KH One Shot: The Cliche

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Literature Text

Sora heaved the Kingdom Key over his shoulder.

He was close.
He could feel it.

How long had he been travelling down this path? It was the same itinerary all over again. Travel to a bunch of worlds, get involved in plots that had almost nothing to do with his main quest, rescue his friends, take down the misguided was a vicious cycle and this was no different.

"Sora! What took you so long?" Sora could only sigh at the sight of an obviously possessed Riku due to the "darkness" outfit he hadn't worn in years. "What happened? Were my creatures that much trouble?"

The Keyblade wielder glanced at his watch. "Less than 20 hours this time," he muttered. Then to Riku, "You call those flunkies of yours challenging? Please." He readjusted the bandana made out of Riku's old blindfold. "I would've gotten here earlier, but I had to find all 101 dalmatians, get the Ultima Weapon recipe, save the Hundred Acres Wood, etcetera, etcetera. Look, just cut the crap. I know you're not Riku. You're this creature called an "Undefinable," so let's just get this over with."

"As you wish," 'Riku' cackled. With a flourish of his arm and a snap of his fingers, a puff of darkness revealed a giant white lotus pod exactly like where Sora had slept to regain his memories. Inside it contained the floating unconscious form of Kairi. On closer inspection, Sora noticed she was completely naked. "Behold! I've reconfigured this pod to force your fiancée to experience the worst psychological torture you could possibly imagine! No normal human being with as much passion as her can withstand it and remain sane!"

"Does it have anything to do with seeing her friends die helplessly over and over?" Sora continued to focus at Kairi's floating nude form.

"She is being forced to live through every yuri fanfiction that has ever been written!" The possessed Riku peered wickedly at Sora, expecting an angry outburst or a whiny pleading to let his friends go. Surprisingly, Sora didn't even bat an eyelash.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Sora finally asked, "Why is Kairi naked?"

"Well, she was taking a shower when we kidnapped her." Riku stopped himself. "Wait, that's not the point! You can either save her by destroying me or forsake her for your best friend's body back! If you don't make a decision, I'm going to destroy them bo-"

"Shut up." The Undefinable was taken aback by Sora's callous response. "Let's get something straight. The only one that's going to die is the one who started this whole mess in the first place." He pointed his Keyblade at his enemy. "That would be you."

"You were foolish to come alone! Where are those sidekicks of yours? You can't defeat me by yourself!"

"Pfft. Donald and Goofy? Both of them had more important engagements."

"More imp-" Riku couldn't believe what he was hearing. "More important than the fate of the worlds?"

"Donald's FINALLY proposing to Daisy and Goofy's attending his son's wedding." Sora shrugged. "We figured that this was just another one of those stupid plots where some stereotypical 'evil' being kidnapped my friends and is trying to take the Keyblade's power for themselves." The bushy-haired Keyblader let out a little sigh. "Honestly, I was expecting something challenging."

"Well, aren't you confident? I've destroyed countless warriors more experienced than you over the centuries, you insolent brat! I've-"

"Blah blah blah." Sora still looked unimpressed. In fact, he looked downright bored with the whole ordeal. "Just get to the part where you leave Riku's body and transform into your super-mega-ultimate form already after four lengthy phases."

The Undefinable was losing its composure by the Keyblade Master's annoying demeanor. "I heard that you were a kind, caring boy who would sacrifice himself for his friends. Yet you're acting like this is just some game to you! I mean, don't you care?!"

"HA!" Sora's lips twitched into a smirk. "You know how long I've been dealing with so-called world-dominating idiots like you? Thirteen freakin' years! THIRTEEN! And guess what? I'm STILL in 10th grade! STILL! Riku and Kairi have already graduated with successful jobs when they're not busy being kidnapped or possessed! I can't hold a steady income because I'm always forced to travel all the time due to these lame power-hungry plots! I barely have enough munny because of all the collateral damage I have to pay for fighting you people! And don't get me started on all the loans I have to pay off!" Light began to congregate around the Keyblade's tip, causing the Undefinable-possessed Riku to flinch.

"Fool! You would willingly sacrifice your friend to destroy me?!" After a few seconds, Sora lowered his Keyblade. Sensing reluctance, 'Riku' laughed maniacally. "You soft-hearted moron! Your hesitation will be your undo-"


The creature found itself being forcefully expelled from Riku's body, forming into a hulking mass of darkness overshadowing the two friends.

"H-how-" Its eyes widened at Sora as the Keyblade Master blew across the top of Jack Sparrow's pistol.

"Ectoplasmic bullet." The creature tried to maintain an upright position and its dignity.

"BAH! You think one shot is going to-"

BANG! It collapsed into a dying heap of fumes.

"Whatever. I've got homework due tomorrow."

"" Sora jerked his thumb at the black bandana wrapped around his head.

"Infinite ammo," he growled. And with that, the Undefinable disappeared from existence, leaving Riku full control of his body. The pod behind him quietly split open as Kairi was released from her imprisonment. Both of them rubbed and blinked their eyes as they readjusted back into reality.

"Sora?" Kairi gave him a quick welcoming peck on the cheek. "What happened?" Sora handed her the pre-packed spare set of clothing.

"The usual," he responded.

"Again?" Kairi rolled her eyes as she rummaged for her panties. "Seriously? Can't these bums come up with anything original?"

Riku's "darkness" suit evaporated, leaving him in his regular traveling clothes. "Agreed. You'd think these saps would learn from their mistakes by now."

"Hang on." Kairi removed her phone from her purse. "Selphie? Yeah, sorry about not returning your call a few days ago." Pause. "Yeah, I was kidnapped again. And let me tell you..." While Kairi went on, Riku placed his hand on Sora's shoulder.

"Hey, Sora?"

"I know what you're going to say, Riku. Don't mention it. You would've done the same for me."

"Actually, I was going to remind you that your paper's due tomorrow." Sora massaged his forehead between his thumb and forefinger.

"Out of all the jobs you could've taken, you end up being my homeroom teacher."

* * *

Pence leaned back in his chair and stared blankly at the computer monitor. He swiveled around to face Hayner, who had an anxious expression on his face.

"So, what'd you think?" Hayner asked apprehensively.

"I'll give you credit for creativity, but..."

"But what?" Pence gently scritched his ear.

"There's no way anyone's going to take this story seriously. I mean, Riku being possessed again? Kairi in yuri fanfics? And Sora still in tenth grade?"

Hayner only grinned. "Hey, you never know. Stranger things have happened."
Artwork by :iconhallsth-eien: Check out the rest of her works! :D

In case you're confused, in the Metal Gear Solid series, there's a special item (the bandana) that allows all your weapons to have infinite ammo when you equip it.

Yeah, I was waiting for the art piece to be finished before posting this, but it gave me time to proofread. :)
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cmd1095's avatar
heh heh, this was quite entertaining