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would you give me your december?
i am holding out my frail plywood wrists
and begging you for something
too heavy for either of us to hold

[though you are somehow cradling it
in your fractured celestial mind].

would you sing december to me?
would you play it in thirds
and mold it into something i can see?
i would give the dying bamboo
on my window sill to feel you again

[like when you cut your hands on raw selenite
but they don't bleed].

december is slipping out of our reach.
she is slipping quietly out the door
and i have my hands held high
like sentinels of the sky
and my eyes closed in patient rapture.

but you?

you are slipping quietly out of my reach,
out the door

[you did not want to interrupt me;
me and my goddamn emotional revolution.

slam].

i am awake and it is not december anymore,
but there are dead leaves on the kitchen table
and it is time for me to go

[i am left with falling in love with people i don't know,
and wishing,

maybe
i will see you again].
bamboo is supposed to be strong.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012   Writer
I think :devnicsawner: has made some real accurate notes, in fact things I was going to point out myself. With poems like this you really need to tighten up the sentence structure to give off the strongest effect possible- otherwise the audience gets lost in lack of pace and too many adjectives. There's potential here, but I'd like to see a more polished version :)
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! Your piece has been featured as inspiration in #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Winter Alliance Contest article! Please :+fav: the article to bring more attention to the features and the contest. Thanks! :)
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I received this poem as a suggestion, and I'm moved by it, as it has so much potential, yet it is so far away at the same time. So I felt I could leave some words for you regarding this piece in the comments.

The word choice in this is, at times, lyrical, but most of the time it is awkwardly phrased and overly descriptive. There are a few instances where I was rushed through a line because there were too many descriptors for a noun:

frail plywood wrists
fractured celestial mind <---way too many syllables here
goddamn emotional revolution <---surely just "goddamn" would get the point across?

It also feels as if the poem was written at different times. some areas read cleaner, smoother, and more connected than others.

This is clearly the strongest part of the poem:
would you sing december to me?
would you play it in thirds
and mold it into something i can see?
i would give the dying bamboo
on my window sill to feel you again

[like when you cut your hands on raw selenite
but they don't bleed].

There are some good ideas there but they don't really connect much further throughout the poem as well as within their own stanza. We have two lines about music and a line about shaping something added. Then, we are whisked away to, perhaps the strongest image present in the poem, the bamboo, but it is coupled with an all-too-familiar concept: "I'd give this for you."

Yes, this poem captures a mood, as the suggester pointed out, but it doesn't capture a sense of why this mood is important. And that is it's greatest fault.

Nic
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:iconthetornweaver:
TheTornWeaver Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You convey the hopelessness beautifully. This is an excellent piece!
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Student Writer
thank you very much :)
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:iconthetornweaver:
TheTornWeaver Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Student Writer
:la: thank you so so much!! :heart:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011
You are very welcome!
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:iconprettycrazy:
PrettyCrazy Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow.

i am holding out my frail plywood wrists and begging you for something too heavy for either of us to hold

like when you cut your hands on raw selenite but they don't bleed

me and my goddamn emotional revolution

but there are dead leaves on the kitchen table and it is time for me to go

i am left with falling in love with people i don't know

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Baaaaang.

My guts hurt now.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
OOH! Ooooooooooh! Oh, lovely!
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2011  Student Writer
:D thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner May 25, 2011   Writer
i am holding out my frail plywood wrists and begging you for something too heavy for either of us to hold
Wow. The imagery in this piece – it's so bleak and honest. I love the style, the lowercase letters and the use of square brackets – somehow they seem more suited to it than round ones. This is just a brilliant depiction of relationships. :)
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Writer
thank you very much :) :heart:
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2011   Writer
Not at all. :)
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Ay caramba. This is very well written. Simple in certain ways with powerful metaphors and imagery in there.
I don't know what you want us to critique in this. I find the first and third December lines to be more powerful than the second and last. The second seems to be the weakest to me. I don't know. Wonderful poem. :heart:
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Student Writer
i agree that the second stanza came out weak... in fact, since posting this piece i've come up with at least 4 alternatives but none of them are any better than what i've already got down. i'm at a loss.
thank you for the comment :) :heart:
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Reply
:iconpoetoffire:
poetoffire Featured By Owner May 22, 2011
your fractured celestial mind

my hands held high like sentinels of the sky and my eyes closed in patient rapture

[you did not want to interrupt me; me and my goddamn my emotional revolution.

slam].


Wow.
At first I wasn't so sure on the wood metaphor, but it really comes together. Building a house for the sky. This poem aches.

One thing, though: the second to last stanza "i am awake...to go" is strong, but the image of dead leaves doesn't seem to work quite as well as it should.

