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yuumei's avatar

I'm Not Okay

I've been pretty out of it for the past 2 weeks due to certain unpleasant discoveries about my personal life. I've been trying to keep it up, keep posting art and tutorials but I'm just really not feeling it and probably won't be for the next few weeks. 

Apologies in advance. 

I feel like I grew up on the internet. As a child of dysfunctional families, I could always seek comfort by venting out the pain to everyone. It helped me get by the most bleak days when my mom was suicidal and going through so many divorces. 

It's not that I don't feel that connection anymore. I'm sure if I opened up to everyone, I would have the same amazing support I always had while growing up, but as an "adult", I find myself unable to open up as freely as I once did. 

I'm confused and hurt, bottling up the pain and pretending everything will be okay. Logically, I know everything will be okay eventually. In time, when I look back on this day, I will think that's just a part of life, how silly to waste away over these things, but in this moment I'm losing it. 

I don't mean to be vague, I just don't know how to put everything into words. Between the conflicting emotions of spilling my heart out and keeping it together, all I can say is I'm not okay.
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mozart66's avatar
this is pretty deep as i have gone threw what you have and i'm 51/m now. i still live with it everyday. but i have found that talking to others do make the difference. not to get in to my world i have PTSD over just this. i do feel for your sorrow and heartache. i added you to my watch. thanks Stu
reicirith's avatar
I hope you're getting help.
I'm sure you know that depression and suicide is sometimes inherited.
ocheun's avatar
The pain you went through gave you the insight, reflection and perspective needed for your art to become soulful expressions of your passion, expression and experiences. Remember that when you don't feel too great.
FallingFrozen's avatar
ReggieYaco's avatar
Get well, blessings <3
Kaera-Neko's avatar
Hang in there. I am also not okay. I really, truly, genuinely hope you will feel better in time. Take care.
Metrilean's avatar
Scream, you'll feel much better about it.
Faerie-s's avatar
I've been following you since I was a kid. Escaping divorce, finding a community, realising a world outside my own. Now I'm an adult, and sometimes I still indulge in that comfort. But like so many people, I understand. Life is hard, people are hard, trust is hard. But hey... I can still randomly log onto DA and find you still standing. Strong as ever. You helped shape a random little girl's dreams, and then went further to help create her reality. Don't forget that. My feeling towards you is, and always will be unconditional.
Immura's avatar
We all believe in you, so take your time and get better ^^

Courage ;)
Cr1chton's avatar
Woah. Good lines. Powerful energy.
OmegaJennerz88's avatar
As an adult it's hard opening up to some about pain and emotional trauma. it is for me at least too. Ive been told that adults are supposed to keep their shit together... and once you hear "have you taken your medicine today?" its just a joke or something to think bad of me about.
people dont care about problems and just want to say you are whiny and a crazy person. it gets old after a while. you start feeling useless and a nuisance and why cant you get your life together like everyone else. it makes me feel... defective.
sorry you are going through so much <3.
HollandHaas's avatar
It's like this post is narrating my life. Been/am in this boat. It's a long road, but we'll get past it.
Best of luck with your therapy & I hope things start stabilizing for you soon. Feel better :c
mockingbirdontree's avatar
Das tut mir leid. Es ist so schlimm,  wenn man als Kind die Suizidalität seiner Mutter mitbekommt. Wie soll man da Freude und Kraft fürs Leben kriegen. Bitte gib nicht auf zu leben,  verwirkliche deine Träume,  es werden-denke ich-wieder bessere Tage kommen. Mir geht es oft so,  dass ich denke, niemals Freude empfinden zu können. Depressionen sind eine schwere Krankheit, die man logisch vielleicht begreifen kann,  was aber nicht hilft. Deine Worte sind toll geschrieben und gehen einem ziemlich nahe. Du bist ein großartiger Denker . Hmmm, hoffe ich hab nicht zu viel geschrieben, wollte dir nicht zu nahe treten. Aber ich finde,  dass es dir sehr gut gelingt Gefühle auszudrücken und dadurch fühlen sich viele bestimmt angesprochen.  
EagleTsubasa's avatar
I can't really say that I know what you're going through, so I'm not going to leave a massive message, but admitting that you're, "not okay," is always a good first step from a psychological viewpoint. Now that you've acknowledged it, you can take steps to address it. Don't be afraid to talk to the people that you're close to. A little talking can go a long way to understanding how to work things out. You are not alone. You are never alone.
Tyki-Mink's avatar
as a FAN of yours, I always thought that my Idol has been finally graduated to the trials that she has gone through her family, (there are trials that will come but I know she can do it---at least it is not in the family problem) I envy her (you, yuumei), mine still coming over and over, keep on repeating just getting worse, as if there is no end. how I wish I was strong Yuumei. I hope I can be independent as her. --- that's what I'm keep telling about my self. But just like everyone else, we are going through on something that make our heart sullen. And we can do is to cry and curl in the bed.

THE PEOPLE WE LOVE THE MOST, ARE ALSO THE PEOPLE CAN HURT US THE MOST.--- FAMILY are the people whom you depend the most, but when the problem came to your own family. the feeling is like a HELL and so ALONE. Even your own friends can't help you nor relative. that is also the reason why we don't like to discuss a sensitive matter to a friend. i know the feeling.

The fact that you have admitted that you are "NOT OK", is a  from of bravery and strength. --- even though a friend can not help in the situation occurring, but the fact you let your self vent out and say it to a friend it will make you feel better. that what counselor do, to "listen".Carry on and move forward. I know this is difficult and really heavy inside, as what they said there will be RAINBOW AFTER STORM. THERE ARE STILL LOT OF THINGS WE CAN LOOK FORWARD IN LIFE. 

. . .I'm still your fan.
Shardiini's avatar
In the moment the pain is never easy, even if it doesn't seem that bad after the storm of negativity has wooshed over. I hope the discoveries you mentioned find their fitting place, so you can get on top of them and feel better! You are still amazing never the less. ^^
PrincessLiz1400's avatar
hey thank you. your art has always been a reminder of the beauty in the world and that got me through a lot of tough things and i appreciate you. Thank you for being here and im so sorry your having a rough time. i hope you find something that reminds you of the beauty around  you and it makes you smile and awe stricken. breath darling it is not the end but mearly a climax in a new chapter on life :hug: Heart Here's a kiss for you, my love! 
Yami-Papercut's avatar
That guy in the picture reminds me of my character Red...same with the description.
xXSilverCellistXx's avatar
Okay dude, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think its nice to compare your OC to actual pain and suffering that a real person is going through. I'm not trying to be rude, i'm not trying to be a bitch, i'm just saying. She's going through alot of pain at the moment, and I don' think its a good idea to compare something she's going through to an OC you have. Just saying. 

I'm sorry if I sounded rude, here. ^^;
Yami-Papercut's avatar
I understand, I'm sorry.
Anyway, thank you for telling me that.
xXSilverCellistXx's avatar
Its okay, man. I wasn't being rude. ^^
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