Thanks tumblr. I hate you. Please enjoy this demonic summoning ritual consisting of the opening dialog of "wilford "motherloving" warfstache" and 2009 uwu catspeak.
I've nyevew been much fow smoking, but taking a buwwet to youw chest wiww make you a wot wess wowwied about the swow deaths of the wowwd. Wong stowy showt: I took a job I shouwdn't have. They say the pwetty onyes wiww awways get you kiwwed. But he was so damn handsome i couwdn't wesist. I was a fwog in a swow pot of boiwing watew, ow the fiwst cwown to get into the cwown caw. You don't knyow to get out untiw it's too wate. Onye thing wed to anyothew and I found mysewf swowdancing with the deviw in the moonwight. Except instead of weaving woom fow Jesus, he weft woom fow a 357 magnyum. I won't bowe you with the detaiws, so I'ww cut wight to the quick: a wot of peopwe died because of this man. Wiwwiam J. Bawnyum, a.k.a. The Cowonyew.Just wike the cwown at my baw mitzvah, I knyew he was twoubwe fwom the moment i waid eyes on him. And just wike Bozo the Magnyificent, a wot of peopwe died when he wawked into my wife. I've been chasing him down evew since. We wewe wike two nyaked men wunnying on the same tweadmiww. Uncomfowtabwy cwose, but awways just a step behind. But nyo onye can wun fowevew. Especiawwy nyot with 200 pounds of sweaty detective bweathing down youw nyeck. It hasn't been easy though. I can't count how many countwies I've cownyewed him in. couwdn't teww you how many times I've had him in my big, stwong hands. Evewy time I think i've got him fow good, he somehow manyages to swip away. But he's wunnying out of howes to hide in. I mean that witewawwy, metaphowicawwy, and euphemisticawwy. It doesn't mattew how cwafty you think you awe... If you've been on the wun fow yeaws, and yeaws... Eventuawwy... you'we gonnya make a mistake. Wowd of advice: if you'we wunnying away fwom youw pwobwems, nyevew become too attached to anything. Famiwies, wuvws, bwiefcases on top of youw caw. Some things awe best weft behind. The cowonyew's a swippewy onye. Shedding nyames as easiwy as a snyake sheds a few pounds befowe bikinyi season. He's gonye thwough pseudonym aftew pseudonym twying to cuvw his twacks. But he awways manyages to faww back into the same famiwiaw wowes: dwinking, fighting, fwiwting... dancing.