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  • Listening to: Nothing more to say ~ Jessie James
  • Watching: Dexter
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: OJ
So here i am and a mission has been shaken. the goals are blurred, the conquest and the motivation gone. almost. The truth is i fucked up. the truth is i never really had a plan to begin with. I know i want home. I know i want to be comfortable. I know that in the end i want to be happy. To be alone with a little slice of this world to call my own. a place to have to call my own and to help others to find their way too. A place to have to nurture. to tell someone i love them and to know they love me back. unrequited has gotten boring. its gotten to the point where im clawing at any semblance of hope just to get to the light on the other side of the glimmer. Where will all these days bring me? where will it all find a peaceful resolve. will it or it that simply to much to expect. Im going to write it out. im going to tell the story that should be told and find a place for it on the shelf of my life. im going to finish this through and im going to print it out and put it together with a bow. I'm going to tell the story of this epic battle because the ones inside deserve to be known. There personalities, these souls i have given life to should know the world i know. And the world should know them too, because they are known so well to me. I have other stories to tell. Other lives to paint out but for now. for this. im going to get this battle done and over with because its been 5 years now and there has been too many distractions; too many losses. I have come to a many a epiphany in my life. so many realizations about myself and who i am, I know who i am now. I know what im capable of. And its now time to let you see the dreams i have inside. A work in progress for now, But my own glimmer has begun to show....
  • Listening to: Crazy ~ Chris Lake
  • Reading: ur mom
  • Watching: Mad Men
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: !!!!!!!!!Red bull!!!!!!!
So ive returned to familiar surroundings and taken on a very Monkish lifestyle where i am very much so on my own. And very much in my own world. I have taken on a very big task of a sort of solitary confinement. Its forcing me to really focus on me. on my life. and my health. It's pretty fantastic. over the next several months i will be producing a large amount of pieces that will only catapult my skill level and knowledge of aesthetics and i find myself incredibly inspired by the whole thing! I have opportunities coming and i am very much so looking forward to them. I have also joined groups which is really exciting as well for it puts my thang on much broader stage in which to display my feathers sorta speak. Maybe ill even do a peacock inspired piece. UH oh i got an image. Maaahahahahaha i love when i get it in my head and ten i have to do it! well im also on a budget so it could take a lil while but as i said the amount of art i will produce will come over several months and it will be a self imposed intensive. im very optimistic about all of it! So until next time! i think i will try to comment on each piece give a little more about my inspiration and what was going on in my head at the time. hope everyone digs it!
  • Listening to: Siren Song~ Bat for Lashes
  • Reading: Iron kissed ~ patricia briggs
  • Watching: Mad Men
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: chai tea
If u read this and know the importance of how i start this note than you have been reading my thots for a very long time. i gave it up when someone pointed it out and it was because i have a disdain for being seen transparent. i write these notes and the blogs and all the other shit i write never thinking for a moment that anyone pays attention to any of it. who knows maybe one day an archivist will scoop it all up and make somthing grand of it. name it the rise and slow decent of dreams passed by or somthing gloriously tragic along the same lines...................................................................................................... Well on that note let us begin.

It is 2:32 am and i am listening to "Siren song" by Bat for Lashes and i am feeling anxious but relaxed. which in all honesty is understandable as i smoked and have been in bed watching Mad men and a few movies and read a couple books in the past three days without leaving the house at all. uneventful? no i dont think so. consuming media is somthing i do in large quantities. more so than anyone else i know. i wish i could consume media and be paid for it! i know almost everything that is going on as i read alot of cnn.com and when i am able to stomach it ill even see different sides of subject by taking in Foxnews online as well. I go through music all day everyday and my playlist is constantly changing. i do this as i distract myself from the fact that i have not created in a few months now. i have shut down shop sorta speak and i think alot of it had to do with the fact that i was getting good at what i do. i was getting to a point that might make me succeed. might make me known. and that scares me more than anything because i dont want to stop loving my art. and where do go after u go there? what do u do without the struggle? will it be there on the other side? and then if it is is all of this really worth it?
