Poured my heart ..
|7 min read
Recommended Journals
The Trading Post
08.12.18. Now that the Trading Post has been operating for exactly a month, we'll be making some changes in response to some problems that have arisen since it's introductions. Comments can no longer be edited after a certain amount of time, so we ask that you post ONE strudel per comment, so that you can hide the comments after it has been traded off. Posting multiple in the same comment causes confusion if you cannot hide just one strudel in particular. ALSO if your strudel is not on the masterlist, please post to the Can't find your strudel? entry on the StrudelCupboard (https://www.deviantart.com/strudelcupboard) to help us find any missing babies! We're super quick about updating!
Art Trade (OPEN)
Very sorry I wasn't able to respond quickly to the last batch, ATs are open for a short while but I will be moving soon so it might be subject to some delay, for the same reason I might also not be able to do too many trades qq ATs are accepted based on  -How I like your art style (not necessarily skill related)  -How I feel able to draw your character  -Character designs and how they might inspire me  -Will do anything for good friends This following section is important! Please read this section even if you don't read the others! * Please understand that I do not accept every offer. I accept trades based on "how I need you style f
art challenge event [open]
i really really really want to see more ppl experimenting with their art, esp in the wings of fire fandom (i love u all but please. Please. stop copying realtense) so this is what i'm going to do to encourage that. what is the challenge? draw something out of your comfort zone! if you usually draw w lines, try lineless. if you usually use muted colors, try bright ones. if you usually draw standing poses, do an action pose. throw some cubism in there. go buckwild. genuinely just stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone and what is... well, 'fandom popular'; the ability to diversify your style is a strength, not a hindrance. what are the re
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
By z-a-i-n-a   |   Watch
3 41 2K (1 Today)
Published: April 19, 2016
    My heart hurts, it feels like my whole world has fallen apart, broken into pieces. People talk to me, tell me that its going to be okay and it feels like it will be but when I am alone like this, my mind takes over, thoughts of him is killing me, moments we have been together, all the things that I love to do just spent with him is all heart breaking to even do now, things that we have been through together.

People tell me they are there for me and yet it doesn't feel like it. I wish I can just pick myself up and be strong like everyone keep saying.. How can I? It feels like someone has injected poison in my soul, the pain killing me softly every minutes. After all that I am already going through with a troubled family, I go through trauma everyday, why do I just put my trust into anyone like that? Why do I even believe my life will get better one day? Or him..just being the perfect one and yet does this...I feel so hurt, I am crying whilst writing this because I am really lost already. I don't want people telling me they will be my friend but are not my real friend. Even if someone is going through a painful situation, please talk to me..It helps me to help others too, it helps feeling important and useful..I am very grateful for the support I have been getting but it doesn't feel like anyone understands how much I really could use a friend. I thank everyone who has tried with me, I am complicated but thank you very much.

I miss him so much, I have nightmares, I really wish and hope I can still find help one day and be the old me. Even though he has done this to me, I worry so much about him, I care for him so much and I just wish he understands me, I wish he cared about me like I thought he did and loved me? I don't even know how someone can say they love me and yet does this to me? All we did was had a small fight, I said some mean things, I was out of my mind because I am stressed, that doesn't mean I need to be punished like I killed someone or cheated on him. I accepted him back in my life like a fool, yet I thought he would show that he really loves me..It hurts, memories of him is killing me because he is gone now..our future together torn apart like its nothing..like all of this was just words, like all of them did to me. I am such a fool to think that I am good enough for someone,

I always do so much and yet it never seems enough for anyone, I am complicated. I need fixing so badly and when I talk to people, it helps me so much and I don't know if anyone realizes this but it can save me more than anyone can think of.

Thank you everyone for trying to help me, I appreciate all of it but please be real to me.

