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By Waltz-With-Me   |   Watch
6 8 281 (1 Today)
Published: May 28, 2009
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© 2009 - 2019 Waltz-With-Me
To those of you who saw the previous ending: I took it out for =bekkia's story contest, but I AM thinking of another way to end it than just obliterating my old idea. :D

The end seems so melodramatic. I want it to be affecting, obviously, and it is dramatic, but I don't want it over the top.

What do you think? Your feedback's super appreciated. :D

Part One - [link]
Part Two - [link]
Part Three - [link]
Part Four - [link]
anonymous's avatar
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Comments (8)
kylarynn's avatar
Is that seriously -THE- end? :omg:

It's so... Sa~d. Terrific story though, even if it didn't have the ending I had hoped for.
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Waltz-With-Me's avatar
Yep, wish it wasn't, but I couldn't make it any other way. *sniffle*

Thanks. :aww: Glad you liked it, even if it's a tear-jerker. (Sorry 'bout that.)
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kylarynn's avatar
Write another story with a HAPPY ending, lol. :D
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Waltz-With-Me's avatar
I write plenty with happy endings, don't worry. :aww: If you like romance, you might like my story "Tire Swing." Just a suggestion. :D
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A-Hitchhiker's avatar
congrats on the contest, it was a great story, but how did the other end go?
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Waltz-With-Me's avatar
Ah, the other end. Basically I tried to get across that the Vietnam War affected many people, not just Lewis and Jennifer, so I had a man at the end talk about his comatose wife who had been a front-lines nurse and how she'd never wake up. But I didn't tie it in quite right and it just took away from the impact at the end. So until I go in for a major edit, I just took it out. :aww:

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D
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poshlost's avatar
poshlost|Hobbyist Writer
I agree with ThornyEnglishRose. Also, this bit about the mother further reinforces my point that her character/relationship should really be reassessed. I don't think it's a good idea to close a story/novel with new characters, ever, and I know it's a completely aesthetic reason, which I generally don't use, but it does ruin the flow and people are going to be like wtf.

Most people don't realize how difficult first person narrative is, but you have done a good job here. A great job even. Are you planning on putting this out as a novel?

PS Your website is fantastic.
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Ahavati's avatar
Ahavati|Professional General Artist
I definitely think the critique is fair.

It's a wonderful but sad story for me because of my father's tours in Nam. When you polish this up you need to definitely submit it to Bekkia's Story Contest. I don't have the link but the details are in my journal entry.

Great job.
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