I think I might be going insane. Like...legitimately insane.
To put things in perspective, I don’t...live a...normal life exactly...at least, not what I infer to be normal. At this point I’m not sure I even know what normality is, but I most certainly have not had it for quite some time. Over half the last decade I’ve lived in various different...not-acceptable conditions. I’ve had my computer area turn into a pond during a storm. I’ve slept through below 0 degree settings with nothing but a thin blanket over me and a dog on my feet. I’ve woken up with mice on me. Numerous times. I’ve spent months without running water. I’ve had to sneak around with the power out while someone had broken into the house. And bit by bit I have just become...nothing. Just a shell that does...things. As the years’ve gone by I’ve just become so numb that I accept anything that happens. ANYTHING. Just...I don’t care what happens to me. I do not. At all. I could see that I’m about to DIE and I probably wouldn’t be bothered by this point.
And I don’t want to be like that. But literally my existence is JUST existing by now. I exist to work. And that is IT. Nothing else. If I’m not at work in that dull refridgerator-making factory I’m at home working on stuff to put on the internet. On breaks at work I work on stuff to put on the internet. When I lay down in bed I think of stuff to make. When I’m typing this I’m thinking of what comes next in my comics. And that is ALL that I do. That takes up my entire life. And it’s not like I make money off of it, it’s just that creating this shit is what I feel I NEED to do. If I had the lottery then yeah, I could afford to relax. But I don’t. I have a factory job that takes up the majority of my time, so every waking second that I’m not there is spent on this. And then I get so worn out when I do the digital stuff because of how long I’ve been staring at the computer screen. Me constantly making things got so bad about three weeks ago that I couldn’t go to work with how exhausted I was. I was literally falling asleep two hours before work driving my dad and brother to the Chinese Resturaunt in the next town over.
But that didn’t matter. Because I need to keep making crap. Damn the sleep. Damn the job. I had stuff that I had to work on. Because it’s never going to be enough. I’ll die long before I can get even a fraction of what I want to out at this point. But I gotta go to work so I can get money otherwise nothing will end up getting made. I doubt I’ll ever even be able to be with anyone with how I’ve become. Just some...thing that...makes stuff. And I don’t want it to be that way, but I feel that’s how it’ll have to be.
And I’d been thinking I’ve been going crazy for years now. No way to know of course. A crazy person wouldn’t even really be able to determine that anyhow. But last night was when I solidified the belief. Ya see there’s this convenience store called Kum and Go that my dad works at. Now they tore down his one for remodeling so he got moved to some other one 70 miles away, and he REALLY wanted to go to a Kum and Go so he asked if we could go. We take my car, listen to The Gorillaz’s new album, and get there. Talk about how great it is that I have my own car now and how nice and pleasant it is and then BAM. On the way back, a deer jumps out in front of us.
Now a normal person would obviously be like “OH SHIT!”. But me? Me? Ha. Haha...ha...yeah, my body “instinctively” jumped when it saw it, but that was it. My mind was like “oh, we’re gonna hit that deer...ya know I REALLY need to get more work done on that picture I’ve been doing-” BDMP! It hits the hood of the car, bounces onto the roof, and we hear these loud thuds for a few seconds and then a loud CRASH as the back window shatters. I was hardly even paying attention. I knew what was going on, it was obvious what was going on. But my mind...didn’t...care... Eventually I came to a stop when dad goaded me to do so and we got out and looked around. Left headlight missing and all that. Car still ran just fine but the hood was all messed up and there was glass everywhere (and nobody in town will even try to work on it. They just look at it and go “oh it’s totaled” (so I’m gonna just try ordering a hood and light and replacing shit myself)).
But...I wasn’t...phased...at all...no worry or anything. No excitement. Nothing. When I was back in the car and dad was asking if I was alright and everything I was just like “yeah I’m fine...oh guess I should turn the air off, we got a nice breeze comin’ through now”.
I...I just...I don’t know...am I crazy? I...really don’t know anymore...