I find myself fighting myself all the time and I'm not sure why. the only person that has ever stopped me from doing anything is me. i am too scared to run and too proud to be happy staying. so where am i? in a flux of self loathing and narcissism that could very much so astound. appall. and possibly mystify at the extent of my self involvement. relationships have become strained and i find myself needing them more as i grow older and i find myself desperate for intelligent conversation that doesn't consist of the mainstream pop culture. i would like to be around creative people again, discussing art again, discussing story and structure and style and a real depth i am so lacking in my life. i keep everyone at a constant distance because i don't want them to see how much of a freak i am. but i think I've already shown everyone that already. the cracks are there so i can see a little of the real world through them inside the glass case I've built for myself. the screens were lifted for a little while and i desperately clung to things hoping to rise to something greater than myself. it didn't work out too well. and i cant help but think that my great time has passed me by. my great contribution can no longer be made. that the person i was supposed to be, the mind i was meant to become, the blazing star in the chaos of all the shit storm we call life has blinked out of existence and all that's left is me. the shell of a once hopeful brilliance never realized. i suppose i will keep writing, keep drawing, keep imagining the worlds this one will never know. and my great contribution will be one no one will ever see. i suppose i will have to inspire myself and no one else. a universe inside of a universe.
  • Listening to: the girl and the robot ~ Royksopp
  • Reading: Iron kissed ~ patricia briggs
  • Watching: Hung
  • Playing: yer mom.
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: water
SO i have been through the ringer these past few months. my day job has been increasingly difficult with people being completely incompetent. but thats not what this is about. this is about the amazing day i plan to have with two shoots in one day! its going to Fabulous! im going to put out some new shit very soon and im very pleased to be working with a model that ive been looking forward to workin with. hes got the aesthetic i want for more than a few things so well see how it goes today! good times will be had and better pictures to follow!  
   Oh ad ive been drawing some cool shit too! so im gonna put up some scans of those too! i think i might start redrawing the comic. go slow go page for page yknow?! oh to be inspired is just a great thing!
  • Listening to: hotel california ~ the eagles
  • Reading: Iron kissed ~ patricia briggs
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: yer mom.
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: beer
So now i jus finished a few more pieces and im pretty psyched about em. im going to continue with the idea of flowers on my face and go further with it. i think im gonna go ahead and do the headress shoot soon. which is really going to be somthing spectacular! Ive been shooting alot of queens of late and while that has been a really great experience and ive met some really great performers and fellow artists; i feel my art is lacking in the realm of being more expressive and on the level i am striving for. So im moving forward and going to be focusing more on the structural costumy and outright cazy imagery i have been known for! so its on Bitches!!! lets see what comes from the madness in my head!
  • Listening to: If u seek Amy~ Britney spears
  • Reading: Iron kissed ~ patricia briggs
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: yer mom.
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: wata
So ya,  i did the portrait "Mother Terror" and i think it came out pretty sick! well i did a big shoot with my gurl Jenaya and those came out dope too! well im gonna do a portrait of Maddelynn, who is my very own Drag Persona. Shes cute and pretty not like my other one who is more like the demon u wish u never saw and was afraid would eat ur first born! shes graceful and seductive. sultry is a word i would categorize with that awful bitch and im gonna bring her out to play. im excited as this will be the first portrait of her. she won a lil competition and is now going to the final competition on april 22nd. i hope it goes well and i hope shes well recieved. i think she will be:) well thas it for now. much more work to come!
  • Listening to: If u seek Amy~ Britney spears
  • Reading: Iron kissed ~ patricia briggs
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: yer mom.
