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YourDigitalAquarium

I am exhausted
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2 min read
funnily enough, when I attempted suicide on 4/20 I had not realized what day it was. I was supposed to smoke some weed, not try to kms! duh.

I don't know why I'm making this journal. probably because I'm high and I want to write out some things I've been thinking about lately.

I have changed a lot from the person I was last year.

for the positives,
I have been told that I have grown a lot as a person, that I've become more mature than I've ever been, apparently even more so than most responsible adults,
I've been seeing a couple therapists and a psychiatrist, as well as doing group therapy, and I've begun a pharmacological treatment,
I've become more self-aware, and mostly trying to avoid old patterns in my behavior.

but for the negatives,
I have been diagnosed with psychosis and insomnia, also my psychiatrist believes that I might have aspd with bpd tendencies.
I haven't managed to make any progress with letting go people from my past, if anything, I think I may be getting even worse from that regard.
I have become more apathetic than ever. I don't want to draw. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to write.
I don't want to live, but I don't even want to go out and kill myself. I don't want to do anything but keep getting more and more self-destructive until I die because I bought weed from the guy who puts crack in it or something.
I may have been managing to keep this last point at bay, however.

Last year I had an argument with someone which triggered my attempt, this year I argued with not one, but five different people for five different reasons. But I didn't even get close to trying to make an attempt on my life.

I turned eighteen this January, and I have been thinking about suicide even strongly after that particular date. I know I won't do it, I don't have the balls to do something like that anymore.

I figured I could just get high on 4/20 this year, so that's what I did instead of attempting suicide again, I guess.
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1 min read

henlo my dearest cinnamon rolls, it is I, yourdigitalbitch, in need for voice actors

I am working on a Danganronpa based visual novel with some friends, and I'd prefer it if the characters weren't completely mute.

I don't have money to give to the people for their work bc I'm a poor fuck, so I'm pretty much looking for volunteers, but if I do get some money out of the project, I will definitely spend most of it to pay the people who are willing to help me with this.

I need twenty two voice actors, or at least eleven who can do more than one voice.

these are the characters (not all of them are complete yet) sta.sh/2h8ta08ff6g?edit=1

and the script for the game will be given to the VAs that decide to work with me.

if you decide to help me, please make sure to provide me with a link to any of your previous work.
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7 min read
hey guess who hasn't killed themselves yet lmaoooo
but I want to write things, so I guess that's what I'll do. I also need to get some feelings/thoughts out of my head, so this is the perfect meme.
it four am lmao sorry for de grammer



dear person I hate,
I don't want to have anything to do with you.
because of you I have more mental issues than years passed here on Earth.
you don't even deserve my time.
I hope you live a sad life.


dear person I like (not romantically),
you are my closest friend.
I love you deeply, without you I would've done so many idiotic things, I'm glad you exist.
you always keep me company when I'm alone;
you never treat me like I'm an idiot because of my many delusions;
without you I wouldn't be here today.
I don't know yet whether to thank you for that or not, but I will know someday.
and I'll thank you or curse at you then.
bitch


dear ex boyfriend,
I wish you would read this.
I wish you would have treated me better, I wish you would have cared about me the way I cared about you;
I wish you would have been honest with me, I wish you would have known me better, I wish you would have said sorry;
I wish you would have empathized with me, I wish you wouldn't have left me all alone.
If you're wondering, I don't hate you. I never would be capable of hating you;
I'm just... very, very sad.
I still miss you, even after what I've done to you lately.
but someone's gotta do anything to get some attention, right?
I don't even think I want you back;
I don't think I want you back in my life, at least not in your current conditions.
I just wish we could talk one last time.
I hope you live a good life, especially now that I gave you your old friend back.
I'll try to move on now.


dear ex girlfriend,
If I had written this just a week ago, I would've moped about how you abandoned me.
but you came back in my arms, as we both smiled and laughed, while also shedding some tears.
I wish I could empty my head of all the terrible thoughts I had about you in these past years, but I can't;
I hope you can forgive me for that.
I wish this brand new start will be the beginning of something beautiful.
But please, never leave me again.
I don't think I could survive another rejection.