Recommended Journals
The Trading Post
08.12.18. Now that the Trading Post has been operating for exactly a month, we'll be making some changes in response to some problems that have arisen since it's introductions. Comments can no longer be edited after a certain amount of time, so we ask that you post ONE strudel per comment, so that you can hide the comments after it has been traded off. Posting multiple in the same comment causes confusion if you cannot hide just one strudel in particular. ALSO if your strudel is not on the masterlist, please post to the Can't find your strudel? entry on the StrudelCupboard (https://www.deviantart.com/strudelcupboard) to help us find any missing babies! We're super quick about updating!
Art Trade (OPEN)
Very sorry I wasn't able to respond quickly to the last batch, ATs are open for a short while but I will be moving soon so it might be subject to some delay, for the same reason I might also not be able to do too many trades qq ATs are accepted based on  -How I like your art style (not necessarily skill related)  -How I feel able to draw your character  -Character designs and how they might inspire me  -Will do anything for good friends This following section is important! Please read this section even if you don't read the others! * Please understand that I do not accept every offer. I accept trades based on "how I need you style f
art challenge event [open]
i really really really want to see more ppl experimenting with their art, esp in the wings of fire fandom (i love u all but please. Please. stop copying realtense) so this is what i'm going to do to encourage that. what is the challenge? draw something out of your comfort zone! if you usually draw w lines, try lineless. if you usually use muted colors, try bright ones. if you usually draw standing poses, do an action pose. throw some cubism in there. go buckwild. genuinely just stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone and what is... well, 'fandom popular'; the ability to diversify your style is a strength, not a hindrance. what are the re
Comments41
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Sign In
Tsutsatsi's avatar

I just started watching you, and I generally just lurk quietly on DA, but after reading your last few posts I've got to say something.

 

The way he cut you off was a shit thing to do. You didn't deserve that. No one does, and you had every right to be worried. After a two-year relationship where you can't exactly walk down the street to check on the person you love, sudden silence is terrifying. You get it in your mind that something horrible has happened, and it makes you feel helpless. But don't drive yourself crazy over wondering why it happened. Center yourself by asking what you're doing to do next.

 

Ex's have a knack for sucking the life out of you, even when they're not there. The more you think about him, the more energy you lose. So stop. Breathe. Look around and take stock of your surroundings. If you're at home, odds are there are things nearby that make you happy. A beloved pet. Your tablet. Artwork, books, hobbies, a trinket you bought simply because it made you smile and you just had to have it. Whatever those things may be, take a moment to enjoy them. Even without your ex, you still have those things. You can still find joy in them. Don't let his ghost take that away from you.

 

It's been a while since this happened, and I sincerely hope some of the pain has edged off a little. Don't expect to feel completely back to normal this fast, though. It takes time to get over a relationship, and for some people, it can affect them for years. But here's what you need to remember: you know that stabbing ache in your chest? The one that gnaws at you at night, makes you tear up, and churns in your stomach until you think you're about to throw up? 

 

It's poison.

 

Don't let it fester inside you. Don't let it consume your life to the point where you can't find happiness anywhere else.  When you feel it eating at you, cool yourself off with a glass of water, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are strong. You don't need to lean on someone else in order to stand tall. You lived without him once, and you can live without him again. You need to take that poison he left inside of you and start sucking it out, bit by bit. And if you find you're still struggling, if you really can't stand on your own, get help from someone who makes a living from helping people just like you.

 

I'm serious. There is no shame in seeking out a therapist. They exist solely to help people who are being overwhelmed with stress. They are the best people to talk to, because they know exactly what to say. The support of friends is wonderful, but sometimes it's still not enough. My sister let her anxiety strangle her for years before she finally worked up the courage to ask for help from a therapist. It was the best decision she ever made. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it won't. Either way, laying in bed and crying every night isn't going to make you feel any better. That only shows that he still has power over you. Take that power back. This is your life, and you deserve to live it with the same joy and dignity as anyone else - and that goes for anyone else reading this who's suffered through the same experience.

 

Don't blame yourself. Hell, don't even blame him.  All this time you're wasting on pining for someone who's treated you like shit could be better spent on treating yourself like gold. Instead of looking back, look forward. The world is waiting for you. Embrace it.

