Invocation pt1 Ghosts

Invocation pt 1 Ghosts in Midwinter   by philtackular

Shadows move in the mist.
January 2008
Idaho

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"Phil? Where are you going, dear?

Rats. My Mom had seen me trying to sneak away, so I had to turn around and say something.

"It's okay Mom, I'm just going on a walk. Don't worry 'bout me."

I didn't let her respond to that, knowing it would only end with an awkward and inadequate explanation. So, I shivered, then zipped my winter coat up, and trudged through the snow. The sun was about to set and that meant the temperature would drop soon; nights were cold in the mountains, and frostbite was killer. I couldn't think straight, hadn't been able to for weeks. A long, quiet walk would help clear my mind and conscience, so I just left. I had my hunting knife and I knew the area well so I wasn't worried; far from it, I felt like the forest was mine. Hunting and hiking were two of my favorite hobbies and I did both often. This was, in fact, my favorite campsite and I had spent many weekends living here. But now I needed an escape, even from the camp. As my boots crunched through the snow, my thoughts drifted randomly for a while, and then finally settled on my family. Mom. Dad. My older brother who had gone missing last year. The other, younger kids. I sighed and watched my breath mist. Nothing will ever be the same.

A light breeze ruffled my dark brown hair, and I realized I had forgotten my hat. Oh, well. It's not too cold; I'll only be a few hours. I just needed a break. I had my avalanche emergency beacon, hunting knife, asthma inhaler, and winter coat so I felt that as long as I wasn't out for too long that I'd be fine.

Letting my legs decide where I was going, but staying on the trails, I kept thinking about Jason. My older brother had always been there for me, and when he disappeared..... it seemed Jason had taken some part of me with him. We had been close brothers. Even when Jason started acting weird one year our relationship had been strong; though weird didn't begin to describe that year. I still can't believe he's gone . That phone call really stunk. Our family phone started ringing at four in the morning, and all the speaker had to say was that Jason had been missing his classes at the university for a week. My Mom had a heart attack, and my Dad said it was probably nothing. Jason's gonna be ok. Yeah, right. We haven't heard from him for a year and six months. The police had no idea what happened to him, still don't. He just disappeared. Why him?  

Shaking myself out of despair, I took in my surroundings. Clouds obscured the southern and eastern horizons, but the sky above was clear and sparkled with stars. The trees around me were coated in heavy layers of perfect white snow. The forest had received multiple inches of powder the day before, and everything seemed clean and pristine, the perfect picture for a postcard. Even the air smelled pure, full of life and meaning. Nature always had a healing effect on me; that's why I needed this.

Breathing in that fresh mountain air, I let my memories wash over me. I remembered my first hunt, the one when my Dad had showed me how to live in the wild, to respect nature, and to make clean kills. I remembered when Jason and I had finished our fifty-mile hike together in front of the entire scout group. The year when the family house burned down in an electrical fire and we had to stay at a friend's house until a new place could be bought. Good memories. Even when the house burned, I had liked living with my best friend for a few months, spaghetti O's and everything. Things seemed different to me now, like the old times weren't ever going to come back. I sighed again. Why am I so sad? I had been feeling like this for weeks now and was worried about depression. I had never considered myself an emotional guy, but with Jason's disappearance-things were off. That's why I needed this camp-out, to reconnect with my spirit and reconcile my fears. But it hadn't worked yet......thus my wanderings.

Thoughts came and went. Fears rose and fell. Memories. Wishes. Hopes. Dreams. Sorrow for what was lost. My heart ached for inner peace, and I wanted to feel good again. My brother, oh my brother. Why did he have to go? And it wasn't just Jason that had me sick, it was so many other things. Some of my friends had moved, and I missed them dearly. Now I only had a small group of kids my age that I could call "friends".  School was boring, my uncle had died, my car kept breaking down. Whatever. I'm sick of this. Get a grip on yourself man! You're alive, right? Stop being so depressed! If only.

As I walked, the wind picked up and the air grew colder; a storm was coming. Those clouds to the south and east were headed my way and they looked like they meant business.  It had been a couple hours since I had left camp and I knew I should head back soon, but I didn't feel satisfied with my trek yet. I had wanted a few hours' solace to myself and didn't want to go back until I had properly meditated. So I kept walking, and shivered in my clothes. Thinking about my life, my family, and my friends. Wishing Jason could be here, or my best friend, or even my cousins. But now I was stuck on another lonesome family camp-out; even though this had been my idea, and though I wasn't truly alone, there just wasn't anyone my age. All alone. No, don't think about that. That's not important. Finding yourself again is.