  • Eating: oatmeal
  • Drinking: wata
Okay so; here's the thing. ive been workin alot with drag queens and doing like photoretouch work to do some amazing things with them. jus takin pics in the club and bringing all the shots into CS3 and making them look Ughmazing! and im really proud of what ive done so far. but i feel like its been tooooo easy. I feel i need to step it up a lil and so i think im going to do a self portrait tonight but im going to some crazy shit with lots of prep work. its going to be mostly makeup but i want the shot to be dead on with me looking into the camera (per yoooosh!) and so its going to invade the viewers space. but i wanna do a headress and a big thing with my latex and such. really go all the way. im gonna need a second pair of hands to take the shot but thas ok ill have bango come over and itll be great! well thas it. the shoot will happen tonight because im feeling the creative itch! yknow the kind that makes u wanna rip ur brains out thru ur ears!!!!! ya that. peace.
  • Listening to: Reckoner Lockdown ~ DJ Earworm
  • Reading: Breaking Dawn (I know, I know)
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: the game of Life
  • Eating: dunno yet
  • Drinking: wata
so im writing it. really writing it! granted im taking breaks to look at other things every 3-4 pages but its happening and it doesnt seem to be letting up. im completely immersed in my own little world and im kind of loving it! well ive been doodling the characters and such too which is great because it keeps things fresh in my noggin! 1000 pages her i come!
  • Listening to: The Pierces
  • Reading: Candy everyone Wants
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: Sushi cuz its tastey and Healthy!
  • Drinking: Orange soda; The only soda worth drinking.
Finished a couple more pieces which makes me feel better about the whole debacle with not having people to shoot. im gonna try to get another two done in the next couple days even with squeezing in workin out and workin all the time! but alas saving for a new Puter takes time and money, money being the more operative thing. Ah well another day, another piece of art! somthing to get my vision out and another way to follow the spark! hope everyone is well.
  • Listening to: The Pierces
  • Reading: Candy everyone Wants
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: Sushi cuz its tastey and Healthy!
  • Drinking: Orange soda; The only soda worth drinking.
alrighty well blending a massive tree for 6 hours is a pain in my now numb ass! This piece is taking me forever and i am complaining only because this is how my mind works. i bitch and bitch and bitch but deep down i love the struggle. fighting with a program and pictures and colors and burning and didging and layer manips and all the crazy shit im going through really does thrill me. i mean if u go through losing all feeling in ur buttocks for somthing that jus has to mean love right!? well im going back to it now and hopefully i wont lose feelling in any of my other body parts. peace.
  • Listening to: The Pierces
  • Reading: Candy everyone Wants
  • Watching: Soul Eater
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: Sushi cuz its tastey and Healthy!
  • Drinking: Orange soda; The only soda worth drinking.
I'm learning so much more about my stuff (stuff being my camera, file sizes dpi, all the shit i shoulda paid attention to in my super expensive classes.) but i feel like now this self education is somthing that i can take more to heart than jus sitting in a class. it feels more real to me and im being informed by people i deeply respect. this journey to learn about a whole new medium is somthing that im very excited about. im more excited about this than i was about my undergrad major which is funny and a lil ironic because I always thot that that was the direction my art was going to go for me. Traditional format is good and i love it but i feel like i can produce so much more of my own vision through digital means. not to mention that i have this massive fascination with using technology as tool for my art along with my makeup skillz and costuming skills. when i do a production and sew and sticj and then paint the faces of my models and do somthing truly exceptional i feel like ive really truly found my way to what i was meant to do. ive found my process. i think that this blog will become my new recording, my documentation of the growth of my knowledge and skillz. another thing worth being excited about! Well this is truly going to be Record #1.
