tended to scream and smash them if it happened, did I mention they were cockroaches ? No ? Well, now you know it.

"Oh no, he's got Ralphie !" exclaimed one of the cockroaches as he noticed one of his friend was on the spoon full of corn flakes Walter was holding, he noticed the bug just before bringing it to his mouth.

"What are you waiting for ? Jump !"

"He's gonna die !"

"I don't want to see that !"

But, instead of smashing the cockroach he just put it on the table and kept eating, not giving any attention to the little bug running away from him.


Some days after, the bugs were enjoying the apartment as the human was absent, as it was often the case.

"Hey guys ! This dude, Walter: he never cleans, he never takes a shower, he never clean the dishes, nor his clothes, he stinks horribly and I think I've never seen him using the toilets. He's the dirtiest human being on earth ! I think I'm in love !"

Ralphie fainted after saying that.

"Yeah, and he let us the apartment all day and all night !"

"A real prince !"

"By the way, what can he do at night ?"

"Dunno, go to the brothel maybe ?"

"We have to know. Who wanna follow him next time he's out ?"

"Me ! Me ! Me !" shrieked many excited cockroaches.


Walter came near the garbage-can after being absolutely sure no one had followed him, well no human being at least, he wasn't paranoid to the point of mistrusting animals yet. So, why would he ever notice the cockroaches on the other garbage-can ?

"Look Ralph, he's looking into the garbage, he's even filthier than we thought !"

"He takes clothes from it ? No wonder why he stinks that much."

"Look, he's wearing a mask now, a mask with shifting inkblots !"

"I don't know why he's hiding his face that way. He's not that ugly for a human."

"Guys, our roommate he's moving. Let's follow him !"

And they all flied some meters behind the vigilante.


A woman screamed in the night

"No ! Please no..." she begged as she was sobbing and shaking

"Come on baby, you'll be very nice to me and I won't ruin your pretty little face. Maybe," said the man as he was pinning the woman against a wall and zipping his jeans off.
Unnoticed bugs were witnessing the scene, sat on a garbage can as if they were watching a movie.

"Well, looks like we have everything to make a good story: the damsel in distress, the villain..."

Rorschach came silently behind the rapist and caught him with his pants down, literally.

"... and the knight in shiny armor."

"Er, in trench-coat, Ralphie," corrected one of them. "A filthy one, I should add."

"Well, even knights need to update."

"Hey, the damsel is running away !"

"There will be no kissing in the end then."

"Good, I've never liked romance. Oh goody, looks like it's turning into a horror movie !" he commented as Rorschach was beating the man to death in a quite gory way.

"Want some popcorn ?"

"I wouldn't say no !"


Rorschach dropped the rapist's body near the police station with a note bearing his signature and the word "never" and left, unaware of the little bugs that had been following him all the time.

"This human is really good, whatever his name is."

"I don't understand. What's his name ? Walter or Rorschach ?"

"Rorschach ?"

"I think the dead guy called him so when he was begging for mercy before getting his neck broken."

"Who cares about his name ? He's still cool !"

"My friends, I think it's time we introduce ourselves to Walter. Who agrees ?" asked Ralphie

A lot of "Me !" were received as an answer.


Rorschach had now put back the harmless disguise of Walter Kovacs, someone who passed completely unnoticed, well not that much since his crazy landlady kept asking him for the rent and suspected him of the disappearance of one of her precious cats, nobody could suspect him to be a vigilante.

"Hello Walter ! Or Rorschach, I don't know. Which name do you prefer ?"

"Who said that ?" asked angrily the red-head, as he clenched his fists, ready to fight, wondering how could someone stay hidden from him in such a tiny apartment and most important how could he know his name.

"Just us."

"Us ? How many are you?"

"About 2504 at the last census."

"Not funny."

"We're not trying to be funny, we're all in this apartment."

"All the 2504 of you are in this tiny crappy flat ? Better go away right now then."

"Many have tried but it's very difficult to get rid of us, you know ?"

"Yes, we're cockroaches after all. On your right, Wally."

He turned his head and saw a cockroach on his right shoulder, which wouldn't have surprised him that much if the cockroach in question wasn't standing on its posterior members almost like a human and hadn't lighted up a cigarillo.

"Now, let's introduce ourselves to you Walter. I'm Ralphie and these are my buddies and family. Show yourselves, come on, don't be shy !"

And hundreds of cockroaches approached to Walter, making the floor looks dark, and said many names at the same time.

I became mad, thought Rorschach, just like Mothman, but it cannot be alcohol in his case, he doesn't drink, not at all, maybe he's inhaled some of the illegal substance the dealers made in this clandestine laboratory he visited. Yes, it had to be that.

