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Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.
Here is the long awaited prologue! This certain piece hasn't changed a whole lot in production, but I certainly do hope you enjoy it. I changed the vernacular numerous times, and I really think it represents itself well. The building was hard to draw, but I tried my best. I think the prologue's picture is one of the best out of the bunch, next to Mr. Monette's picture in chapter 2, which is already available to see in my gallery.
This is done using PDF because the pictures take up a lot of space in my stash otherwise (they are HUGE) Having 15 pictures in there would be a nightmare. Plus PDF makes it easier on me.
Cover <----> Chapter 1
Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word.
People seems to blame Estelle for not turning on the rain machine... or maybe they think that she caused a curse and turning on the rain machine would only be her trying to make up for it.
Aaaaand this makes me curious what made Estelle so cold-hearted. Maybe it was loneliness and she uses all that to get a couple friends?
Or maybe the land she lives in one did a big damage to her and now she wants revenge.
Indeed that is a good hypothesis. You'll have to see while reading!
Is Estelle cold-hearted because of anger, or cold hearted because of something deeper? Is she just full of hatred and greed, or is there something deeper in the works? Does she want revenge, or does she want to be rescued? What could possibly be the truth??!!
Human emotions are often multi-dimensional, so I guess multiple answers of these are right.
Second, try to describe the characters' emotions in more detail. Show the rage of the rebellious people through their actions, their thoughts/dialogue. Show the princess's fear through her thoughts; show her struggling to keep a straight face, show her clenching her fists to hold back the emotions that threaten to overwhelm her, etc.
Other than that, this seems like a good introduction to an intriguing story. Keep writing!
Ah yes, that makes a lot of sense to describe about the drought. This was originally written for middle schoolers, which is why some of the detail is left out, but I may have left out too much. If I do decide to rewrite this, I will be sure to use more emotion and more sensory, as well as describing things a little more crisper. (This was a senior project, so there was limited time involved but since I completed it, I'm free to do what I will with this story... I'm thinking I might turn it into a Young Adult novel verses for Middle Schoolers. )
I'm learning a lot about the feedback I get, so thanks again! I will certainly write more stories. I'll be adding your critique to a critique folder for this story, so when I rewrite it, I will have everyone's advice. Thank you so much!
Great start, pulls me in.
“Soldiers be stilled” – I think I know what you’re going for, but this sounds a little awkward. Maybe ‘soldiers were stilled’
“Be stilling nothing” – I’m sure this is some kind of technique with the ‘stilling’ stuff, but I don’t understand it and it’s jolting me a little
“but inside; her” – I don’t think this needs to be a semicolon so much as a comma
“the cocky princess ahead of them” – ahead of who?
“the revolution,’ She coldly proposed” – ‘she’ doesn’t need to be capitalised and ‘proposed’ seems like a bit of a strange tag. Oddly formal in the dark context
“Alexander told her” – where is Alexander? Is he up in the tower with her? Maybe have a line clarifying this
“it will only rise again for various reasons” – ‘for various reasons’ sounds a little strange to me as dialogue. I can’t really imagine someone saying it aloud. Maybe delete it – to me, ‘it will only rise again!’ sounds better
“The Festival of Tears” – I get what you’re trying to do with the new line, but for me it threw the flow out of whack as I tried to understand whether or not someone was talking. I think I’d just have it as a normal line of dialogue
“must each” – you say this twice in very close range of each other and to me it sounds a bit repetitive. Maybe say something difference one of the times to break it up?
“and the rain is mine for the taking” – it seems to me as if it is already hers. Doesn’t she control the rain machine?
“Silently, Alexander said” – I’m not sure you can say something silently. Maybe ‘quietly’?
“whomever the eldest child would be” – I’m not sure I understand what you mean by this
“hiding a small tear” – I’m rather confused by the actions of this princess. She seems power hungry and arrogant at first, and appears to be dictating exactly what she wants of these children as though she is in charge of it all, but then jumps instantly to crying. Maybe make the transition smoother by describing more of her expression and how she is talking. Does her voice begin to wobble? Does her face pale? I realise that she is perhaps not as ‘in charge’ as she seems, but I think you could make it increasingly obvious sooner through her body language
Hmm... Estelle always did appear a little randomized in her emotions, like one moment she could be completely sad and the next to be completely happy. I'll take your word for it and make her a little less exaggerated, and smooth the transitions a little bit in her works~ Thanks again! I'll be saving your critiques onto my computer for more analyzing when I paw through this story once more. I want it to be perfect~ or at least good enough! XD
Ah, nothing's ever perfect, but you can get pretty close!