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Life Update- It's a Sad One

Journal Entry: Tue Sep 18, 2018, 7:53 PM






I am unwell, and it kind of stings the pride to admit it. I was hoping that posting this here might be therapeutic, but I might just end up deleting it haha. 

So, long story short, I was dating this man that I loved who was ten years my senior, but I really loved him, and I think he really loved me. The only issue was that we didn't agree on things spiritually, and I think that this is a very important front to be united on, plus, after dating 3.5 years, I was expecting this thing to have some forward momentum toward marriage, and it really wasn't at that point. 

So I told him that I thought we needed to break up because the change that he had promised me four or five times had not manifested, and that left me feeling more like a convenience and like I was almost being unintentionally led on. He said that he couldn't argue with anything I was saying. He asked if there was any shot at redemption and that he had started saving for a ring (which was a huge shock to me) and I told him that I would need some time and some space first. 

That pretty much ruined me, really. I've been a pretty big mess for the past five months or so. I have not been myself at all and it makes me feel ungrateful and guilty that I even feel this bad over everything. I have so freaking much to be thankful for. So so much, and I'm a mess because of this? 

He texted me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and told me that his mom had passed away, so I sent flowers and delivered a meal to his house yesterday, and somehow, I guess I thought he'd be pretty repentant and somber, and maybe he would say that he'd been thinking it over and I was right and he was sorry and he'd like to try again, but that didn't happen. He was relatively closed and upbeat, and didn't look to be half the mess that I felt I was. 

Worse of all, I just feel abandoned. Like I chose God, but I'm being punished for it. And I know my mentality is all screwed up. Like, I knew depression was awful and had always hurt for those going through it, but I guess there's nothing like firsthand experience, huh? 

Around the time all of this happened, to be a bit dramatic, my dearest friend from many years sort of lost all interest in me, and it seems like there's nothing I can do to mend this relationship. I've reached out and explained things, and she was very supportive until she had to go back to work. With her, it's kind of an "out of sight, out of mind," things. I forgive her for it, and I should expect it of her, but it's still a bit much for me to bear in the current situation. 

God has blessed me so very much, and I just feel so guilty that this is ruining me so. I just want to be who I was before. I loved the person I was back before the break up. Why am I just blowing all this out of proportion? I wasn't promised marriage, even though I feel like God has put it on my heart to be a wife. I wasn't promised that this one was the one I would marry. I certainly wasn't promised that everything in my life would be smooth sailing (not that it has been, just that this has been especially devastating). It's like, despite my warning myself repeatedly, I put my identity into my boyfriend when it should have been in God. I'm so thankful that God  loves me, even when I can't feel it and when I don't love myself the way I should. He is sovereign in my life, even when it doesn't feel like it. "I believe in the sun when it is not shining, I believe in God even when He is silent."

I guess I just need some reassurance that I won't always hate myself. Anyone with any advice? I have a problem with investing in only a very small number of people, and it seems that I broke up with one of them, and the other isn't present enough to talk. Despite that, I've been trying to socialize as much as I can, but working full time, taking 12 grad hours and the daily crying are just exhausting. I'm about to start rehearsals for another show, which I hope I will enjoy (though this is my first one in 3.5 years without him right there in rehearsal next to me). Everything just looks so bleak and pointless right now which, I know, stereotypical depression. Again, I would appreciate any advice from those with wisdom to share. 

I hate reading this, but hopefully this'll help explain why I've been so quiet here and on my ff.net account. I've just been devastated and haven't had the energy to care, which I feel endlessly guilty over, and I do apologize. 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Sorry it's a bummer xD

God Bless,
-RainFlame

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Uh, well, I just wanted a place to organize my to-do list, so I'm using this space ^-^ But by all means, if you're just feeling generous, feel free to donate :D It'll be used for commissions and donating to other lovely artists on the site.

Let's call it a tip jar ;)


To Do List:
-Commish for willplay1a on FA
-Commish for friend

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x-RainFlame-x
Rain
Artist | Hobbyist
United States
I am primarily an animal artist, but I've been known to do my fair share of human art. My style is heavily influenced by anime, though I'm trying to work some of that out of my animal style. I've been drawing a long time but have only recently dappled in digital art :) Love it so far.

I am also a musician. I play piano, saxophone and clarinet and LOVE conducting choirs. I also love writing, though I mainly do fan fiction (I know, I need to be more original haha XD).

Visit me on FanFiction: RainFlame



A letter found in the office of a missionary, martyred for his faith in Christ in Zimbabwe, Africa. This struck a chord with me, and though I'm not there yet, I want to have this man's faith:

“I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I’m a disciple of his. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

“My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.

“I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted in prayer, and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

“I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ.

“I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for his own, he will have no problem recognizing me . . . my banner will be clear!”


(Taken from “The Signature of Jesus,” by Brannan Manning, 1988.)
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Comments


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:iconcloudcat1:
CloudCat1 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2018  Student General Artist
Aaa your art is awesome! 
Thank you soso much for the watch! It means a whole lot <3
Reply
:iconx-rainflame-x:
x-RainFlame-x Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2018  Hobbyist
Aww, thanks so much! Your art is adorable c: Thank you for the watch as well! 
Reply
:iconlittletwiddletweaker:
totaly re-reading stairway to paradise btw. story is to good
Reply
:iconx-rainflame-x:
x-RainFlame-x Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2018  Hobbyist
Aww, thanks so much! By the way, it's finished over on my ff.net account :'D I just haven't updated it over here lol.
Reply
:icontortola-tailspin:
Tortola-Tailspin Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
*waves hello*
:)
Reply
:iconx-rainflame-x:
x-RainFlame-x Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2018  Hobbyist
HEY! How are you?!
Reply
:icontortola-tailspin:
Tortola-Tailspin Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hello!
I'm doing well. I'm on break so I have been working on more artwork.
Your art is as beautiful as ever, I hope you have been well.
Reply
:iconx-rainflame-x:
x-RainFlame-x Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2018  Hobbyist
Jealous haha. Just taking a break from touring? (Is that what it's called? You're in the military, right? Or am I making that up? lol).

My school year just started, so I'm working and taking 12 hours of grad classes because I'm insane lol. Thank you so much, I'm so glad you like it! <3 That means a lot to me! 

Ugh, we totally need to art trade sometime. Your sketches are so dang cute. Maybe over the Christmas holidays? :'D
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcreepynekow:
Creepynekow Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2018  Hobbyist Artist
Love your art <3!
Reply
:iconx-rainflame-x:
x-RainFlame-x Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2018  Hobbyist
Thank you so much! I hope you continue to enjoy it <3
Reply
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