"So Wally, what do you say ?"

"You... can talk ?"

"We don't only talk."

"We can also sing !"

The cockroach were now singing and dancing Broadway's style in front of a dumbfounded Walter:

Humans, Humans, Humans ! Huuuuumaaaans !
Humans can all disappear, we don't give a damn,
Launching their missiles everywhere,
We don't caaaaaaare !
When you'll be little piles of ashes
We'll all survive in your trasheeeees !

We've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you !
And we don't care about you !

Why worry about hypothetical nuclear war ?
We survived dinosaurs, scratching, smashing and so on,
And what about all the horrors in this world ?
War, missiles. Come on, do your worst !

We've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you !
And we don't care about you !

At least that's what we used to think, until we met you.
You're dirty, and crazy, and angry,
But we love you Walllllllllyyy !
So please stay with us,
Don't run like the others.
We'll be extra-nice to you !
And we'll make a cockroach out of youuu !

The song and dance stopped there, but Ralphie added:

"Well, we mean more than you already are."

"What ?"

"Making a cockroach out of you."

"So, what do you say ?" asked Rodney

"What do I say about talking and singing cockroaches living in my apartment ? Go out !"

"Why ?" moaned all the little voices

"Because it's my apartment, my food, my stuff. I paid for it, you didn't, so don't touch anything you little commies !"

"Looks like you didn't understood the part about we've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you, pal !"

"What are you doing Walter ?" asked Ralph

"Going out. And when I'm back I don't want to see any of you !" answered the crime-fighter before shutting the door behind him.


Finally Walter returned in his apartment and saw and heard nothing, just what he thought: it must have been the drugs inhaled inadvertently that made him imagine all this, this time he didn't go in a drug lab, he just beat to death some top knots. He fell asleep pretty soon.


Four hours after, he woke up and saw food on the table, well food that could no longer be eaten by people who weren't bums or weren't starving: rotten meat and fishes, rotten fruits, banana peels, half eaten pizzas, there also was a little broken vase full of faded flowers and a little jailbird-shaped candle lit.

"What the..." began the vigilante

"Hello Walter !"

"Look at this beautiful breakfast, a king 's meal ! So, you're not mad at us anymore ?"

"Can we stay ? Say yes, pleeease !"

"What is he doing ?"

"He's leaving already ?"

"And quite fast."


Rorschach ran downstairs and left the building, he had just decided that the apartment of the whore with children of different races was not so bad after all. After that, he tried his best to convince himself this story never happened.


Some days later, the real owners of the apartment were discussing.

"Face it guys, Wally's not coming back."

"I don't understand why he left. We've been extra-nice to him !"

"He didn't even touch the breakfast we made for him !"

"And everything was perfectly rotten."

A lot of high-pitched "Sure" and "Yeah" could be heard as an answer from the cockroaches.

"I guess he's just been afraid. Humans really think we can't talk, you know ?"

"Oh yeah ?"

"They're really fucking stupid then !"

"I say we should follow him, it's not everyday we find a human looking so much like us. Who's with me ?"

Welcome to Walter's apartment !

A crack-fic between Joe's Apartment and Watchmen

I had this weird crossover-idea after watching Joe's Apartment (for those who don't know it's a comedy with talking and singing cockroaches living in the very very filthy apartment of a guy named Joe in New York), I thought that the cockroaches from the movie would love Rorschach, since they share similar ideas about hygiene, but I don't think he would like them: they're quite sex maniacs, rude, invasive and so on.

Here, Rorschach is in Joe's position, looking for an apartment, and meets more or less the same difficulties.

The story takes place before the events of the comics or movie, it can happen in both, shortly after the Keene Act.

About the cockroaches' song, I really hope it was not too awful, it's already hard to write a song in your native language, so in a foreign one... Well, you get the picture. This song was a pastiche of two songs of the movie:

Won't you be my Bug ?

Welcome to Joe's Apartment

And for those who didn't see the movie, I advise you to watch it, it's one of the craziest and funniest things I've ever seen.

Disclaimer: I don't own Watchmen, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons do, the same for Joe's Apartment, MTV owns it, and of course I'm not paid for that.
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Karfunkelstone Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh man, poor Rory! :D
zoccu Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Indeed :D.
Karfunkelstone Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:D I also think that most of the people (including me) only like him, because you can't smell him in a movie or a comic.
cadetda Featured By Owner May 14, 2012
LMAO!!! This is totally hilarious and cute!!! Very good fanfic of Watchmen!!
zoccu Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Glad you liked it :)
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