Journal Entry: Fri Nov 30, 2018, 8:06 PM
Been sparse.... been depressed and trapped in it.
It's hard work. I'm just going through life, pretending it's all good for the rest of the world. I'm going to therapy, talking about how I can't even know what I feel because to me, I feel NOTHING. I'm not sure if I'm happy - I say it, I tell myself SURE, I'm happy. I'm usually at work or in class, living, doing something.
But it's like wearing a coat. It's not quite on, It's not attached right. Nothing is RIGHT. IT"S WRONG DAMNIT. I'm just... empty. I'm just anxious all the time, apparently but even that I shove down and away and ignore. Cause that's what I do, I ignore all of my feelings. They're not there, I tell myself. If I don't acknowledge them, they're not there.
I mean, I can't show them to people. Not like anyone cares, right? I should care but I don't. I NEED to care, I understand this. I've known this since I was an older teen but when you're a young kid taught that you're just not important and nothing you do matters and you're just plain worthless and you just should disappear...
Yea. I don't want to bother people. I hide my emotions. No one wants to see them. No one cares, anyways. I need to.. I really need to. It's destroying me more and more and I can't take it anymore. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate my existence.
Going to try meditation, to find mindfulness. To find myself in the here and now. To help myself to not be anxious so much. It just seems that's all that I am. Or angry. or sad. The only three actual emotions I actually can identify feeling. I need to face myself, to accept myself.
But that's something that like a mountain I can't face. I can't even look in the mirror to see my reflection. I'm not even ugly, I'm just plain... yet I'm hideous to myself.
Keep trying. Keep trying. But sometimes it just seems like I'm lost and afraid. I can't take some days and I can't take all this pretending. Why is it that I'm sensitive enough to sense other people when they're low and upset but I'm left alone until it's too late? Why is it that I can't see myself falling off the deep end but everyone else can and they just LET ME? NO ONE REACHES OUT? THEY COMPLAIN BUT THEY DON'T HELP?
…...my life fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate it all so much.
Listening to: Television
Watching: The Simpsons