After another hour, the cold grew unbearable and I finally relented. The snow had gathered a thin layer of ice on top, and every step I took crunched loudly. I was about six miles from the campsite when I first felt it: the trees to either side of the path seemed to grow eyes. I felt that familiar sensation between my shoulder blades, and a shiver crawled down my spine. Something was watching me. Being an avid hunter, I knew the feeling well. Sometimes it meant that game was nearby, other times….danger.  The sudden adrenaline spike surprised me. I stopped, gathered my breath, and focused. All was still. Though it was dark, the moon's reflection off of the snow helped me see. I clutched the knife beneath my coat, crouched, and sidestepped off the trail and into the tree line.

Minutes passed. Nothing. The forest was quiet, almost as if it were empty. That was odd; even in the dead of winter the forest was full of life, sounds, and movement. But all had gone quiet. Since I had stopped moving, the cold had seeped into my feet and fingers. Shivering and shaking, I decided to continue my trek to camp. I knew the dangers of being caught alone outside during a snow storm and was anxious to return to the campfire. I had seen frostbite and didn't want to experience it for myself. My Dad would probably chastise me for going without one of the travel packs, but I had always been confident in my abilities. But now it was cold. The feeling went away, and I hadn't seen anything move so I left the tree line and again walked the trail.

Then the feeling returned. I had been walking only for a minute and felt those eyes. I wasn't one to get spooked easily but this was uncanny. Pulling out the knife, I continued walking. Wondering why I hadn't brought the gun my Dad had given me for my last birthday, I thought of the possibilities. Elk, deer, and moose were very common in the area, but they all avoided humans. There weren't many Grizzlies out here, but there were a few black bears. The few wolf packs around were small so I wasn't too worried about them; it was the cougars that concerned me. They liked to stalk their prey for a while before they pounced. Cougar attacks on humans were rare, though not unheard of. The possibility of it being a human was a long shot; not many people would be hiking around this time of year, especially this time of night. And that storm would have scared all but the most desperate of predators. So, if something was actually there, it was most likely unfriendly. Great.

Knowing I was close to camp, I had a sudden urge to jog the rest of the way, but hesitated. Jogging might work up my asthma, and would create extra noise. Walking would increase chances of freezing and prolong my return to safety. Focus. My cellphone wouldn't have any service in the mountains, and the avalanche emergency beacon wouldn't help me immediately. I hadn't brought my snow-shoes, or my flair gun, thinking that this walk would be like any other. How could I be so stupid? I knew better than this. I had apparently been more distracted than I thought. But then again, this is my specialty. How many times have I been lost in the mountains and survived off of my own skills as a hunter? Too many to be phased by this.

Then I realized there might not be anything at all. How silly; I was just jumpy, that's all. Nothing to worry about, I was overreacting. It must have been the cold. It was literally freezing. The air seemed to suck the very life out me. Snow was now falling all around, and the little light from the moon would soon disappear behind the clouds. Shivers wracked my body, and my breathing quickened. I noticed my fingers had gone numb, and I couldn't feel my toes. This was bad. At least there is only four miles left. But would I last that long? I didn't know. Just made myself walk, and walk.

The storm arrived with the force of a hurricane. Walls of ice and snow gusted across tree tops and then down between the trunks. Bushes and plants disappeared under the torrential snowfall. The trail became buried under the new inch of snow and I could no longer see five feet in front of me.  My boots had somehow let snow in and my socks became wet, my pants were soaked and my face was numb. The moon was swallowed up by unseen clouds, and night descended upon everything. Through darkness and ice, I walked.

That nervous sensation returned stronger than ever. It seemed to awaken some primitive instinct within me, telling me to run. The thick snow billowing and gusting around me caked my face and crusted my coat. I couldn't see, couldn't feel, but I knew I had to run. So I ignored my unresponsive legs and shambled across the ice. Must keep going. Fear started to rip at my heart, and my body injected more adrenaline into my bloodstream. Then my asthma crystallized and seized my lungs. My airways clamped shut, disallowing further oxygen. Truly panicked, I fumbled in my pockets for my emergency inhaler. Fingers too cold to feel grasped my lifeline and with one last intake of air I sucked in the medicine. My vision tripled but my lungs started working; the inhaler always made me dizzy. Breathing worsened again and I was about to use my medicine once more when I heard something.