I've decided upon another series i would like to get started on. this will be the fourth of the series that ive started so far and i really need to start comminting to finishing them. one is pretty much half done so far. i jus need to get the models here for the shoots and get it fuckin done!  as far as the other two i feel that those ones are up for an open gradua process as the images are very specific and the people need to be right on. the next series that i am going to work on is going to Male erotic pop art. i did alot of paintings of such content in college and i loved doing it! now i feel that i can definitely lend my photomanipulation skillz to that as well and really make it super glossy yummy deliciousness! so now i feel i am going to get started on it but i really want the models to be nothing short of stunning. And alas if u are from MA u know for damn shur as well as i do that finding exceptionally beautiful men is a rare thing indeed. sooooooo the search is on and i feel i am going to have to keep the pod in my pocket every fuckin time i go out from here on out jus incase i find a really exceptional person so i can show them the port. well i have someone off hand right now that i think i could contact for a shoot who is kind of over the top beautiful so im pretty jazzed! but i dont wanna get too pumped aobut it just yet and get all sad wen my aspirations and dreams are completely destroyed right in front of me. well thas about it and i think its great that im writing on this thing again! twice in two weeks doood this may become a common thing!
  • Listening to: radiohead
  • Reading: crusader
  • Watching: lifetime television for women
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
  • Listening to: radiohead
  • Reading: crusader
  • Watching: lifetime television for women
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
   Doing tons of work and pretty jazzed about it! its been a while while since ive written in this thing but yknow any time is as good as any! specially since i feel like i finally am confident with my work! i am really comfortable with my pace of growth and skill level, i suppose ill jus keep working keep going and hope for a well recieved interpretation of some sort from the masses but again who knows! the world only responds wen it wants to and the time will come for everyone to shine. i jus know that patience isnt a virtue i possess and hope and pray that i have the balls to be able to enjoy it! one thing at a time i suppose. im gonna watch some Anime now and have a glass of sake and prolly pass out! good night!
  • Listening to: radiohead
  • Reading: crusader
  • Watching: lifetime television for women
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
im going to put a couple more layers on the newest painting im working on, which is a self portrait cuz im absolutely narcisitic. its purple and neon yellow and absolutely obnoxious! but im going to try to make it as scary as possible kinda like a bio hazard symbol, you know how it makes you feel like you jus been infected and you just realize you have only a few minutes to breathe before your flesh begins to rot off. yea thats the feeling im going for. anyhow im going to write alittle more too i think. goodbye...
  • Listening to: radiohead
  • Reading: crusader
  • Watching: lifetime television for women
  • Playing: you
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
   jus got back from running and theres nothing like putting your physical self through hell in order to let loose the internal turmoil inside. that sounds to fucking cliche` and utterly pubescently angsty but its true. i still hold onto the bipolar tendencies that ive always had flipping from one state of madness to the next from day to day. i find myself alot happier with no exposure to sunlight and my mind seems to grasp things better at night. i guess uv rays dont only give cancer but breed madness as well! good to know.

oh and the story is coming along slower than ussual due to the insane work hours ive been keeping the past couple weeks but tonight is the last night of that shit and its back to a somewhat more hospitable schedule where ill be able to write more and get the profile up.
  Oh man,
     I hate how i get the way i do. its funny cuz i get really depressed when i dotn have anything to do. and if im not workin out i jus sit doin nothing. it kinda sux. i havnt written in a few days so i am going to take all day tomorrow to get that shit done. and i am gonna try to get as much as i possibly can. there is so much more to the story and i need to get it out so that i can start editing and stuff too. i jus think its going to take me a really long time in order to finish it. it wierd because for a couple days all i did was write and it was pouring out of me. now i got another job and that is awesome but we'll just have to see how it goes. i mean i pretty much sat in my room and wasted 8 hours doing absolutely nothing. how does one do that so easily. i feel like a waste of life and its all because i get distracted by my own thoughts about things that have transpired and how i am so easily tossed aside. i miss having a boy in my life and i havnt for about 3 weeks now and it sux. ah well what can you do. i dont want to go on about this forever so im going to have to move on and get over it. blah i hate that. so im done done done. so it is time tyo move into writing mode and get that mvin again. a few days is too long and i need to buckle down. ok peace.