dear ex best friend,
we still hear each other from time to time;
I always get nostalgic when this happens.
our friendship didn't end with a bang, it just faded away.
and I think that it's worse this way.
seeing our friendship dissipate that way hurt me at the time;
it was like watching a dying person and not being able to do anything to help.
I hope we could be friends again, maybe someday.


dear best friend,
you deserve every good thing in the world.
you are the purest and nicest person I know,
however I wish you would be more useful during my delusional episodes;
but besides that, I love you deeply.
I've known you for... four years? five? I've lost count, and it's not just because I'm stupid in math;
it's because time flies ever since I've known you.
every single time I talk to you, I enjoy myself so much that, once we're done talking, I notice that we've been speaking for three hours.
I save every single picture, nude, or meme you send me,
and then I look at them afterwards, and I realize that I can't stop smiling.
sometimes I think I love you in a romantic way, but then I remember that I'm handicapable of love.
I hope you solve your anxiety issues,
and to many more years of being best friends!
bitch


dear person I miss,
I wanted to be like you.
I copied every single thing you did,
you wrote all lower case?
look at me, I still do it.
you wrote in a Dave Strider-ish manner?
check.
you drew and colored in a certain style?
I shamelessly attempted to copy your art style.
but then, you disappeared.
and I didn't know who to look up to.
I was empty, your abandonment hurt me more than it logically should have.
I don't know whether to thank you or curse at you,
because you're the reason I got so close to him in the first place.
you introduced me to so many things, you were always willing to have an idiotic conversation together.
and I miss all of that.
I wish I could rewind time and go back.
but I can't.
I hope you have a good life.


dear mom,
I wish you would have loved me more,
I wish you wouldn't think of me as a compulsive liar,
I wish you would believe what I wrote on my suicide note.
the day when you'll grow up and become a decent mom will never arrive soon enough.


dear dad,
you're the only decent member of my immediate family.
we have that certain dynamic that some cliché relationships between friends on TV have;
it's kinda cute,
I say anything, you make a stupid dirty/dad joke.
you're like the Tumblr tag # Dad Jokes in human form.
bitch


dear future me,
I hope you're either dead or cured.
if you're still alive;
I hope you took care of all those things you wanted to take care of,
I hope your relationships are finally stable,
I hope you learned how to cry and thus that you finally know how to let things out,
I hope you managed to sue him.
I'll keep on smoking to give you a good ol' cancer just in case though, k?
after all we both know,
being dead is better than living, even though never existing at all would have been better.
cunt


dear past me,
oh boi. I'm so sorry.
I'm everything you didn't want me to be.
you would proudly announce that you'd never be a smoker,
and yet here I am;
you wanted to be a straight As student,
and yet here I am;
you wanted to be a heart breaker,
but guess whose heart is broken.
I wish you would have known better, but how could I pretend something like that?
you are just a child, after all.
and yet, I still wish you would've done something about it sooner.
I'm sorry you were born, hang in there, sooner or later you'll die like everyone else.


dear person I'm jealous of,
please take care of him.
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2 min read
as some of you may have noticed, I haven't drawn anything in some time.
you may think ''ah, they must have problems with an art block!'' no, I don't.
the problem isn't that I don't know what to draw or that I can't draw properly anymore, in fact if I put my mind to it I can still sketch some things.

the problem is my mental health.

I've been struggling with depression for years, as some old watchers of mine may have noticed, I used to post every other day back in 2014, but in 2015 I started posting less and less, and now we're at a point in which I haven't posted anything in months.
I've received some notes with people asking me if I was okay, and to be honest, I'm not.
two months ago I even attempted suicide, just to let you have an idea of how bad it is.
and of course, life isn't fair to me and since I attempted suicide, someone who was very important to me decided to block me. so, I've been in an even darker place in these two months, so if before I barely sketched stuff on my notebook, now I don't even do that.

