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Twilight

a.
A book series written by Stephenie Meyer that has captured the heart of gazillions of teenaged girls around the world. It is centered around the romance between Isabella Swan, the awkward new girl in school, and Edward Cullen, a gorgeous vampire. The worst book ever written, and a waste of time to read. Time is rather offended that people keep wasting it on such frivolous tripe. The writing is bad, clichéd, and makes absolutely no sense.

Considered the epitome of romance despite the pedophilia, abuse, and impregnation of a minor. That just screams sexy.

Ex.

"Have you read Breaking Dawn?"
"No."
"Omg it is like the sexiest thing since sex!"
"O rly?"
"YAH! Bella, like, gets pregnant! By her 107 year old reanimated corpse BF! It's so sweet!"
"Is the baby cute?"
"Yes! Well, once it's born. She's like the prettiest thing since pretty. But before that she like is so strong she almost kills Bella! That part was saaaad."
"But so sexy."
"Hot damn yeah!"


b.
A book that hits every single teenage cliché ever invented

Cliché #1:
The new girl in school who is awkward and clumsy and terrible at everything.

Cliché #2:
The new girl falling in love with the hottest guy in school.

Cliché #3:
Despite the new girl's awkwardness and plain looks, the hottest guy in school falls in love with her.

Cliché #4:
The new girl is hopelessly in love with the hottest guy in school to the point where you want to slap her because she will do everything and anything the hottest guy in school will tell her to do just for him.

Cliché #5:
The vampire, despite his love for the new girl, thirsts for her blood and struggles to control his bloodlust. (see Interview With A Vampire, Louis for stolen material)

Cliché #6:
The vampire is a good vampire who doesn't want to hurt humans, so he feeds off of animals instead  (again, see Interview With A Vampire, Louis for stolen material)

Cliché #7:
The vampire thinks he's a monster and that the new girl should stay away from him if she values her life, but of course the new girl risks her life to be with him. (once more, see  Interview With A Vampire; Louis, Claudia for stolen material)

Cliché #8:
The new girl would rather die than not be with the vampire

c.
The story has no plot.

d.
High school freshmen write better

There is no figurative language. The descriptions consist of the same words (smoldering, marble, granite, marble/granite Adonis, seraphic, ice cold, pale white, use to describe the only thing the author actually describes, which is Edward's appearance)

Every other sentence is talking about his (marble) arms or (seraphic) smile or (marble Adonis) face or (smoldering) eyes or (pale white) skin.

e.
There are good reasons people write dreams in dream journals and do not publish them as novels. Dreams often do not make sense. You don't see Cousin Joe writing up 450 pages of green unicorns carrying buckets of candy corn through the fountain with aliens riding the clamshells.

f.
There really is nothing original about this book. The author has failed to bring any new ideas to the pool of literature. (see Interview With a Vampire; anything written by Anne Rice; anything ever written about vampires for stolen material)

g.
Annoying fans

"OMG! Twilight is the best book in the world! I absolutely heart Edward! He's totally mine!"

"No! He's mine! I read the book first! So he's mine first!"

"We'll split him in half and share him!"
please link back to this page (or my main page) if you use

Just to save everyone a little time, TWILIGHT SERIES IS COPYRIGHT STPEHENIE MEYER AND LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY.


I'm really a nice person.


















Really
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwartortle24601:
Wartortle24601 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014
urgh... I would rather read a story made by a four year old to this kind of *swear word*
Reply
:iconfaxhinnyeggy:
faxhinnyeggy Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013   General Artist
..... so faving this.
Reply
:icon1951-vamphollow:
1951-VampHollow Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
I think letter e was very funny. particularly the last sentence.
Plus, my dreams are weird if I remember them.