Amidst the roar of the wind, the accelerated beating of my heart, and my own fear I heard a scuffling. Like a crab across sand. Nothing in the forest scuttles like a crab. My mind formed hallucinations and shadows that danced across my vision. My subconscious created horrors out of nothing. Then more sounds caused me to stop. My ice-encrusted eyes searched the grey landscape vainly; black shapes moved in and out of sight accompanied by scratches and crunching sounds. Ghosts in midwinter. I felt a rising within me, a great internal build-up of natural defensive will. I cannot allow myself to perish yet. The rest of my life is before me, I won't leave it yet. All of the depressive thoughts from weeks past evaporated. Only here and now remained. I am in control. I readied my blade and willed my soul to stand. Against the current of ice and death, I stood.

Something hit the snow to my left. I spun on my heels to face the enemy, but nothing attacked. The hunter's instinct within me screamed deceit. Realizing my mistake, I tried to turn around in time but was far too late. With the force of a bullet train my adversary mauled me. Razor sharp claws cut through my coat and shirt like paper. My body was blasted into the air and flew towards the tree line. Thud. Bones shattered and ribs cracked; pain laced with agony smashed my nerves. Deep cold poured into my slashed and bleeding chest, numbing my wounds. Vision faltered, collapsed, and came back to me in fractions of a second. My right hand still grasped my knife, so I rose to my feet and blinked back tears. Seeing a shadow launch itself toward me, I lashed out with my weapon. The darkness answered by curving around my pathetic strike and raked me again with those claws. This time a tee stopped my flight. Break. Then a falling sensation coupled with horror. Crunch. All the nerves in my left leg gave out and my lungs filled with mercury.

Cold. So cold. My mind splintered into fragments, then gathered once more. Knowing that my adversary was still coming, I gritted my teeth and tried to sit up. I was almost to my knees when a muscled foot slammed me back into the snow. Guttural snarls emitted from the shape above me, and the beast pinned me underneath its limb. The scent of blood and death was strong, and I knew, deep down, that this was how it would end. No! I won't go down without a fight. I twisted underneath the furred clamp and as I reached out, my hands grasped the fallen knife. With every ounce of my being I stabbed into the leg of the monster. Sharp needles of pain raced down my arm, and I realized it had flayed open my wrist. NO! Total frustration filled my mind and I screamed defiance at the beast. But my will died, and only pain filled my soul. The knife had been pulled out of the wound, and the monster's tissue healed right before my eyes. Then the unthinkable:

"WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?"
Human words roared from an inhuman creature. Impossible. The foot of the monster that stood upon me was covered in black fur and was the size of my entire chest, but the shape was wrong. An elongated bear's or a wolf's. Then that foot pushed down upon my chest and crushed the air out of me. Stop, please, just stop. Asthma took the place of oxygen and bile replaced saliva. Pressure so intense it felt like my head would pop right off any moment. I coughed up blood and sputtered. This must not go on, please, someone hear my plea! The great weight pushed down to snuff out my life. I could feel my existence flatten and start to collapse. Black streaks appeared at the edges of my eyes. Oh, please. I don't want to die, please. Ohhhh, it hurts. FATHER!

"TELL ME, WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE? IS YOUR SUFFERING ABSOLUTE?"
Pain. The daemon's howling words cut through the mist of death, and my ears rang with the intensity of their volume. It wanted an answer from its prey.

"I-I don't w-want to d-d-die, p-plea-please j-just stop" Shivers and pain shook my body.

"WHO ARE YOU TO ASK OF ME? DON"T YOU GET IT? YOU'RE DEAD!"

"w-w-why…. a-are you d-doing th-i-is?" I barely manage between labored gasps. More ribs cracked and then broke. Blood bubbled around the foot of the fiend as it crushed me. I was going to die.

"ITS ONE OF THE RULES, MEAT. I KILL YOU CAUSE YOU'VE SEEN ME."