I recommend to stop watching me, at this point it's useless. it'd be like following a dead person's account.

if you commissioned me, I'm sorry, I won't be able to finish your commission.
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6 min read
(I'm making a journal too bc with it being on the front of my profile it may attract more attention??? hopefully)



PLEASE TELL ME YOUR ORDERS IN THE COMMENTS

Here is the picture with the prices and most information needed:




if people can't read my handwriting for some reason (yeah, I know I have shitty handwriting even though here I tried my best to make it more legible), here is all of the information that I wrote in it, with some examples of what it would look like:

ALL SKETCHES, REGARDLESS IF THEY'RE HEADSHOTS, WAISTS UPS, FULL BODIES, ECC, COST 3 EUR OR 4 USD


headshots 



(unfortunately I dont have other recent examples of headshots, and I cant find the original file for this to show the Lineart and flat colors version as well...)

LINEARTS COST 4 EUR/5 USD
FLAT COLORS COST 8 EUR/10 USD
FULLY COLORED PIECES COST 12 EUR/15 USD


bust ups








(here too, I'm missing the lineart version...)

LINEARTS COST 6 EUR/8 USD
FLAT COLORS COST 10 EUR/12 USD
FULLY COLORED PIECES COST 15 EUR/19 USD

Waist ups









LINEARTS COST 8 EUR/10 USD

FLAT COLORS COST 12 EUR/15 USD

FULLY COLORED PIECES COST 20 EUR/ 25 USD


Full bodies










LINEARTS COST 12 EUR/ 15 USD

FLAT COLORS COST15 EUR/ 19 USD

FULLY COLORED PIECES COST 25 EUR/ 31 USD





Character REFs/character design (colored)


(I'm so sorry but here I'm showing some refs I drew for personal uses, so they arent fully colored, but you saw how my fully colored pieces look from previous examples, so I guess it's fine-)







ONE FULL BODY COSTS 30 EUR/ 37 USD

TWO FULL BODIES (front and back) COSTS 50 EUR/ 62 USD

TWO FULL BODIES (front and back) + FOUR SIMPLE EXPRESSIONS COSTS 75 EUR/ 93 USD

THINGS I NEDD IF YOU DECIDE TO COMMISSION THIS KIND OF PIECE:

a detailed description of their appearance

provide examples for clothes/hair/peculiar features

specify if the character’s color palette has bright or grey-ish colors

a brief description of the character’s personality




    and now, here are some general rules AND INFO


I will send you wips for your commission every time I finish a step in drawing it (rough sketch, polished sketch, lineart, ecc)

I take a couple days to finish a piece (unless I encounter problems irl, forgive me if I end up taking some time tho, even though it shouldnt happen)

+50% for every character

+2 EUR/ 3 USD for a simple background

+20 EUR/ 25 USD for a complex background

WHAT  I WONT DRAW


NSFW

furries (pls I suck at drawing them)

mecha/armor

extreme gore

fetish art


WHAT  I WILL DRAW


OCs

gore (light)

OC x canon






now, let me explain the financial issues I mentioned in the title- me myself am not experiencing such problems, it's my significant other who is experiencing them and I want to help them in any way I can, but since I dont have money to give them, I decided to re-open my commissions.
they explain it themselves as well here: Help (Financial Issues-OPEN Commissions /not mine)





PAYMENTS OCCUR WHEN THE WORK IS HALF DONE (at lineart point)







SLOTS (they are limitless)

 :iconprussiaswest:  [F2U]Progress Bar - Rainbow Star (Posted) by StarriiChan Paid Button by RoyalBlackheart

:iconroseshavethornes:  [F2U]Progress Bar - Rainbow Star (Coloring) by StarriiChan Paid Button by RoyalBlackheart

:iconqueen-frozen: [F2U]Progress Bar - Rainbow Star (Not Started) by StarriiChan Unpaid Button by RoyalBlackheart

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