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Poured my heart ..

Tue Apr 19, 2016, 2:26 AM
    My heart hurts, it feels like my whole world has fallen apart, broken into pieces. People talk to me, tell me that its going to be okay and it feels like it will be but when I am alone like this, my mind takes over, thoughts of him is killing me, moments we have been together, all the things that I love to do just spent with him is all heart breaking to even do now, things that we have been through together.

People tell me they are there for me and yet it doesn't feel like it. I wish I can just pick myself up and be strong like everyone keep saying.. How can I? It feels like someone has injected poison in my soul, the pain killing me softly every minutes. After all that I am already going through with a troubled family, I go through trauma everyday, why do I just put my trust into anyone like that? Why do I even believe my life will get better one day? Or him..just being the perfect one and yet does this...I feel so hurt, I am crying whilst writing this because I am really lost already. I don't want people telling me they will be my friend but are not my real friend. Even if someone is going through a painful situation, please talk to me..It helps me to help others too, it helps feeling important and useful..I am very grateful for the support I have been getting but it doesn't feel like anyone understands how much I really could use a friend. I thank everyone who has tried with me, I am complicated but thank you very much.

I miss him so much, I have nightmares, I really wish and hope I can still find help one day and be the old me. Even though he has done this to me, I worry so much about him, I care for him so much and I just wish he understands me, I wish he cared about me like I thought he did and loved me? I don't even know how someone can say they love me and yet does this to me? All we did was had a small fight, I said some mean things, I was out of my mind because I am stressed, that doesn't mean I need to be punished like I killed someone or cheated on him. I accepted him back in my life like a fool, yet I thought he would show that he really loves me..It hurts, memories of him is killing me because he is gone now..our future together torn apart like its nothing..like all of this was just words, like all of them did to me. I am such a fool to think that I am good enough for someone,

I always do so much and yet it never seems enough for anyone, I am complicated. I need fixing so badly and when I talk to people, it helps me so much and I don't know if anyone realizes this but it can save me more than anyone can think of.

Thank you everyone for trying to help me, I appreciate all of it but please be real to me.

  • Playing: nothing anymore
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: nothing
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:icontsutsatsi:
Tsutsatsi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2016

I just started watching you, and I generally just lurk quietly on DA, but after reading your last few posts I've got to say something.

 

The way he cut you off was a shit thing to do. You didn't deserve that. No one does, and you had every right to be worried. After a two-year relationship where you can't exactly walk down the street to check on the person you love, sudden silence is terrifying. You get it in your mind that something horrible has happened, and it makes you feel helpless. But don't drive yourself crazy over wondering why it happened. Center yourself by asking what you're doing to do next.

 

Ex's have a knack for sucking the life out of you, even when they're not there. The more you think about him, the more energy you lose. So stop. Breathe. Look around and take stock of your surroundings. If you're at home, odds are there are things nearby that make you happy. A beloved pet. Your tablet. Artwork, books, hobbies, a trinket you bought simply because it made you smile and you just had to have it. Whatever those things may be, take a moment to enjoy them. Even without your ex, you still have those things. You can still find joy in them. Don't let his ghost take that away from you.

 

It's been a while since this happened, and I sincerely hope some of the pain has edged off a little. Don't expect to feel completely back to normal this fast, though. It takes time to get over a relationship, and for some people, it can affect them for years. But here's what you need to remember: you know that stabbing ache in your chest? The one that gnaws at you at night, makes you tear up, and churns in your stomach until you think you're about to throw up? 

 

It's poison.

 

Don't let it fester inside you. Don't let it consume your life to the point where you can't find happiness anywhere else.  When you feel it eating at you, cool yourself off with a glass of water, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are strong. You don't need to lean on someone else in order to stand tall. You lived without him once, and you can live without him again. You need to take that poison he left inside of you and start sucking it out, bit by bit. And if you find you're still struggling, if you really can't stand on your own, get help from someone who makes a living from helping people just like you.

 

I'm serious. There is no shame in seeking out a therapist. They exist solely to help people who are being overwhelmed with stress. They are the best people to talk to, because they know exactly what to say. The support of friends is wonderful, but sometimes it's still not enough. My sister let her anxiety strangle her for years before she finally worked up the courage to ask for help from a therapist. It was the best decision she ever made. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it won't. Either way, laying in bed and crying every night isn't going to make you feel any better. That only shows that he still has power over you. Take that power back. This is your life, and you deserve to live it with the same joy and dignity as anyone else - and that goes for anyone else reading this who's suffered through the same experience.

 

Don't blame yourself. Hell, don't even blame him.  All this time you're wasting on pining for someone who's treated you like shit could be better spent on treating yourself like gold. Instead of looking back, look forward. The world is waiting for you. Embrace it.

 

Good luck, Zaina.  I wish you the best.

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:iconmetallictarantula:
metallictarantula Featured By Owner May 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
It's his fault not yours. I agree with some other comments below. You are good enough for someone, but he just didn't care about you enough. Do something you love to do and work hard at it! Maybe bike or walk around forests or bike paths and sidewalks. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. I will always be here to talk with you if you want, and if you hate the horrible silence, maybe go somewhere less silent, where you can talk to people and walk around. Maybe join a group that's helping a cause or charity you would like to help. :hug: I don't know what you are going through, but I will be here to help whenever you want. :hug: You don't have to listen to me either, I'm just some person on the Internet... But I genuinely care about you and I'm sorry if I seem fake and not there for you... :hug:
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner May 10, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for that, I have been trying to move on and do what I love..
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:iconfluffykathy:
FluffyKathy Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2016
I suggest theropy, being with you mom, and spending time with people you know or us. As part of the Heath tech academy, it is one of our many jobs to help people.
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:iconfluffykathy:
FluffyKathy Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016
Ok. Whatever helps you feel better. I'll be here uf you need me, friend.
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
I have been meditating, that helps too.
Reply
:iconmikuthesinger:
mikuthesinger Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
zaina sorry im to lazy to put the - but listen there are better things for u if this is what your feeling!  




