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i can, i can try
to replace you with sugary tea,
but you were never that sweet
and couldn't blister my palm.

and besides, you preferred to have
a lemon slice and a kiss with your earl grey
and i've run out of both.


i can abandon rational thought
and capital letters
but i can't, i can't stop thinking
in drawn-out vowels.

but it's okay, it's okay.
i walked down a hill this morning
and didn't think of you once.
a bit of an experimental foray into the world of...something else.

not really sure what to do with this one!
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:iconcheramyn:
I think a teacher or someone told me a few years ago that the "point" of poetry was to express the inexpressible in as few words as possible. I'm not entirely sure if that is exactly the point of poetry, but I have always envied anyone with the ability to convey their meaning in a short piece like this. My poetry tends to ramble on considerably, and the shorter stuff I wrote when I was younger was dreadful!

I love the middle stanza, it seems so simple but is so well crafted; the short, sharp "a" sounds contrasting with the "drawn-out vowels." in meaning and actual sound. It's almost like breaking the poetic fourth wall, acknowledging how you're writing it. I'm usually not a fan of contractions (I'm thinking of, "i can't, i can't stop thinking") but it works well here, again with the sharpness of the stanza, and so do the lack of capital letters throughout. Like I say, I loved this stanza, it really made me smile.

This will sound very harsh and probably utterly cruel but when I read this poem I just want to lop off the first stanza. The final verse is touchingly desperate, I really like the repetition, "it's okay, it's okay", reflecting the previous stanza and giving us a sense of someone trying to reassure themselves as much as the person they're talking to. The final line is right, it gets to the heart of something - this poem has a real sense of trying to prove something despite the odds.

So the first stanza. It doesn't seem to fit with anything else at all; it isn't cleverly thought out or full of emotion and seems almost generic in it's concepts, "between sleeping and waking", "cold and dark and wishing for sunlight.". What I would love to see here instead of this sort of thing is some symmetry, perhaps something to do with the hill and the person you're not thinking of, or the rational thought you're abandoning a couple of lines later. This part of the poem feels so unnecessary to me because it relays such vague concepts...

Gosh, well, congratulations on writing this, I truly enjoyed reading and critiquing it :)
What do you think?
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:iconposhlost:
poshlost Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Might be better as prose?
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:iconwonderfulrachel:
wonderfulrachel Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2009
it was originally - i'm still toying round with it. who knows.

maybe it'll be prosetry.
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:iconinuzrule:
inuzrule Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2009
I quite like the raw emotion here...how you use repetition and left-off trains of thought. The form of the poem expresses the anguish of the speaker even more than the words do.


Brilliant work. :+fav:
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:iconwonderfulrachel:
wonderfulrachel Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2009
thanks so much! it's always lovely to know what people think in such detail :) really useful comment too!

and thankyou for the fave (:
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:iconinuzrule:
inuzrule Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2009
Not a problem. :D
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:iconforwinds:
forWinds Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
i walked down a hill this morning
and didn't think of you once.


I loovvee this line. :heart:
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:iconwonderfulrachel:
wonderfulrachel Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2009
that's my favourite tooo :)
i wrote the whole poem around those lines. (:
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:iconcarousel-dreams:
Carousel-Dreams Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2009
I really like this, nostalgia floats my boat and it is flying. :rose:
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:iconwonderfulrachel:
wonderfulrachel Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2009
mmm same! i swear everything i write is nostalgic in some form but that's okay, i can deal with that. i wallow in nostalgia. xD
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:iconcarousel-dreams:
Carousel-Dreams Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2009
Oh tell me about it, nostalgia and really abstract fondness for things have become my safe haven, not sure if it i a good thing. X)
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June 28, 2009
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