Then the weight lessened. It lowered its massive head and I finally beheld the animal that would end my life, only inches from my head. Black fur covered a giant wolf's head. Its jaws opened and I felt its hot breath bake my face; brilliant white teeth dripped blood and drool onto my chest. As I stared into its mouth, I felt my heart flutter, and I quickly looked elsewhere. Its eyes, though gold, were covered with a film of red.  But those eyes were familiar. No, it can't be. Behind those bestial eyes lurked an intelligent being. One that could think, one that could talk. It can't be. Then The wolf's red tongue snaked out of its maw and slid over my bleeding chest. Agony exploded from my ribcage where the rough, warm tongue lapped up my life blood. I cried as more pain shot across my chest. That's my blood! That hateful mouth slid its tongue across its teeth, savoring my essence. Then lowered its head again and whispered to me.

"I hope it hurts. I want you to feel total agony, to wish you never existed. I want you to feel helpless. I want you to cry your heart out, to beg for your life. I WANT YOU TO SUFFER AS I HAVE!"

I cried and tears rolled down my face. The pain was too much, far too much to handle. My very soul grieved for my injuries. I can't hold on, please oh please, help me. Help me. Rough hands lifted my broken body off the ground. My head rolled, and I was now hanging in front of him above the ground. Those filmy red eyes studied my wounds, my bloodied body, and then locked on my own eyes. Even as my life oozed from my body, my mind was shocked at what it saw. Human intelligence, human sorrow, and human hate. Those golden-red orbs belonged to a kid, just like me. This creature was the body of a human! It can't be, it's not possible. They aren't real! I couldn't hold on, couldn't take it anymore. My eyes grew darker. How can I hate him now? I finally learn that they exist and the first one I meet wants to kill me. Why me, ohhh why?

The black wolf recoiled, its ears flattened against its head. I had apparently said those last thoughts aloud. He seemed to struggle with himself, emotions played across his face, and then he looked at me.

"Who are you? When I attacked, you didn't run, didn't scream or call for help. You're just a kid, and you stood against something out of the darkest nightmare. And then you asked me why I'm doing this. YOU CAN"T ASK ME THAT! YOU ARE NO ONE, NOBODY. YOU"RE A KID, OKAY, YOU ARE JUST A KID. I DON"T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I HATE WHO I AM, I HATE WHAT I'VE DONE. NOTHING CAN SAVE ME NOW. I'M SO FAR GONE, NO ONE WOULD HELP ME. I JUST WANT TO KILL EVERYTHING!" His savage screaming pierced my ears.

"p-please, plea-please just s-stop. I can't t-take it any-anymore. Please, I, uunnnhh, I c-could help y-you."
Every cough that shook my frail body was red. All of my wounds burned like fire, and my eyesight was slowly fading. My corrupted lungs twisted in agony with every breath. I was slipping into shock, and frostbite was swallowing my limbs. All would be darkness soon. He says he's so far gone that nothing can help him. I know what could help him. Nobody is beyond saving.  I didn't want to hurt him anymore, he was human. Something horrible happened in his life and I was his vent. Another cough sent spasms through my body. I could help him. If only he could save me. Oh the irony, I want to save him but he would have to save me first.

"YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP. YOU CAN'T HELP ME. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP ME?" His face was screwed up in agony, and the red film across his eyes began to fade.

"I-I, uugghh, I p-pro-promise th-that I would help you, uunnnnh, I-I wou-ld---

"NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!"

"S-some, someone d-does—

"NO, NO, NOOO! I'VE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE. NO ONE CARES!"

"I-If y-you let me li-live, I'd, ungh, I'd listen, I c-care----"

"I TRIED TO KILL YOU! I DRANK YOUR BLOOD, BROKE YOUR ARMS, RUINED YOUR LIFE! YOU SHOULD HATE ME!"

"I d-d-don't, my li-life, unnnh, has been ha-ard too, we c-could w-work it-out---"

"WHY DO YOU CARE, I'M A MONSTER! I HATE ME.  I WANT TO DROWN IN MY OWN MISSERY, I WANT TO DIE! "

"y-you a-are a person, you c-can be s-saved, n-no sin is, uugh, unfor-r-givable---"

"I AM DESOLATE. I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, NOTHING! WHY DO YOU WANT TO SAVE ME?"

"I-I want t-to live, I wa-want to live, i-if y-you let me, I'd be y-your friend, I'd be, ohhh, your f-friend"

The storm had engulfed the mountains. In the darkness of the night, the snow covered every inch of ground, every tree in the forest, and blew around the two of us. I could feel the last of my life dripping out my corpse, feel my conscious slip away. The black streaks across my eyes obscured my vision, and my mind went numb. The last thing I saw was a snow covered wolf with black fur, crying like a child.