While I read it, I disliked it. Donno why mom suggested me to read it. After that, I made fun of it in my head when I read it again. Definitely not my romance novel.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student Writer
I like to pretend it doesn't exist.
Reply
:icon1951-vamphollow:
1951-VampHollow Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
haha, good one. :D

Just to clarify, "it" is Twilight that you like to pretend it doesn't exist?
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student Writer
yes. also justin bieber.
Reply
:icon1951-vamphollow:
1951-VampHollow Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
I never even listen to his songs. After hearing stuff about him, makes me want to hear him less. Plus, I have my own fave songs.
Reply
:iconmusic-and-things:
Music-and-Things Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011
As a hopeful writer I am honestly offended by Twilight. Stephanie Meyer has given all fiction authors a bad name. She has also broken one of the main rules in writing. She modeled the main character after herself. It's just... just ... wrong.
Reply
:icontoaster-omlette:
Toaster-Omlette Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This thing consists of win.

I re-read the books (out of boredom). Then I went and read some of the stuff I wrote, and some of the stuff my friends wrote. My conclusion: my friends and I win hands down.

I go to the movies for the sole purpose of laughing my head off at them. New Moon was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. :D Indeed.

On the plus side, I've just finished reading a REAL vampire novel, the ever-famous Dracula. Huzzah. :lmao:
Reply
:iconmoon17walker:
moon17walker Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
a better vampire book in my opinion is vampire accademy. the main charector can defend herself, vampires are what they are and not sparkle fairies and disco balls, the women aren't sluts, the men aren't total dooche bags, it's not written by myer and not based off a dream, AND IT HAS A REAL PLOT LINE!!!

what i'm saying is this, twilight killed vampires, vampire accademy brought them back.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Student Writer
I think mainstream media killed vampires, end of story. They're on their way to dying out from popularity, but it'll be a few good long years before they can be genuinely *awesome* again
Reply
:iconbeautiful-moon:
beautiful-moon Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
See, it was funny at first, cuz even though i like twilight, i can understand why ppl dont, its obviously not the best book out there, and though i think she didnt mean to copy its still unoriginal. i mean...a bad guy who wants to be good, more than just anne rice have used that, its kind of a basic plot. so yeah, not many points for creativity, but arent most romance novels like that? like the whole 'she hates him then loves him' plots? But you know i dont mind your stance, i dont mind your saying your views, it was a funny post. But reading your comments, i really think your just doing it SO people respond negatively, you obviously wanted those reactions so you could argue. State your views to state your views, not just to get a response and be negative. No need to be rude and diss ppl just for liking twilight, cuz thats the same thing as them dissing you just because you dont. right?
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Student Writer
well I certainly didn't do it for shits and giggles

oh wait no I did
Reply
:iconnaru-saku-club:
naru-saku-club Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2010
LOLZ XDDDDDD

:iconfreeinternetplz:
Reply
:icontheonewhocanfly:
theonewhocanfly Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2010  Professional Writer
i LOVE interview with a vampire. Louie was a REAL vampire, unlike Edward, whom is too busy sparkling for his girlfriend rather than killing people for their blood.
Reply
:iconuniversalcookie:
UniversalCookie Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010
Mmm, Louie...
Reply
:iconbloodzest:
BloodZest Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
i read up to half way of book 3 because my dang friends wouldnt leave me alone till i read it and then it became popular... i was like "i was forced leave me alone" and i could feel my brain hurting with every page... x.x point is, twilight was hurtting my brain X.X but this is soo funny haha XD
Reply
:iconsonicwolvelina99:
SonicWolvelina99 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010  Student Digital Artist
This is so true. I am proud that I hate Twilight. :iconclapplz:
Reply
:iconguidingspirit:
GuidingSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2010
Ive never seen or read Twilight because I hate it that much. My sister has a signed copy of the book(#1) but hates the series(she was told it was good so she read and hated it) and she's hoping she can sell it for a good amount of cash.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010  Student Writer
she could sell it for even more if she claimed it was trampled at that event in san francisco where rob pattinson was due to show up and people almost rioted at the store... just step on it a few times!
Reply
:iconguidingspirit:
GuidingSpirit Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2010
nice idea!! :)
Reply
:iconroo-tails:
Roo-Tails Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010
I love this.
I hate Twilight with a passion. (Though, admittedly, I do seem to dislike most crazes.) I now feel the need to print this out and show it to my Twilight-crazed friends, if I have your permission. :)
Thanks so much for this definition!
Reply
:iconoorusevenfiibaa7777:
OorusevenFiibaa7777 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:rofl: That's hilarious and all too true. Epic win.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2010  Student Writer
Now if only everyone else in the whole world could be convinced of its truthfulness, I would die happy
Reply
:iconoorusevenfiibaa7777:
OorusevenFiibaa7777 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:nod: Me too
Reply
:iconrosefox101:
RoseFox101 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2010  Student General Artist
i know what your geting at. the series washard 2 put down, but only because everything is ether centered around sex, danger, or both. mostly both. edward is so gay he doesn't even deserve to have his name capitalized. and what does that make bella? a clingy, pitiful, winey, uniteligent, ugly, depresing emo. mean really, an emo girl in my class is happyer then that! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! now i'm all worked up.....

