ARIES (March 21 - April 19):
Child rapists tend not to do too particularly well in prison. Just consider this a friendly warning.
TAURUS (April 20 - May20):
Both of your parents will be killed this month in a robbery homicide. In a fit of vengeance lasting several years, you will hone your mind and body to become the ultimate crime fighting machine. First night out, you will trip and fall off the side of a tall building and plunge to your death. Way to go Batman.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):
Quit fucking with those panda remains! They must be black and decayed by now and the smell must be atrocious.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22):
We get i