 

Good luck, Zaina.  I wish you the best.

metallictarantula's avatar
metallictarantulaHobbyist General Artist
It's his fault not yours. I agree with some other comments below. You are good enough for someone, but he just didn't care about you enough. Do something you love to do and work hard at it! Maybe bike or walk around forests or bike paths and sidewalks. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. I will always be here to talk with you if you want, and if you hate the horrible silence, maybe go somewhere less silent, where you can talk to people and walk around. Maybe join a group that's helping a cause or charity you would like to help. :hug: I don't know what you are going through, but I will be here to help whenever you want. :hug: You don't have to listen to me either, I'm just some person on the Internet... But I genuinely care about you and I'm sorry if I seem fake and not there for you... :hug:
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Thank you for that, I have been trying to move on and do what I love..
FluffyKathy's avatar
I suggest theropy, being with you mom, and spending time with people you know or us. As part of the Heath tech academy, it is one of our many jobs to help people.
FluffyKathy's avatar
Ok. Whatever helps you feel better. I'll be here uf you need me, friend.
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
I have been meditating, that helps too.
mikuthesinger's avatar
mikuthesingerHobbyist Digital Artist
zaina sorry im to lazy to put the - but listen there are better things for u if this is what your feeling!  




z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Awe, thats so sweet thank you so much.
mikuthesinger's avatar
mikuthesingerHobbyist Digital Artist
keep the picture i made u its for u
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Of course I am!
mikuthesinger's avatar
mikuthesingerHobbyist Digital Artist
yey
mikuthesinger's avatar
mikuthesingerHobbyist Digital Artist
:I
Dequire556's avatar
Dequire556Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry if it feels like I haven't really been trying to help. I genuinely care, I feel for you. But you have to remember, that in the end, it's up to you to get over this. It's one more hurdle in life, one more problem to push past. You have to take joy where it is to be found. I know it feels like there's nothing. But right now you're blind to what IS there. It's up to you to figure out how, and once you do, you'll come out stronger than you were before.
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Thank you for clearing that out, I know now for sure that you care too!I have been trying to be strong :)
ccurlee3's avatar
ccurlee3Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I usually don't speak much because I'm shy and all but...I know how you feel...I really do...if you ever want to talk deep with me...just note me okay?You don't have to.You have the choice.
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Thank you for the support, i will!
ccurlee3's avatar
ccurlee3Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome.
digira's avatar
digiraFeatured
When you're hurting, there are those who fall into two primary camps:

1) Those who want to give you whatever you say you need.
2) Those who want to give you what THEY think you need.

There's benefit in both of these things, because people in the #1 camp might be too shy to say some harsh truths said by the #2 camp.

But the #2 camp suffers from a bit of limited empathy, in my opinion, because it's one thing to hand someone a map. It's another for them to walk that path, and while they are walking that path, might they be a bit more fragile, might they need a bit more support than at any other time in their lives?

To say that the problem is that you shouldn't NEED people misses the point entirely. You've diagnosed at least one problem--there is a big gap here, a gap between when you were talking to someone all the time, 24/7, and now, where you're left alone to suffer with your thoughts, cut off from the world.

I can see why you want people, why you NEED people to talk to right now. Because you're on the path. You've been handed a map, you know where you're supposed to go, and what things should look like when you get there. And there's some valuable information given by the group #2 people out there that you should consider.

But those people should also consider that just because the path out of your distress seems like an easy solution to them, they still should be cognizant of the fact that they are talking to someone who is struggling, who is very weak right now, and who just needs a bit of support, patience, understanding, and compassion. Above and beyond whether they think you should just "get over it" or not.

Of course you should get over it. On your own timeline. There is no point at which anyone should be over grief. It's a process, and it takes time.

In the meantime, I (and others) are happy to give you all the support you need, because we care....until you don't need us quite so much anymore. And that's okay.
One-Percent's avatar
One-PercentFeatured
Look, I don't intend to be mean, but I have to tell you this: stop expecting people to be there for you, to cheer you up, to basically be the reason why you would feel better or useful! STOP!

You are the only one who can fix yourself up and order your mind to stop its shitty thoughts.
You are, even now, trying to find excuses for his unacceptable behaviour and hanging to ideas that are not going to happen. He was a mistake, no matter how hung up on him you were. You didn't understand that the last time he dumped you without reason, you took him back against any good sense! You are NOT going to get better until you see him like a normal human being, and not this idolized version of a dream!

