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If you can't rush, run. Spill out of yourself and down the street for spring has come. It's a riot, a full helter-skelter of blossoms and hope, a firework out in the quiet. The long lope of winter slows for it. Autumn trembles below it. A great green goddess is pushing up the horizon and they have to run to keep up or fall. Spring is tossing us between her two hands like a ball. Up and catch and never stop us, never drop us. She knows her game. It's to get every one of us chanting her name. And I'm the same. I want to be your Spring, the queer wild thing that startles you out of your bed with flowers. I want to turn your minutes into hours in my arms. So sound the alarm. Call it from your rooftop: Spring is here. It's time for poetry. Time for growing and wonder and fun. It's time to press your green lips to mine and make sun.
Been playing with prose poetry recently. Sometimes it plays back.

Critique for…

Feedback question: is the prose-poetry formatting effective, vs. a line broken approach?
© 2018 - 2021 zebrazebrazebra
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Barosus's avatar

This is beautiful and vivacious as spring it... I mean HERself. 🐸💖

autismscribbles's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

The prose-poetry structure of this piece works very well; I think it creates a very specific fast paced and intimate tone, and that it reads in a very non-traditional and aesthetically pleasing way. You really used the structure here to create a strong sense of vulnerability, and to deliver a clear image of an emotionally charged and perhaps even unstable relationship and desire.

I think overall you were clear with what you wanted from the piece, you set out to bring an aesthetic and a tone and you did both of those things very well. This piece has a really strong personality.
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

In the spirit of Critmas (…), I'm going to write a couple of lines about this piece and my impressions of it, if you don't mind.

So I liked this piece very much - I want it said that, no, the formatting as prose-poetry isn't a problem, at all, and I much prefer it over linebreaks in this particular case. Why? Because you have such wildly different phrase lenghts and I think this way, with the poem has a certain run-on energy to it that I feel fits the subject matter very well. Especially once we've arrived to 'Spring is here. It's time for poetry. Time for growing and wonder and fun'. And I think all three of these (growing, wonder and fun) are indeed what I think a spring-like love should be like, btw, which I need to make sure you know I appreciate.

So thank you for sharing; I think this is the kind of thing more people and especially oncoming poets should read, just to get a sense of what is possible and what makes a poem genuine and honest and fresh.
May the New Year find you in good health and with plenty opportunity to write.

PS: please don't mind the stars; I don't like the system so I'm just giving everyone the same amount.
heartdialect's avatar
Hi! :eager: A lipogram crit for you:

I am so fond of this. It's vivid and invigorating. Outstanding. Spring is truly spilling out hastily from your words.

I find your transition from abstract (“Spring”) to particular (“your Spring”) amazing. And I am thoroughly charmed by your cast — not only “Spring” but “Autumn” and co. :love:

A small point: I think “growth” > “growing” b/c nouns follow it and some sort of uniformity is good.

In addition, I think it’s smart to opt out of /s. I find that this works fantastically as is, as a chunk.

ArmorFelix2012's avatar
Nice stream of consciousness piece, here's two suggestions:

1) "Up and catch" reads a little jaggedly to me, you may want to drop a syllable in favor of a comma --> "Up, catch and never stop us" One other possibility is if you wanted to keep the "and", you could tweak the imagery to better suggest a lateral movement (the delay to me conveys a shift in position after the catch)

2) "
She knows her game. It's to get every one of us chanting her name. And I'm the same." --> This chain rhyme is just worn and distracting, in the presence of such wonderful internal rhymes and multi-syllable lines (quiet / slows for it, the middle position of "hours", etc). In my opinion, the basic thought-content is still serviceable, but I'd definitely recommend exploring some synonyms in order to repackage what you have here.

Anyhow, I think my favorite part of this poem is that the seasonal themes are more subtle than obvious; there's a certain physicality in rolling down hills and then finding yourself on the blacktop and up on the tops of buildings; it's not simply the imagery you use, but it's the overall camerawork which is used to superb effect. Your verbs are also stars in their own right (Lope, trembles, and startles), I can't help but notice that you have almost no verbal fat when your passages are centered around these driving pistons.
doughboycafe's avatar
Starting off, I like the imagery, and the sort of urgency you get with spring, the idea of fast moving, need to move, no stopping it, which is true, but not something I always associate with spring. A few things I would do to change this: For me personallythe line "spill out of yourself" broke the flow - I understand what it means but seeing as it's kind of an uncommon construction I stumbled on it. I almost think making it shorter would help, something like "spill yourself" - slightly different meaning but more or less the same concept? Just a suggestion. Also, I think it would do better if it was actually broken into lines like a poem, you could do a lot with enjambment with this. Good work!
ObsydianDreamer's avatar
Great imagery in this one.

In regards to your feedback question: I think the prose-poetry format is very effective, while a broken line approach might make it seem disjointed.
silvernium's avatar
Really great rhythm.
tinkertype's avatar
This is wonderful. :aww: 
zebrazebrazebra's avatar
Thank you so much!
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