The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

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By xTernal7
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sucks. I've never seen a fantasy movie that would suck this bad since I've seen Eragon or Dragonheart 2: The New Beginning. My expectations were lowest possible but the movie still managed to disappoint me.

I saw it on Monday. It was fascinating how thoroughly Peter has ruined it. The quality of The Hobbit movies has been decreasing ever since the party reached Rivendell in the first movie, and this movie sets the new low. Is it a joke? Because I really hope that's just an elaborate joke, but seeing that Smaug in the second movie wasn't a joke either...

Yes, it starts with Smaug. Here's a quick recap of everything they've fucked up with Smaug in the second movie:
 1. Smaug is not a dragon by any standard (much less by Tolkien's!). That's a wyvern, learn the bloody difference.
 2. Oh good lord the way they did that chase
 3. The moment where Smaug gets covered in gold. Is that for real?
 4. You could probably find more
Well, since they fucked up a lot already, that means they can't fuck up even more, right? Wrong.

I mean; it really started well — Bard took his bow and quiver. At that point I was quite optimistic: no over-the-top bullshit this time around! Black arrow won't happen! The ballista won't happen! But no, half a minute later the bow is broken and quiver is empty, but fortunately Bard's son is there with the fucking arrow. Bard then sticks each half of his defunct bow into the invincible wooden tower and then uses his son as a tripod for aiming the arrow. In the midst of its flight, the arrow managed to take down my ability toucan. U   f o o k i n   w o t   m 8
What a shitty way to go. And while we're at that — why hasn't this happened at the end of the last movie? It really really could, and it would be for the better.

The REST of the movie is basically SOAP.

0. Why did Horde get rekt? Everybody knows that the Horde is better than Alliance.

1. What's with that ridiculous physics? The tower at the icy waterfall is the biggest offender, but there's plenty more (when Bard hits Smaug, the friction coefficient between the town and wyvern's body was negative). Guys, suspension of disbelief doesn't work when I have to suspend my disbelief with -9.

2. Speaking of the tower: Why does it look like Legolas has the power to control the sands of time?
>mfw legolas is actually the prince of fucking persia
God fucking dammit, Peter, I didn't came to watch the first boss fight from The Two Thrones.


3. I haven't come to watch Looney Tunes either. Yet that's what the final fight between Thorin and Azog was.

4. Do you think Tolkien was using eagles too liberally? Peter disagrees.
>mfw beorn air drop uwotm9.gif
How ridiculous can this shit get?

5. The way Peter invokes karma in this movie is fucking ridiculous.

6. When Gandalf and everybody who's not supposed to be in that movie fights in that abandoned fortress... DAE SHADOW OF MORDOR!?

7. The final dialogue between Tauriel and elven king. Paraphrasing:
"OMFG KILI IS KILL! HE DED! Y DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!"
-"cuz [the love] was reel"

O M F G  so deep  #3deep5me
No but really, what shitty teen movie did Peter rip off this time around? Why, why does this shit have to look like your average mexican telenovella?

8. Tauriel ruined everything. What could be approximately decent Throin-[twins] moment was instead turned into something shitty so Tauriel could express her love interests.

9. King tells Legolass to go and find "a man who goes by the name of Strider in the wilds, Aragorn IRL" at the end. There's only one problem. ARAGORN IS NOT EVEN A TEEN AT THAT POINT. He's fucking 10, he's not a man, he doesn't stride around anywhere yet.

10. Were that trolls? Why didn't they turn into stone like every proper troll does (as per Unexpected Journey).

11. I took some issues with subtitles as well. For Slovenian folk:
     a) 'lord' -> 'knez'. The correct and far more apt translation: 'Gospod'/'Gospa'.
     b) The 'wyrm/wurm-something' thingy started with 'zmaj'. No, word 'dragon' has nothing to do here. If it's 'Wyrm' -> 'zmij', if it's wurm (and it looked far more like a wurm) it's 'črv'.

     I did kinda like how they translated the title 'dragon slayer' (ignoring 'wyvern slayer' would be more apt for the context). A friend of mine and I once spent a lenghty time talking about translations and lamented the fact how 'dragonslayer' sounds awesome while there's no Slovenian equivalent. We tried to get one, failed in the process. The translators offered 'zmajemorec' which does sound rather nice. It's also probably picked from the translation of the book, but I've never made a mental note about that.

The only good thing about the movie is 48 FPS, which I didn't see because that would require additional effort that would cost both extra money and even more extra time, and the movie isn't worth it. I'd really like to see 48 FPS in action, but I guess this isn't happening with this movie. Maybe when Avatar 2 comes out.

Oh, and while we're speaking about framerates: at certain moments regular 24 fps looks like they were dropping every other frame without proper blur.

The movie and everything was made on computers running Linux and KDE, but I'm really not sure if that's a positive aspect of the movie or a negative aspect of Linux and KDE.


TL;DR The third Hobbit is the AC:Unity of the movie industry.
I was warned it will suck, I came prepared. I've had no idea this movie will suck far more than I expected.
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