Still.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Student Writer
:) i hear you. kitchens are a place, in my family, where we talk about everything. dead leaves in the kitchen... think desolate.
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:iconsimplyfeel:
simplyfeel Featured By Owner May 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Let's see where do I start...
The metaphors you used were genius. I love reading love poems that are not cheesy with overused cliches.
I can feel the anguish and anger you feel over this dying relationship. I just feel it. The way yo phrase your words together throughout the poem give an emotional punch. I didn't seem shallow or whiny at any point. Great description overall of your emotions.
The only thing that I would fix is the actually structure of the poem. The lines. I can't say is has a great flow because of the structure it is in. But I read through and it would have an excellent flow if you organize it the write way.
I really enjoyed reading this. This is something that I hope to write one day. A poem perfectly describing a romance situation while bot being cliche or annoying. Good job my fellow poet1 :D
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Student Writer
thank you friend :) i hear you about the structure. i've thought about chopping the lines up to make them shorter? or even just centering the text, but i don't know the html code for that >.>
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner May 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely lovely<3
i really like the way you use brackets--i use them too sometimes, but not anywhere nearly as eloquently.
also, i love how you describe wrists as plywood; it's such a unique description, so very different from many other people's imagery.
one question though--in the line '[you did not want to interrupt me; me and my goddamn my emotional revolution]' did you mean to put 'my goddamn my'? if it was supposed to be that way, i probably just read it wrong...
wonderful piece though! :)
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Student Writer
you're the second person to point out that typo.. thanks! i never seem to notice the frikken things.
thank you for the comment! :) much appreciated :heart:
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:iconwillowshine:
Willowshine Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
no problem--ahh i have the same problem...i read pieces over and over again and never notice little things here and there...
and it was my pleasure! :)
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:iconterraqueous87:
Terraqueous87 Featured By Owner May 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I really did like this poem. The analogies given are correct and still different enough to be interesting. Especially the Selenite one. It may be because I am a chemistry and biology nerd, but then that would mean you could draw in more people with that.

On the sixth stanza I noticed you put "my...my" in there. I'm not sure if this was a grammar mistake or a purposed use of repetition, but I sort of liked it when I read it twice.

If I'm correct December would be the relationship and leaves are what are left over.

I really did like this because the first half of the poem is what I am feeling, but I haven't ever felt this before. That's not the only reason I liked it, of course. My first statements are other reasons.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Student Writer
ah yes... that was a typo. thanks for pointing it out, i always miss them.

thank you for the comment :) :heart: december was an unkept promise.
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:iconscout73:
Scout73 Featured By Owner May 21, 2011  Student Writer
I really liked this poem. I'm not sure I understand it on an intellectual level, but emotionally I can really feel what you were portraying. And, you know, extended metaphors are awesome.
Well done!
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 22, 2011  Student Writer
thank you :) i appreciate it :heart:
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:iconnngross:
nngross Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011  Hobbyist
This is just something else...you made my heart drop to somewhere around my stomach.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2011  Student Writer
thank you so much!
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:iconnngross:
nngross Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2011  Hobbyist
You are oh so welcome!
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2011  Professional Writer
For some reason, this piece broke my heart. It feels so frail and lovely.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011  Student Writer
a broken heart inspired it i suppose. thank you for the comment and the fave <3
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011  Professional Writer
I'm sorry to hear that. :( You're welcome.
Reply
:iconcynenoir:
CyneNoir Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I love all of the descriptions you have here, and how they convey the emotions so quietly and so well. I particularly liked the lines "i am awake and it is not december anymore,
but there are dead leaves on the kitchen table and it is time for me to go."
Beautifully melancholic.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010  Student Writer
thank you so much, i really appreciate the feedback <3
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2010
"i am left with falling in love with people i don't know"
I do that too.
This to me feels like you're begging for the pain that came with a previous relationship.. because the pain of being alone is worse.
I can really identify with this.
:hug:
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010  Student Writer
talk about being read like an open book <3 soulmates, i tell you!
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:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
:huggle:
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:iconcommonstrosity:
commonstrosity Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010
This is beautiful. I love the words you use. I'd never have thought to describe wrists with plywood, but it fits so well, and the image is amazing. This also means a little more to me then it probably should, because December has a meaning sort of like this for me too. So I love this that much more for that. The bracketed pieces add a really unique touch and I love the way you drop your lines down, like you did with 'slam.]'
Amazing peice :heart::hug:
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010  Student Writer
thank you very much! that means a lot to me and i'm happy you can relate :) <3
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:iconcommonstrosity:
commonstrosity Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010
Awwh, :hug: no problem(: and :heart:
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:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
beautifully tragic. you can feel the heartbreak and longing. i loved it.
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:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2010  Student Writer
thank you so much :)
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:icon27tattoo-dance:
27tattoo-dance Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
There are a LOT of metaphors and stuffs and there and I'm obviously too stupid to get it. I therefore apologize profusely. I AM SOOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For my stupidity.
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