So for the 3 people that read this, I'm "fine". Not in danger. But there's this anime that got me thinking. There's this anime called Maria the Virgin Witch, and in the first couple of episodes I got all I could take. See, a little backstory is I've got issues with the celestial upper management in most religions. I was raised a Christian but after every day seeing my parents struggle and struggle and never see any of their goals realized, never catching a break... I mean, my situation is largely because I screwed myself over due to massive mistakes going from high school into college, but with both of them, they were damned from the beginning. Can't go into that because it's not my story to tell, but they've had it rough.
I digress. In short, over the course of my life my faith has been reduced to shreds- I believe there is a higher power out there that created this world, yes. But no omnipotent one, certainly not. This one created earth, realized Humanity would spend its entire stay in existence ripping itself to shreds and giving itself hell, and turned around to leave. That's my present state. I see no miracles, only believable coincidences that fail to bend or break established princibles of physics.
What I do see, and what this anime reminded me of, was that countless people pray for various religions, believing their god(s) not only watch over them but protect them in the remotest sense. See, I beg to differ. From the basic structure of how life works to how humans have and continue to treat each other, there's no reason for me to believe that any form of divinity is still watching over us.
If there is an afterlife filled with either endless, infinite bliss, why bother with the middle stage where every living thing has to end the lives of other living things several times a day to continue living without discomfort? Why was life designed so that everything born into the world has the ability to love others, but also has the built-in need to end the lives of others in order to continue existing? To absolutely require that we need to make others suffer on a biological level... why? Because that's how physics works? If the divine creator you worship truly was omnipotent, then that entity could DEFINE physics.
If the divine had any sort of plan, why develop the plan based around a race that inherently has animalistic instincts and natures built-in? Why make it so that it's so easy to hate, easy to wish pain on others when we are inconvenienced. If we were truly created with a plan or purpose in mind, such as to attain a good character, why give us that trial in the first place? Why create life only to sort it out between good and bad, when one supposedly had the ability to make it good in the FIRST place?
Why is suffering so widespread? Greed creates the impoverished, lust the rape victims, wrath the murder victims, pride creates divides between the same species just to make the prideful feel better, envy- born of systems created by man which spawn inequality in the first place - creates needless conflict often between those who are just trying to enjoy their existence. Sloth and gluttony rarely effect others for the most part.
In Maria, the MC is simply trying to stop conflicts from arrising in her area because she hates to see suffering, even if others consider her a heretic. But when she steps in, angels say that by using magic to bend the rules of the world in order to stop things that occur naturally- even if it's simply to prevent or ease the suffering of those around her - damages the order that the divines created for this world. That's what got me wondering. Why create a system that breeds suffering and defend it? Why neglect the prayers for peace and happiness of those you create saying that what they prey for is against the natural order but then turn around and damn others for succumbing to the temptation and pre-determined suffering the divine put humans through? Why create a system that breeds discontent and anger and then point fingers at those who get angry, saying they should have fixed a problem that realistically cannot be fixed unless absolutely no suffering takes place- a situation that could have been if the system created by the divine wasn't hell-bent on breeding that very suffering?
I'm sitting here watching the MC get threatened with death for trying to prevent death and suffering while those who created the world and all its systems of suffering are fine with neglecting those who beg them for peace and happiness?
Turning my eyes to the real world, my only answer is that Earth was a failure, and instead of simply erasing it and starting anew, it was left here to breed nearly endless suffering and pain and madness and hate, left to see what happens in such a broken system. Will the creations balance their world out such that systems are bent towards not spreading suffering, but allowing all to live comfortably- or will they continue to be the failures they were created to be, unable to rise above a system that, at it's core, necessitates suffering?
Believe me, if that outlook on life isn't depressing, I dunno what is. But at this juncture, having refused to believe that reality was born from an explosion of nothing and instead was created by a higher power- if not an omnipotent one=and yes, I do still fully recognize that something coming from nothing is no less ridiculous than believing something created everything without that something... ever... been explained as to how it exists either...
But while my depressing belief doesn't explain how the divine can exist without being created, I do believe it explains how such complex and carefully measured systems were made, let alone life forms as diverse and complex as those found on our planet alone.
In short, I believe that god is less an almighty one and more a being with incredible power but capable of mistakes- one who made our universe, realized it was a mistake and, not wanting to actually put forth the effort to fix it, simply turned their back on it and moved on towards greater pursuits. What's left is a world where the good people spend their time hoping a higher power will help them fix what's wrong with those of its own species while the bad don't care what happens to others (or relish in other's misfortune) so long as they enjoy their lives, and the mediocre struggle to enjoy their lives while caught in the ever-present war between the ever-switching sides of the good and the bad, the lawful and corrupt, the "race/place of origin A" and "race/place of origin B", etc.
And how I hate it.