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:iconwaltz-with-me:
Hey there! I noticed some things about this song I thought I could help you improve, so I figured I'd write you a little critique.

Because this is a song and not a poem, I won't comment on the repetition, though I normally would. :aww: I've never critiqued a song before and know that things are much different with music, so take everything with a grain of salt.

First off, I read some other songs of yours and noticed that you were very good with not forcing rhyme - there were a few instances in this song where the syntax was stilted and the rhythm off. For instance, "not subject unto the lies" feels very stiff and formal compared with the lax, colloquial feel of the rest of your lines. I wouldn't sacrifice good, uniform lyrics for rhyme. Even if it changes your message a little bit, try to find a different line that isn't awkward and still fits the feel of the song, you know?

With the line "cutting it all down to size," this might just be me, but I feel like it could use an adjective to specify WHAT size, exactly. What dimensions, what kind, how it relates to what you're talking about - just something more concrete. You have really awesome adjectives like "crackly" and nouns like "rings" which are both very specific and then this kind of vague notion...

Next awkward line is in the chorus. "Wanting nothing more than to stay asleep." "Knowing that it's not for you that you weep." Wow! Those're a lot of words to say something pretty simple. Even if it's what fits the music best, I'd still suggest working the lyrics so it's not so awkward - even if it means altering the meaning of the line just a bit.

I really like the image of painting "a dream into them." That's lovely. :aww:

"It wasn't for I
But eye and eye
Are in the sky
It wasn't for you
But you know it true
So deeply blue"


The imagery in this stanza seems cliché to me, and doesn't strike me as having any really deep meaning, either. Not that it's bad, I think it just needs a second thought, you know? "eye and eye/are in the sky" -- what are you trying to say there? Is there a clearer way to say it, with more interesting rhymes? "you know it true/so deeply blue" -- true blue. Heard it before. Come up with something exciting!

Then the same wonky syntax is repeated at the end with "you weep not for you." Hopefully if you rework "it's not for you that you weep" you can easily fit something in for the last three lines, too!

One last thing before I end this nitpicking - in future songs (I understand it's difficult), try using more interesting rhyme choices. It's easy and predictable to use eyes/skies or true/blue, but always more exciting and striking to the reader when you use a slant rhyme or word they might have never thought to pair. Try getting a rhyming dictionary for some experiments - they're awesome!

So, good work, and I look forward to seeing more songs from you! I hope I helped a bit. :aww:
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconiconic-johnny:
iconic-johnny Featured By Owner May 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the critique! :aww:

I don't know if I'll change this particular piece, as it's sat too long as it is, but I'll take your advice into account. :handshake:
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:iconwaltz-with-me:
Waltz-With-Me Featured By Owner May 23, 2009
You're quite welcome!

Sometimes letting it sit is the best thing to do before editing - so maybe give it a chance? If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to the original. :aww:
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:iconiconic-johnny:
iconic-johnny Featured By Owner May 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Alright, I'll see if I can't think of something. :aww:

Your critique will definitely help, I've been waiting so long for someone to actually say something about one of my pieces.
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:iconwaltz-with-me:
Waltz-With-Me Featured By Owner May 23, 2009
Great! Good luck!

I feel that way all the time, so I definitely understand. Tell you what, if you ever have a piece that you really want some good constructive criticism on, drop me a line and I'll be sure to take a look, okay? :aww:
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:iconiconic-johnny:
iconic-johnny Featured By Owner May 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Alright! Thank you very much! :aww:

I'll be keeping an eye on your work as well, though I generally don't give critiques and my comments are lame. :XD:
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:iconwaltz-with-me:
Waltz-With-Me Featured By Owner May 23, 2009
I'll remember that, so whatever comment you do leave I'll look at it and go, "Oh, she's a sweetheart - that must be totally genuine" and it'll mean just as much as a kick-ass comment. Sound good? :D
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:iconiconic-johnny:
iconic-johnny Featured By Owner May 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I suppose, but I should probably try more meaningful comments from now on. :D
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:iconwaltz-with-me:
Waltz-With-Me Featured By Owner May 23, 2009
I offer myself up as the cross on which to crucify your meaningful comments (and subsequently yourself, bahaha). Good luck. ;)
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