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A large, black, wolf-like creature stood on two legs and held a dying boy. The wolf's frame was shaking, and tears froze as they fell from its face. Gusts of wind blew snow between the two figures, making them appear as ghosts. The wolf howled in agony, then looked at the boy, its red eyes turning gold. Regret passed across its face as it studied the young man. The black animal seemed to make a decision, then bit down on the shoulder of the boy with great care. The wolf continued to cry as it held the bite. After a few moments the wolf let go and gently set the young man in the snow.  The wolf then laid itself across the boy, apparently to warm the motionless kid. But nothing happened, and the wolf cried out again in despair. It just sat there, and soon sleep overcame its misery.

Heat melted the snow that covered the kid. The wind blew across the creature's fur but did not reach the boy. Warmth seeped into the still body. And life was reborn.

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Synthesis.
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Warmth.
-
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Weight.

My mind grasped consciousness with the greed of a starving man. Visions of life and death flew across my inner eye. Ancient thoughts coalesced; remnants of dreams long forgotten appeared; memories of a distant past glowed through darkness.

I don't want to die.
YOU SHOULD HATE ME.
I can help you.
I WANTED TO KILL YOU.

Nerves awoke, pain returned with a vengeance, and I screamed. I screamed with all my heart, might, mind, and soul. Agony unlike anything I had ever felt before coursed through my veins. I was injected with lava, acid and mercury by thousands of hot needles. My very soul filled with fire; all I could do was scream, so I screamed.

NOTHING CAN SAVE ME NOW.
I want to live.
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR!
I promise.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

Invisible hands punched, kicked, and tore at me. Scissors cut my skin, razors split my muscles, and torches were held underneath me. Convulsions ran up and down my spine. Forces unknown battled within my being, and a great swelling arose inside. Hunger reared its ugly head, and all I knew was greed. My lungs ached with envy for fresh air. My stomach clawed at itself ready to devour anything I shoved into it. Pain. Hunger. BREAK.

It's okay, don't worry 'bout me.
YOU'RE DEAD!
I'm just going for a walk.
I WANT TO KILL EVERYTHING!
Just a walk.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
I promise.
TELL ME, WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

Existence bended, twisted, and then broke. Thoughts were blasted into oblivion, memoires convulsed, and consciousness almost left me. Pain consumed me.

I WANT YOU TO SUFFER AS I HAVE!

A massive, pulsing energy filled my being. It spread all along my limbs, then up my chest, and finally my head. It pulled and stretched, ripped and shredded, then grew. It grew and grew till it occupied every part of me. My back arched and warped, lengthening. Whimpers of anguish escaped through my teeth.

YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP!

My jaw ached, my fingers split, and something was growing out of my back. Hot, red blood poured from my nose and ears as they strained and moved. Spasms rocked my existence. Heat radiated from my body, and my mind filled with liquid silver.

IS YOUR SUFFERING ABSOLUTE?
NO!

Hate overpowered hunger. How dare he try to kill me! I didn't do anything to him. HE attacked. He killed me. I HATE HIM! I'LL RIP HIM IN HALF. TORTURE HIM. MAKE HIM SUFFER!
Why? As I bathed in horror, I felt another presence within me. It embodied all of my natural instincts, became my hate, and urged me to kill. MURDER HIM, HE'S THE ONE WHO'LL BE DEAD.MAKE HIM BLEED!
No! I am in control! That other voice laughed at me. NO, I AM IN CONTROL. YOU ARE ME, AND I AM YOU!
NO, NO, NO! You are the monster within me. I will not listen to you! I made him a promise that if he let me live, I'd help him; I'd be there for him. YOU WILL LISTEN, BECAUSE WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME!

Angered at my own instincts, I stopped listening, stopped the voice. I threw it away to the dark reaches of nothing and left it there. I AM MY OWN MASTER. I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO MY BASER INTERESTS! I AM IN CONTROL.

I promised.
Then the pain stopped. I became suddenly aware of a great, heavy weight on top of me. Feeling constricted, I reached out with my hands to push it away......and felt warm fur. Acting out of reflex I threw it off me, tried to stand......
Then I opened my eyes.