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:iconvivyi:Vivyi posted a status
*Bolding the things that are most important

Hello all,
For those of you who know, I was experiencing a bit of difficulty with my life in terms of my stress level and anxiety level.Things just seemed to add up after a while, and it made me feel extremely tense. I was also experiencing depression and hyperactivity, to the point of where I couldn't even sit down and study.

I ended up having an episode where it damaged and debilitated me. However, since then - I've made healthier choices, and one of those, is deciding to go to bed sooner, meditating for 20 minutes everyday, and taking soothing baths for longer, to help lower my stress level. I also decided to take an entire weekend off, just to spend with the people in my life, such as you guys, and my best friend in RL.

Ever since then, I've been in control of my thoughts, my mood, and my predictament. I've made better choices for my self esteem. I'm starting to listen, whenever I hear you all say: "treat yourself well, because you're too hard on yourself." I think I am too hard on myself, and I want that to change.

Life is short on this planet... so why not make the most of it? At least, with what you have. Would you rather spend your whole life sulking about how terrible your life is, or make a difference with it? Nobody knows this story better, than myself. This is what I'm learning slowly but surely... that I'm not going to live very long, but that doesn't mean I can't make the most of my time before I die.

Truthfully, when I really add the numbers up... I'm likely to die around 50 years of age with health problems, or suicide. But I'm not going to let suicide be my cause. I have 29 years left to get the job of my dreams, and to live my life with purity and wholeness. I want to make people laugh and smile, not cry or be unhappy.

And I want to be an LGBT author. That's my dream right there. That's what I want to do in the future... the 99% of the truth.

So if there's anything for you to take away from me... it's that I'm here to make you laugh, smile and be kind to yourself. I most importantly, want to write fiction that will make people think about other viewpoints. But enjoyment, and refreshment comes first. I have skill, and I know how to adapt to it. I've worked hard over the years to present my content to you all.

Anyway, the #1 thing I know right now... is that everyone matters. And I've been neglecting a lot of you as of late. I'm sorry about this... I really, really am. Please know that I am. I'm trying the best that I can, with my introverted self, to be more outreaching to each of you. Remember that I am an INFJ - and we INFJs, really need our isolation every once in a while. This is part of why I disappeared for so long... I really needed a break, and if you read my bio on my profile - this is partially why I talk about needing breaks.

I just want to thank everyone for their time, and for being there for me as always. I'm sorry I can't always be there, college is ridiculous as you might tell from my recent deviations. I'm rushing to type all of this out... a brain dump, if you must xD

Anyway, stay strong, and if you read all of this: props to you!

Devious Comments

:iconxxpetunia-i-luv-uxx:
xXPetunia-I-Luv-UXx Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
Awwww~~ **hugs** I'm so glad about the decisions you made~~~ I hope you're doing awesome lately! And always remember that me, and many others, care about you!^^Racing Girl Emoji (Heart shot wink) [V3] Racing Girl Emoji (Heart shot wink) [V3] :teamo: :teamo: :heartyfaint: :heartyfaint: :HeartGlomp: :HeartGlomp: :heart: revamp :heart: revamp .:Bunny love love:. .:Bunny love love:. Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-08 (Heart Angel) [V1] Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-08 (Heart Angel) [V1] Neko Emoji-42 - (Kawaii Admiring) [V3] Neko Emoji-42 - (Kawaii Admiring) [V3] mini hearts mini hearts :balloon: :balloon: Rainbow of love :cloud9: 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Still struggling, but you know - I'll get through it! :D Hope you're doing awesome too <3
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:iconxxpetunia-i-luv-uxx:
xXPetunia-I-Luv-UXx Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
Awww I am doing great thank you so much!SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (Spread the love) [V1] SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) SpongeBob (You sho adorable) 
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:iconsummer-peaches:
Summer-Peaches Featured By Owner Edited Oct 5, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I very much agree with what Sleyf said. I'm very glad you're making positive steps in your own life, but never limit your own lifespan. There is no deadline, and you have no idea when you're going to pass. I have lots of health problems as well. When I found out I had the beginnings of cancer last January, the doctors were luckily able to tackle it very fast, but now I'm at an increased risk for one of the most aggressive cancers the rest of my life. BUT I'm confident that keeping up with my doctors and making healthier lifestyle choices can make me more than just a number...I had an uncle who lived to be 101!! And my grandfather only lived to be 66, so you just never, ever know and you can't limit yourself to 50 years. Thinking that you only have 29 years left makes being 21 seem old!!....21 should be a great time!! Don't concentrate on death. Think about the great things!! Like Sleyf said, there have been people with incredibly severe diseases who have even been given "5 years to live" or whatever and proven those people wrong!! My grandma, for example, had emphysema and was told she only had 1 year to live, and she ended up living much longer than anyone thought she would, I think because she wanted to have as much time with her family as possible <3

