Brace Yourself.

6 min read

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yumyumstrawberries
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(This is gonna be a doozie)

Hi.


So it's been awhile, huh?

I think the last journal update I did was January...yikes.

I realized I never really gave an explanation to my lack of activities, or my lack of anything really. Sorry. 

Mainly it started when I couldn't draw anymore, I wasn't happy back around mid February, I didn't like myself, I was getting sick, and I didn't like my work. I found it hard to enjoy anything. I had a really bad rough patch a few months ago, I was starting to get out of it towards May? 

I became a Mary Kay independent beauty consultant at the end of May, it was an unexpected turn in my life. It actually gave me hope for the first time in a long time that I was going somewhere. Well, it at least gave me a direction. I like it, it gave me optimism. All the women I've met through there were great! Very kind, supportive, and helpful. I think starting Mary Kay was a step in the right direction, like I had a safety net in case I just couldn't take my work anymore.

Then Memorial weekend hit, I worked 7 days straight through the weekend, which was an insanely busy weekend at my job, I was burnt out. My nerves were shot. Suddenly my anxiety that I hid so well surfaced full force, I had a horrible panic attack following that weekend. I felt out of my mind, I couldn't control anything. I was shaking, hyperventilating, vomiting. Nothing could calm me, it was the end of the world in that moment and I couldn't look past that moment, I was trapped in a dark void that I created for myself. I let my mom sleep beside me that night, I never let people see me this way but she was the only person that could have a calming effect on me. The next morning she called our insurance company and found out I could see someone about my anxiety. Also that I could go to the specialist's that I needed for my stomach problems. It was such a relief.

With Mary Kay I could still make some money while I cut down on my work hours, so I decided to finally take the time to get help for my health. 

I remember working the next Saturday, as I was moving the clothing on the racks I suddenly felt my heart take off, it was beating so fast and hard I thought I would be sick. I ran to the back room and made it a few steps in before falling to my knees and hyperventilating. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air and I didn't know what to do to calm myself. I was closing to passing out, at that point I wish I could have, when one of the new girls walked into the back and found me. She handled it perfectly, I couldn't speak, only gasp the first part of a word, but she got it. She grabbed me a small bag, I started to breathe into it and slowly I came back, surprisingly this was the first time I've used the bag method, it was great. 

Although, every time after that when I walked into work I felt like I was going to fall apart. It was like I was always moments away from another panic attack. My world was constantly revolving around how strong my control was on my anxiety. I didn't have energy to do anything, only trying to keep my shit together. My thoughts were always on my anxiety and how terrible I felt.

People say they understand.

They don't, unless they themselves have gone through it.  

It's so hard to convince other people you aren't losing your mind when you're having your own doubts. 

Fast forward a couple weeks. I've been seeing some doctors, getting answers little by little. They all think I should take medication for the anxiety, I'm hesitant since I've had a bad experience before, but I can't live like this. I feel like I'm an old lady, fragile and weak.

Money is stressing me out, paying for all these doctors and my regular bills, especially since I cut down to only a few hours a week. It's rough I won't lie. I want to break down and cry, I want to give up on everything because I'm tired and worn out. I keep moving forward, I need to, I have to move on.

I had some procedures done, don't feel like being specific, I fear the bill.

At my work things are chaotic and dramatic, I'm over it. I'm exhausted, I can't take another person claiming they care when it's a lie. I cannot stand being treated like a broken object, like I'm not a human with feelings. I don't even want to get into all the issues I'm having with my job because I just can't talk about it anymore, I want to move on. 

There is so much more bothering me but I just can't seem to bring myself to write about it, I don't even want to think about it. 

I wish I was normal, I'd give anything to never have to feel these feelings of anxiety again.

That's all I got.

I'm sorry to the people that commissioned me a loooong time ago, I swear I will get to it, I'm trying to draw again. I know it's not fair to make you guys wait, again I'm very sorry. 

Thank you to the amazing friends that have been supportive no matter what. You guys give me a reason to keep moving on. I want to return to you all, I want to be happy again. 

I will really try.
© 2014 - 2024 yumyumstrawberries
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cadefoster's avatar
cadefoster
Hey Yumyum,

I know we are not more than acquaintances, but I hope you stay strong. I cannot begin to really understand all they you are going through, but I hope you don't have to do it alone. I hear all the time of the good friends you have here and the support they will no doubt give. I won't lie and say it will get better, but hang in there and I hope will all sincerity that it does get better.