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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Awe, thats so sweet thank you so much.
Reply
:iconmikuthesinger:
mikuthesinger Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
keep the picture i made u its for u
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Of course I am!
Reply
:iconmikuthesinger:
mikuthesinger Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
yey
Reply
:iconmikuthesinger:
mikuthesinger Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:I
Reply
:icondequire556:
Dequire556 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry if it feels like I haven't really been trying to help. I genuinely care, I feel for you. But you have to remember, that in the end, it's up to you to get over this. It's one more hurdle in life, one more problem to push past. You have to take joy where it is to be found. I know it feels like there's nothing. But right now you're blind to what IS there. It's up to you to figure out how, and once you do, you'll come out stronger than you were before.
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for clearing that out, I know now for sure that you care too!I have been trying to be strong :)
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:iconccurlee3:
ccurlee3 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I usually don't speak much because I'm shy and all but...I know how you feel...I really do...if you ever want to talk deep with me...just note me okay?You don't have to.You have the choice.
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for the support, i will!
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:iconccurlee3:
ccurlee3 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome.
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Edited Apr 19, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Hello, I don't think you are being mean..its just the raw truth about it. I don't want to stop receiving the help I am getting from people because it does help. I am going through this a second time it is not easy to just toughen up. I am quite sensitive so talking to people is my way of moving on and keeping myself busy since he sucked out my personality I can't find anything I can do that I love because it has all been memories of him being with me. I do choose to make it better and by talking to people it helps me since I don't have anything else I can think of that I can do on my own. Reading your comment actually reminds me of how he read your previous one the first time it happened and told me confidently that "he doesn't think he needs help" but well..idk what to say I am just starting to think that it is an unrequited love after all or just fallen out of love of me.
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Wow, you have truly open my eyes. I never thought of it that way, I just kept thinking he loves me and that he deserves better and I am the one who is horrible but he has been there for me when I am not okay, just I don't know what has been happening lately why so quiet..and close up on me. I would be stressed everyday..but you're right though thank you, I need to keep reading that whenever I feel bad so I can move on and be happy with my life. I need to think of myself too, I am so so sick of give, give, give and not get anything in return. I actually sent him a message yesterday saying that I want to be his friend and that I care about him which I still do but he didn't even respond. So, now I am just going to keep thinking he definitely doesn't give a damn about me or even loved me..or loved me before and somehow fell out of love...I will take the warning.
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:iconeric-s-huffman:
Eric-S-Huffman Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm a Real as I can be.
just let me know hen you wanna have someone who will listen to you.
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you
Reply
:iconmotion-music:
Motion-Music Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016
I am going to keep trying, you need a friend... and I will keep being your friend.
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you!
Reply
:iconmotion-music:
Motion-Music Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016
*HUGS*
Reply
:iconloverfanfic:
LoverFanfic Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
If you want me to be real, fine I'll be real... He's not coming back, even if you wish hard enough or you through a coin into a well, it doesn't change anything... The man you love is not coming back... Want to take my advice?? Lay off of dating, find yourself and forget him, if he still haunts you, you have to remain strong, for the best if you go outside, have fresh air... Meditate if needed, and refresh your mind and soul. A good friend of mine told me that if you're gonna cry, go ahead, but no one will join you in your pity party... Sorry if that sounded mean, but it's all true.

Forgetting is one way to get him out of your head, but keep on remembering the times you had with him, will make the matter worse... You have to remain strong, don't forget that everyone is here to help you out.
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:icondigira:
digira Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016
Grief is dealt with on an individual timescale. There's no "right time" to get over it. Emotions are complicated. If they were easy, no one would ever ask for advice.

And telling someone who is hurting that no one cares? Speak for yourself.
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:iconthe-albino-axolotl:
The-Albino-Axolotl Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Professional General Artist
Everything will be alright.
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks
Reply
:iconspringtrap117:
springtrap117 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I understand your pain. I know what it feels like. To feel like the world is decaying away. For a long time I wanted revenge for the pain that people caused me. It caused me to become a monster. It may be too late for me, but it is not too late for you.
Reply
:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for taking your time and helping me, its nice of you to reach out. I will msg you.
Reply
:iconcatstudio7:
Catstudio7 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay. :D And no worries.
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:iconestheryu:
Estheryu Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Professional General Artist
:)

I know your feel.

clam down, listen to universe, or you can found something earth-live video to watch for relax.
I always alone, sit in meditation and read some universe related books, drawing (MANDALA , you can see the sample in group :iconmandalasoul:, it will spend most of the time in traditional way, but the come out result very great!!!!)

I just share~~~you can try :)

 
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for sharing!
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:iconxcherrybombzx:
xCHERRYBOMBZx Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016
Chisaki Crying Icon  I was genuine with you 
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:iconz-a-i-n-a:
z-a-i-n-a Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
And I wish we can still talk.. You have been great with me, you understood me but this silence is killing me and my mind is fucking with me. 
Reply
:iconxcherrybombzx:
xCHERRYBOMBZx Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2016
Get on skype

I can talk for a while
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