With that being said, I am proud of you for taking other positive steps, like the meditation and the baths. Those things are very helpful :) I know college can be stressful (heck, I could talk about that all day XD) but you're pulling through, and that's wonderful Heart And we are always here to look out for you, of course <3
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Said better than I ever could
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I think I agree with her too... but I still want to make every day count. I guess I tend to think of it as if I were living each day with care and precision... I want the day to matter to me, because if it does, my life will be accomplished, and I'll live a successful life, instead of wishing I did this or that when I was young. I've done a lot already for my age, and I will do plenty more in my life. I want to make my days matter, and my life be important, so that when people look at me... that they'll see somebody who's accomplished, rather than somebody who's a failure. I will learn to make connections, land the job of my dreams, and do all of the things I want to do in life... not because I want to give myself a deadline, but because I do want to exist and prove to people, that I can exist peacefully, and truthfully, and honestly instead of being a mess of emotions, stuttering, or failure. In a way, I've already proven this, so even if I were to die - I would feel accomplished in my life, and that everything I did had merit.

I won't lie when I say that I predict my suicide rate is probably over 60-70% due to all of the problems and issues that I have. However, my will to live is more like 110% because of my upbringing... and I have a mother who won't accept failure for me, because she went through that, and it was hard for her, and she has many, many problems with her health... so I can't play the victim card at all, because she and I both know I don't deserve that.

Thank you <333 I'm getting there... I used to not want to do those things, but since I have to, I will. It's taught me so much. Life got me into a pickle again, and I might discuss it, either in private or in a journal entry. I need time to think about how I want to approach this issue, so I think writing it out will help me. I might not share either, because it is very, very personal and controversal. But I guess I've always been a bit of a controversal person :P
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:iconarasteia:
Arasteia Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm really glad to hear your weekend off helped you, and I am SO sorry that I couldn't chat - I didn't realise how time-consuming having four assignments due this week would be ^^; I also expected a bit more from my team members in my group assignment but that's over now, forgive and forget XD This weekend though I'll be free so I can definitely chat if you're up for it! And you definitely make me laugh and smile so you're certainly not failing at your life goal at all :tighthug: And don't feel bad about neglecting us, we know you need the time off, and we're probably all guilty of neglect too (I know I am XD). 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle: You know, it's alright. I completely understand. I've been so busy this week, but I definitely will make time in the weekends to chat. Maybe we can chat on a Saturday around 6:00PM pacific timing? Hopefully that's a reasonable time for you. Let me know if that doesn't work out, and we'll figure out something :) If you feel up to it, maybe we could do a video call!

:tighthug: I'm so happy you think that. I really, really am... you have no idea. If I can only impact one person's life, it would be enough for me. The one thing that has always helped me, was Deviant Art... in so many ways. Just learning to communicate with awesome people like you, is one of them! :tighthug:

I really do need the time, I'm still incredibly fragile and quick to all sorts of emotions.  A lot of my friends have been super busy as well. It's just one of those years I guess...
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:iconarasteia:
Arasteia Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah that sounds good to me! :la: And yeah for sure, I'd be up for a video call :D Well you've definitely impacted my life, so you don't have to worry about that :tighthug: And yes, deviantART is honestly such a lifesaver. I don't know how I'd live without it at this point. XD I think I've honestly met so many amazing people like you on here too :tighthug:
Ah of course, it's okay, we all have those years at some point in our lives I guess. It'll get better though, I'm sure of it! 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Yay! I'm glad it works out... I'll definitely try to make it then! <3 And yay! I've always wanted to video call you lol xD I've never gotten the  chance! :tighthug: <3333333 I'm so glad and thankful. You've impacted mine too, alongside my other friends. I've had life changing situations thanks to many of you :heart: Deviant art is such a wonderful place! When I communicate with my friends on skype, it really helps me figure out how to talk to people. I'm so socially awkward in real life, but nobody understands that! Everyone mistakes me for a social butterfly whether online or off LOL But like, I hope I can improve too, so I can make more connections with people. It's so much effort to maintain and do though xD It doesn't come naturally for me at all!

