I am unwell, and it kind of stings the pride to admit it. I was hoping that posting this here might be therapeutic, but I might just end up deleting it haha.
So, long story short, I was dating this man that I loved who was ten years my senior, but I really loved him, and I think he really loved me. The only issue was that we didn't agree on things spiritually, and I think that this is a very important front to be united on, plus, after dating 3.5 years, I was expecting this thing to have some forward momentum toward marriage, and it really wasn't at that point.
So I told him that I thought we needed to break up because the change that he had promised me four or five times had not manifested, and that left me feeling more like a convenience and like I was almost being unintentionally led on. He said that he couldn't argue with anything I was saying. He asked if there was any shot at redemption and that he had started saving for a ring (which was a huge shock to me) and I told him that I would need some time and some space first.
That pretty much ruined me, really. I've been a pretty big mess for the past five months or so. I have not been myself at all and it makes me feel ungrateful and guilty that I even feel this bad over everything. I have so freaking much to be thankful for. So so much, and I'm a mess because of this?
He texted me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and told me that his mom had passed away, so I sent flowers and delivered a meal to his house yesterday, and somehow, I guess I thought he'd be pretty repentant and somber, and maybe he would say that he'd been thinking it over and I was right and he was sorry and he'd like to try again, but that didn't happen. He was relatively closed and upbeat, and didn't look to be half the mess that I felt I was.
Worse of all, I just feel abandoned. Like I chose God, but I'm being punished for it. And I know my mentality is all screwed up. Like, I knew depression was awful and had always hurt for those going through it, but I guess there's nothing like firsthand experience, huh?
Around the time all of this happened, to be a bit dramatic, my dearest friend from many years sort of lost all interest in me, and it seems like there's nothing I can do to mend this relationship. I've reached out and explained things, and she was very supportive until she had to go back to work. With her, it's kind of an "out of sight, out of mind," things. I forgive her for it, and I should expect it of her, but it's still a bit much for me to bear in the current situation.
God has blessed me so very much, and I just feel so guilty that this is ruining me so. I just want to be who I was before. I loved the person I was back before the break up. Why am I just blowing all this out of proportion? I wasn't promised marriage, even though I feel like God has put it on my heart to be a wife. I wasn't promised that this one was the one I would marry. I certainly wasn't promised that everything in my life would be smooth sailing (not that it has been, just that this has been especially devastating). It's like, despite my warning myself repeatedly, I put my identity into my boyfriend when it should have been in God. I'm so thankful that God loves me, even when I can't feel it and when I don't love myself the way I should. He is sovereign in my life, even when it doesn't feel like it. "I believe in the sun when it is not shining, I believe in God even when He is silent."
I guess I just need some reassurance that I won't always hate myself. Anyone with any advice? I have a problem with investing in only a very small number of people, and it seems that I broke up with one of them, and the other isn't present enough to talk. Despite that, I've been trying to socialize as much as I can, but working full time, taking 12 grad hours and the daily crying are just exhausting. I'm about to start rehearsals for another show, which I hope I will enjoy (though this is my first one in 3.5 years without him right there in rehearsal next to me). Everything just looks so bleak and pointless right now which, I know, stereotypical depression. Again, I would appreciate any advice from those with wisdom to share.
I hate reading this, but hopefully this'll help explain why I've been so quiet here and on my ff.net account. I've just been devastated and haven't had the energy to care, which I feel endlessly guilty over, and I do apologize.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Sorry it's a bummer xD