Oh my god May is over, I lived! That month was particularly brutal this year. I had to throw myself into deep isolation and focus on work. Which is in itself a bit of a psychosis.
I always preach that when you get into this art industry you should 'do it for the money'. The next step is to be careful with what you spend your life doing in order to make it. I had a family friend (surrogate mother) asking me if I had original art to sell online. She'd recently surprised me with buying a small collection. It was at a time where we were desperate for money. I briefly talked to her about some art I had and that I'd message her as soon as I put it online. She told me she would keep checking back.
I'd been putting off uploading my personal, original art because in my mind I kept thinking, work, that's where the money comes from. Not doing what I love (what I want to be remembered by) but hard work on a project that's not exactly my cup of tea. Eventually I'd put my art online. I thought it was a bit strange that my friend wanted to start buying up my art out of nowhere. The point is, while I'm working my ass off at job-related things, it was apparent that my own personal art stood to make some money. ...if I could just get to it. It can wait though, because work has to get done, work comes first...
My friend, Yvonne, died the following day. I recall the last words she spoke to me, hours before passing. I'd told her I'd hoped she was doing well and she replied with, "Thanks, I am finally ok and moving on with life... take care, catch you later...
The next few weeks I did everything I could to travel back home to pay my respects. I couldn't leave because I had to work. During her wake I'd heard that a graduation ceremony was going on at my old college and my art professors were retiring. If I couldn't say goodbye to the dead at the very least I could say goodbye to the living. No, I couldn't leave work. It was maddening.
On the subject of mortality, my own birthday was coming up. Thankyou, by the way, for all the birthday wishes. It was really a surprise to see my DA account covered in wishes. It certainly made things easier. Because while I was missing out on life, friends, family, people dear to me due to work... That birthday was one last reminder that I'd spent another year... not living. I mean, what's the point of making money if you can't enjoy it. If you're working so much you can't even leave your house to go to a funeral. I might as well be a goddamn atm. Sadly I'm not even rich, I'm barely
getting by on a day to day basis. Boss man decides when to giveth and tax man taketh away.
Yet, I had
to keep working. It certainly made some people in my life happy, and supposedly there's a check on the way to make life "better". But this is not... This is not how I want to spend my life, haha "spend". Sitting in front of a computer everyday for the past three years, drawing stuff that anyone else can draw. I want to do what I do best. I want to be able to explore and express through art... not ghost art for someone else. That's probably a fine job, just not for me. I didn't learn these skills so I could just not use them.
*sigh* There, I've purged. This is probably only the surface but I can't keep holding shit like this in. The harder I repress whining about it, the more crazy, self-loathing, and intrusive thoughts I have. I can't afford the luxury of professional help so all I can do is write a journal about it. (which I'm probably going to want to delete asap but... meh *shrug) if anyone were to be offended I can apologize accordingly.
On the flipside there are a lot of good things coming THIS MONTH. We've got Count-I-Con and Beachfest. We've got loads of cool guests and events. You should check out the website in the link below to see who's coming. I think there might be some tables left but I'm not sure if it's officially a sold out show as I'm typing this. I'll follow up with a better entry about what projects I am working on and future announcements. (yknow the good stuff). Con Schedule
Round Lake Beach Cultural & Civic Center
June 21-22, 2014Lake Count-I-Con
Round Lake Beach Cultural & Civic Center
June 28-29, 2014