I hope so! The year's been pretty rough. I might talk about it in the future... that is, if I can muster up the courage to. It's a pretty controversal subject LOL xD
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:iconarasteia:
Arasteia Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awesome, I look forward to it! :la: It is a really wonderful place, and yes I know how you feel! I can't even talk to people in real life, but people I know online don't believe I'm shy. XD Yeah I think it really just takes practice :D And haha you're not alone, it doesn't come naturally to me either!
Ah that's okay, if you ever want to talk about it, go right ahead, but if you're not comfortable, that's fine too. Do whatever works for you! ^^ 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Me too! :la: I love Deviant Art a lot c: Many of my friends have been helpful for giving me advice to help with suicidal thoughts. People in real life don't believe I'm shy either XD They immediately think I communicate just fine. In reality, it's nearly impossible for me to relate to most people, but I try the best I can. xD I screw up my words a lot because I get really anxious unless it's one person, and they are willing to continue to talk to me. xD But finding the words to say - can be VERY difficult!

I don't know if I will yet. I want to do some research so I can back it up with facts about what this subject is, but it may take a lot of courage to get out there, especially how heavy the subject matter is. Practically nobody I know, even has heard of this topic xD I might also wait until I have my temporary therapist test me, just to be sure that I'm not jumping to conclusions. I'll just state: It's a possibility that I deal with this, and it's very likely that I do. It'll also make me look twice as marginalized, and probably make people hate me or think I'm evil, I dunno xD
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:iconarasteia:
Arasteia Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ah that's really good then :D Haha well you did pretty well on Skype but I do know what you mean :p As I said then, I'm the same XD
And ah yeah, that's fair enough. I know some topics are pretty delicate to handle so just take your time if you need to! No rush for anything of course, and no need to talk about anything you don't want to! 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad I'm not alone in this :heart: That makes me feel a lot better if you know what I mean :P

Well, honestly - I bounce back and forth between the idea of sharing it, but we'll see. I might just explain the situation at hand, the best I can, in an non opinionated way. It's a life changing situation though. It could really severely damage my self esteem, if I get labeled as such. Plus, I might never view myself the same way again. I don't understand why people can't leave me alone.
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(1 Reply)
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think limiting your lifespan is not helping, no one knows when they will die and predicting it is a terrible thing to do, I think you need to stop doing that or letting others tell you that - you have MORE than 29 years left to do what you want - I am INFJ (T) as well and I have 'alone time' every day lol (everyone I know knows this and so doesn't care if I vanish or don't interact) - but what I'm saying is that whoever has given you that life prediction - or made you think about it - basically is making things worse, don't live as though you're struggling to get everything in before a deadline, because NO ONE knows how long anyone has, and thinking abut it like an expiray date is just making you stress - this is WHY people shouldn't know these things - and to be honest that prediction kind of makes me mad *insert angry face* (not mad at you, just...in general at the statement lol) because it's limiting you with this defeatist view that is not really helping in my opinion and I can't even articulate how! But please just ignore that 'you'll likely die at 50' - because I find that to be a very detremental statement to always be thinking of and planning your life around - even people who have had cancer and were told they would die, have proven others wrong - so unless it's 100% certain, ignore prediction because EVERY ACTION changes outcomes
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I guess the reason why I've borrowed into that idea in the first place, is because I like making every day count as if it were my last day on earth. Being kind to people, being reasonable with others, doing the right thing at all times, and putting effort into making people's lives important, is all something I want to do for myself. Truthfully, maybe I borrow into that "Oh you'll die at 50" or "Oh you'll die at 30" mentalities a little too much. Like cancer or any health problem, medications and even suicidal thoughts can endanger a person's life in more ways than one, and I guess I'm just depressed of all the statistics. I've managed to be highly successful regardless, and defy every stereotype in the book... but I still have so many issues under my belt, and I'm overwhelmed because people just want to slap more on me. I really don't know how many more years it's going to take, before I've had  enough. Every year gets harder and harder to cope with, because more and more issues show up. I try to stay positive... but it's so hard... because I feel so alienated and alone. I feel like nobody understands me, and nobody will ever understand me, even if they want to. I want to be good, and spread kindness in the world... because life has never been kind to me, and never will be kind to me, but that doesn't mean that I should let that turn me into a spiteful person. In a way, I guess that's why I felt like limiting myself... because I want to make every single day count, and matter deeply to me.
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