It starts instantly and most innocently. You will see them across the room, at the end of the hall and all you can focus on is them. You don't notice how they look, or the way that they only tuck half their hair behind their ear, no, all you see is them. Their actions, and the way others around them respond to them.
In the beginning you don't even notice a physical attraction, all you have is questions that plague your mind. You want to reach out with every particle of your body, they confuse and intrigue you all at the same time, turning your mind over itself again and again. As your desire for knowledge of them is slowly satiated you find yourself wanting to know more, the smaller details that never really matter or count for anything.
You finally start to see the little physical things; yes they do indeed only tuck half their hair away, and the fact that they always wear that pendant. You want to quiz them on their physical appearance, you want to know why they do this, or why they like doing that.
Then like a wave lapping at your feet it comes to you, this isn't just some one you want to be friends with, what you feel for them goes much deeper. Without realising you start to see them with you in your future dreams, which at first confuses you, but then as it happens more and more you begin to grow fond of these small imaginings.
You start your day with thoughts of them, you plan that day just so you can see them without seeming obvious or clingy. They become a craving. You want to see them, hear them, touch them.
All of a sudden, you can't work out why but when you think of them your stomach knots. Your mind is constantly ticking over the hundreds of things you want to ask them, the thousands of things you want to say. You forget hunger and thirst as they occupy your mind. Your craving to be near them turns into an insanely strong urge to hold them. Just to sit, not saying anything, just holding them close to you.
You know that nothing that can be heard or seen will do justice for the way you feel for them. You find yourself searching, in vain for objects or words to show them how much they mean to you. You want to share all that you know, all that has made you with them. You want to give them your all and everything. You become proud of them in every way, even if it's the fact that they can cry so freely.
You finally feel the words you were searching for, the only way you can show how you feel. With these words come what needs to be seen, the two go together and can never be pulled apart. You find yourself one night staring at your ceiling, twisting your tongue around the words, feeling them vibrate in your mouth, sending tingles down your spine as the truth behind them reverberates through your body. Then it happens.
One day you find yourself staring at them, taking in every part, every knowledge of them, the good and the bad. They catch your eye and you're staring into their eyes. The words flood from your mouth free and as strong as the wind. "I love you" comes a voice both physical and mental, along with an intense gaze that can tell no lies.
This is what I believe happens after it's over, both painful and beautiful..
There will come a time when you believe you are over it, and you will no longer feel sad when you look back upon 'us'.
These thoughts are only there to fool, there is no such time or place when you can look back on some one or something and not wish for the time when that still existed. These thoughts are for the fools.
Some become adventurous and see how far they can stretch their hearts without hurting them. These thoughts are for the fools.
Even when you think of them, talk to them, see them; the old emotions come flooding back, yet you know you don't want it back because one part of the pair wasn't completely happy, and for only one to be happy is not enough. These thoughts are for those who have been the fools.
There is a time when you look back upon things that you have had with others with a smile, not a frown or tear, but a smile. This only happens when that person is gone, when all that is left of them is memory, nothing physical, for physicality hurts. These thoughts are from the fools, the fools for the heart. The fools in pursuit of happiness, the fools for love.
Some days you will wake up not knowing if it were a dream, the beginning or the end. Did they ever exist? Did I dream it last night?
Other days you will wake up knowing exactly what happened and wish that the other no longer existed. Then you see them with another and it all changes again. Your heart is taken unduly from your chest, ripped through a tiny hole by some invisible thread and you take a minute to react to what you've seen. Their face, smiling. It hurts because last time you saw them with that same embarrassed, yet happy smile was when you said something...
But this time it's not you saying it. You see it as clear as day, you remember it always. The world disappears, the sounds of the world mix into silence, all you can see is them, all you can hear is their laugh. Your breath becomes short and it's difficult to concentrate on why you were there, then they spot you, that person you once loved. They see you and they look happy to see you, yet inside, behind their eyes you know that they don't want you going any where near them because you know, the closer you become to someone you once loved, the more difficult it becomes to forget and heal.
The heart mends itself but it needs oxygen to do so.
You move forward to hug them. Nothing in the embrace has changed, everything is the same and to you it hurts, just that little bit more 'Was I ever more than a friend? Or has she forgotten about our past? Has she forgotten how much it hurt?'
I will walk with you tonight along the beach with the shinning sands of shattered dreams and hearts.