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Muslim Manga Month 4 - Page7

By Wilpan
Submit for MMM contest in :iconmuslim-manga: month 4
Really bad in English dialogue, need more critique

Detail
Tittle : Ima
Episode : Hijab
Page : 7 of 8

Cover : [link]
Page1 : [link]
Page2 : [link]
Page3 : [link]
Page4 : [link]
Page5 : [link]
Page6 : [link]
Page7 : [link]
Page8 : [link]
Image details
Image size
900x1269px 484.54 KB
Published:
© 2009 - 2021 Wilpan
Comments10
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Lianthanis's avatar
So ... for this you already have all the help/ correction you need :)
Wilpan's avatar
haha,
thanks alot :hug:
Lianthanis's avatar
*smiles* Sure :) And as I said ... really nice manga :)
Wilpan's avatar
many thanks, but in this time i'm so sorry, i haven't time for answer your interesting question about muslim in this manga..
cause now i must go to work at my office, haha..
hope we can be a great friend :D

i promise will answer as soon as possible :hug:
Lianthanis's avatar
*smiles* you're very welcome :)

Please take your time and have a good day at your office - I'll be off to work soon, too ;)
Lianthanis's avatar
I'm not muslim, but I really liked your manga :)

It's nice to see something about religion that's supportive and peaceful :)
Wilpan's avatar
Lianthanis's avatar
Hey, I was looking at your gallery and saw this. I know it's not the first month, but I like it, with the simplicity of the two women on the white background.

You said you needed more critique with the English, so is it okay if I make some suggestions? :)

In the first panel on the left, the phrase "I must fight with my dad's stubborn" is not clear. "Stubborn" is an adjective, and you're using it as a noun. I'm not sure what you mean, but you might try replacing it with "stubbornness" or "obstinacy."

Next, "please receive this" would sound more natural as "please take this." Also, "will supporting" is incorrect. It should be "will support."

When you say, "So thank you," I believe you mean "Thank you so much."

Now, this sentence "Yeah, I wanna look that hijab on your head if I meet you the other day" is very awkward. I THINK this is more what you're going for: "Yeah, I wanna SEE that hijab ON your head if I meet you ANOTHER day." Or, "if I meet you another day" could even become "the next time I see you" if you want to sound even more natural.

Lastly, "wish we can chat again" should be "hope we can chat again."

Sorry for the long critique. I proofread my friends' essays all the time, and I just thought I'd help with your English a little. :)
Wilpan's avatar
wooaaa~
what kind of you!! :omg:

thank you~
i will correct it soon..
:dance:

i really appreciated with your critique, :hug:
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