I had to put my service dog down. I miss her a lot.
Ah. I've not updated here in awhile. So yeah. Last we talked I was still in school. I graduated with honors, spent a year trying to get into grad school, finally got into Arizona State University into their PhD program working on a VB6 program with lots and lots and lots of lines. It's rather immense, the structure is insane as it's not object oriented and it should be. I might actually walk and try to start my own business making video games like I threatened to on an earlier journal a couple of years ago - I've got a group together and an engine coming together to do just that.
I've spent the night reflecting. I just actually went back and thumbed through a few old journals from over a decade ago, all the way back to 2006. I miss that energy. I certainly don't have it anymore, nor the faith that things will get better. If I try to make the move to graduate school, my back will give out. I can't tolerate the only medications that fight the depression from chronic injury that I'm certain - in 12+ years when I come back and reflect over this journal - will look small in comparison to an increasingly isolated, painful, and lonely life.
Watching everything age and become decrepit, realizing the truth behind everything fading including myself. It's a perspective I didn't have back when I first started here. I wish I could get rid of it. Unfortunately I was eager to grow up as are most human beings and now I regret it as I was told I would. Granted, how many people do you watch cancer eat alive before you realize that reality is grimdark with a thick veneer of colorful bullshit paved over it? How many of your dreams dangle right in front of your nose blocked by sheer physical pain so intense you can't sit still or stop sweating in an ice cold room before you realize things don't end nicely, here?
I guess being raped in July while on vacation to get a desperately needed breath of fresh air from incessant bad news didn't help my outlook on life, nor do the health problems plaguing family members making me wonder how many of them will be here when I pause and reflect on my history once more.
I wonder what questions I'll have for them then that I could ask now? I really want to know now. While I can. What do I need to ask them?
My endeavors elsewhere on the Internet have brought me an unfortunate depth of understanding - people are generally shitty to each other and all of the optimism in the world only gets you hurt.
Strike a steel against flint. The spark starts dim, grows bright, grows dim, and burns out again. Some sparks dim before others, but none of them burn forever and only a few leave a flame in the wake of their passing. Welcome to life. Stay bright as long as you can, start a metaphorical fire if you get the opportunity.