wish Jasper really did suck all her blood. om nom nom...
*grin at scary/evil/hilarious fanasy*
Reply
:iconfreakkatt:
FREAKKATT Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, and hope the book writing comes along well ^^. I'm sure anyone can surpass Twilight. I as a MIDDLE SCHOOLER can surpass Twilight.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Student Writer
I've definitely seen fifth graders write better
Reply
:iconfreakkatt:
FREAKKATT Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yup. And I for one don't rape the thesauras ;P
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Student Writer
:thumbsup:
Reply
:iconfreakkatt:
FREAKKATT Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Omg fok u u dont no wut teh hel u r talki ng bout twilight edwad sexy
Ha ha how are my fangirl mimicing skills coming along there? Thankyou for putting this definition of Twilight up :hug:
Reply
:icongrey-daydreams:
grey-daydreams Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2010
Best thing, and truest thing, I've ever read.
I mean this, not Twilight. Nooo, Twilight was the worst. XDD

I'm jealous of all your hate mail. Twiturd hate mail makes me happy, because they're all so CRAZY.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2010  Student Writer
It does tend to be rather entertaining
Reply
:iconm1nts:
M1nts Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
I like this. A lot.

"f.
There really is nothing original about this book. The author has failed to bring any new ideas to the pool of literature. (see Interview With a Vampire; anything written by Anne Rice; anything ever written about vampires for stolen material)"

Well, they sparkle. :onfire:


Ever heard of Twilightsucks.com? Despite it's not-so-professional sounding name, the forum section of the website is pretty damn hilarious. I suggest you take a look. :D
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009  Student Writer
I love that website so much
Reply
:iconoublietteanonymous:
OublietteAnonymous Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2009
This just made my day. Brilliant.
Reply
:iconsirenaquroya:
SirenAquroya Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009
faved for epic win.
Reply
:iconxxpreludexx:
xXPreludeXx Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2009
I've seen better romance in THE MOTHER-FUCKING TRANSFORMERS CARTOONS!!!!!
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2009  Student Writer
and in books you can buy at the grocery store
Reply
:iconxxpreludexx:
xXPreludeXx Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2009
And on the Hallmark channel movies.
Reply
:iconkaiofarrows:
KaiOfArrows Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2009
I agree with this entirely and for anyone who doesn't ...OFF MY PLANET!
Reply
:iconohemgeeitstory:
ohemgeeitstory Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
twilight sucks.
you are a god for speaking the truth,
and personally twitards are just as bad as crackheads and need to be locked in a mental institution. or we should just call Buffy the vampire slayer :)
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2009  Student Writer
:thumbsup:
Reply
:iconohemgeeitstory:
ohemgeeitstory Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
lol
Reply
:iconlaurenke:
Laurenke Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2009
Real vampires burn in sunlight not glitter :frustrated: I mean come on, the books got worse with each passing page.

Thank you so much for the great story, you're too right.
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2009  Student Writer
:bow:
Reply
:iconlaurenke:
Laurenke Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2009
yes, bow all you like, you deserve it

*pokes*
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009  Student Writer
:clap:
Reply
:iconfalling-into-blue:
Falling-Into-Blue Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2009
... This needs to be added to the dictionary!
Reply
:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
Wilhelmina-vanRoyen Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2009  Student Writer
indeed, I have done this already
Reply
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