And no, you are not going to be of use to anybody while you are not even of use to yourself right now! You complained of him always putting himself down, and yet here you are, abusing yourself! All of this why? Because he's a shitty human being, that's why!
He dragged you down with him!! And let me tell you something that you better remember: if after getting with someone, you notice that you are getting away from friends and that he became everything to you, RUN! That is called a dysfunctional relationship! That is what you had! If you do everything FOR HIM, then he sucked out your personality to the point where you have nothing for yourself!

It will only get better if you CHOSE to make it better. Nobody in the entire world can make you take that decision. But more than a friend right now, you need a waking call!
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Hello, I don't think you are being mean..its just the raw truth about it. I don't want to stop receiving the help I am getting from people because it does help. I am going through this a second time it is not easy to just toughen up. I am quite sensitive so talking to people is my way of moving on and keeping myself busy since he sucked out my personality I can't find anything I can do that I love because it has all been memories of him being with me. I do choose to make it better and by talking to people it helps me since I don't have anything else I can think of that I can do on my own. Reading your comment actually reminds me of how he read your previous one the first time it happened and told me confidently that "he doesn't think he needs help" but well..idk what to say I am just starting to think that it is an unrequited love after all or just fallen out of love of me.
One-Percent's avatar
One-PercentFeatured
Keep on building a net of friends around you, that is actually healthy and a step in the right direction.

HOWEVER, don't expect friends to be the solution to your problem. *You* are your solution (time helps too), your decisions matter and more importantly: start needing friends for fun and not for therapy. You supported a depressed guy for years, that alone tells me you have it in you to rise again, if only you find your way to yourself.


That sorry excuse for a human being read the comments (as expected, he cut all contacts but kept stalking you, yay) and his sick ego is what compelled him to contact you again. He wanted to prove a point (and failed btw) not caring that he would hurt you again in the process. That is beyond selfish!

All this time with him, he has been using you as a device to feel better about himself. You had to always care about his needs, his self esteem his whatever. But as soon as you started failing in that task (because you had problems of your own) you became disposable. Unwanted. He didn't support you back, he threw you away in a heartless way!

A few mean words from you that do not serve his selfish needs and you are kicked out? Wow.

It is not at all your fault. You can only understand what someone is really like during trial times. He showed his true face. And it is ugly. You may think otherwise, but he wasn't your "perfect" guy. Hopefully, your perfect guy would ACTUALLY treat you with minimum respect!!

If he wants to stay in his current mind state then so be it. As you said before: he is in love with the excuse of depression.

The guy is actually completely self centered. He only thinks of taking without actually giving back.

You say he praised your work? Ha! Anybody with EYES should praise it. We already established he was not sincere with you, despite you being open with him and encouraging him to do the same. (He was sincere only when it was EASY to be so.)

Fortunately, he should not bother you again for the 3rd time. (Even though he will keep stalking you occasionally). But if he magically wants you two to get back and you take him again, I will board a plane, come to your house and deliver you a hard slap! Be warned!
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Wow, you have truly open my eyes. I never thought of it that way, I just kept thinking he loves me and that he deserves better and I am the one who is horrible but he has been there for me when I am not okay, just I don't know what has been happening lately why so quiet..and close up on me. I would be stressed everyday..but you're right though thank you, I need to keep reading that whenever I feel bad so I can move on and be happy with my life. I need to think of myself too, I am so so sick of give, give, give and not get anything in return. I actually sent him a message yesterday saying that I want to be his friend and that I care about him which I still do but he didn't even respond. So, now I am just going to keep thinking he definitely doesn't give a damn about me or even loved me..or loved me before and somehow fell out of love...I will take the warning.
Eric-S-Huffman's avatar
Eric-S-HuffmanProfessional Traditional Artist
I'm a Real as I can be.
just let me know hen you wanna have someone who will listen to you.
z-a-i-n-a's avatar
z-a-i-n-aProfessional Digital Artist
Thank you
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Sign In
©2019 DeviantArt
All Rights reserved