Okay so,
     takin a brief reprieve from writing and im super pumped about the stor. everything is happening right now and its hard to deal with. i am setting up the exploration of the rest of the world. i mean other lands and such. its oging to be quite remarkable. i just want the entire world to be explored yet leave some left for people to explore themselves. i dunno its going to be a wild ride and there is so much mroe to write! this story is so far from over its crazy the armies are clashing and its going to be brutal the whole thing. the universe is going to be opened up soon and its driving me crazy that i hav eto get through all of this other shit before i can make it happen! Gah! its great because im so broke and have absolutely no money! lol but its forcing me to stay home and write and draw and get all this shit finished! soooooo alas i sit and toil away at my computer and write what i can! i have drank so much coffee im peeing like every 5 inutes and it sux but ive gotten like 5 pages done in an hour and thas awesome. we'll have to see what happens cuz i have a rough estimate about the story and how it will probably be around 4-500 pages long. which is a damn long book but not the longest. i would like it to be longer seeing as how its going to be a self contained story but honestly the whole trilogy thing is so fuckin played out it kills me! also i want to translate it into Graphic novel form soooooo i figure if i can do that after i finish the novel form then fuckin Yea! itll be hot! well im done and i am to go back to the world i have created! byeeeeeeeeeee
~Matty

Oh and P.S. i will be posting alot of these little rant as i go along.
   So i found a song called "It's better to have loved" by temposhark. it is quite remarkable and makes me feel like im not alone in the chaotic spanse of existence called my life. it funny how solitary you feel even though you are constantly surrounded by other people. and when your not things feel alittle better. i dunno im jus rambling. well i am taking a brief break from my book for the moment and i was able to get one of the character designs finished from the story. i wont be posting it on DA tho im gonn apost it on the Myspace page. No worries links will be shown on ever description of every rawing i do post on DA. this story is really a wierd reflection of the things that i feel. the characters going through hell and the happiness they feel through relieved anxieties and stresses. it is all in there. i find that pieces of me is reflected through the characters in some way or another an di think that helps me ot better identify with them as poeple and not just iminative contructs. i think most writers go through this and have to really if they are going to write osmthing of any emotional value. well i think thas it for now. back to the writing board.
   So i am surprised to see myself writing in here. i have ot be honest i have done most of my writing in my myspace page. but alas i keep crawling back over to the deviant art. i am goin got be posting my story and pics of character designs on a new profile that i will be maintaining on myspace. this is just a heads up of what is to come. i think it will be cool to see if i can get people interested in my world. eventually i will have it finished and eventually i will translate it into comic book form. its funny i just want everyone to leave me alone to do my own thing. and now i feel myself wrapping myself up in a creative cacoon that i think i can rest in and ignore the rest of the emotional crap i have been put through lately. the world has betrayed me quite tragically and i my mind hasnt been righ for a minute. there are worlds being conjured again and i feel myself being pulled back to the battle inside my head. i only hope that ill be able to come back from it. i miss a sense of happiness. i miss the filling of the void no matter how temporary. i miss the things i felt when i smiled with genuine happiness behind it. these are the things that i find myself feeling all the time i am going to delve into my worlds, into my lives and i am going to put out more than i have in a while. the world will see this before i go. and i will pray to the powers all about me that i would hav einfluenced at least one mind to strive for creative greatness.
Wow it's been a while since i wrote in this journal since i started my shit on myspace! well i graduated college and i have started on the journey of my life. i am working on getting my website up and my art work finalized and finished so that i can bombard the world with the butt load of art work that i have that is currently half finished! lol oh the life of a procrstinating artist , i love it! anywho i just saw the exorcism of emily rose last night and it was friggen great! i loved it and it made me even more insanely into my work. as most of you can see my stuff tends to be on the dark side with alittle fashionista styling to it. i like to think that evil things wear beauty like a condom to cover the various diseases that plague their hearts. anywho im out. peac out!