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Netheron Chapter 9 by Vivyi Netheron Chapter 9 by Vivyi

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Well, here we are: almost to the end. The epilogue will be uploaded tomorrow.

I realize Esmeralda might be less interesting than Estelle, but hopefully you'll get that she had a lot of control over Estelle. Mae shows her courageousness, and a secret is revealed. Estelle does have a rather unique bloodline, one that would be unexpected for a princess to have. The fact that Mae seems to share a similar one, is very intriguing indeed.

This is honestly the ending I would rewrite again and again if I could. I already see where I could improve upon, as in: Adding the Drethanoids more in there, enhancing the fight scene, giving more expression to the characters (as I've been getting a lot of feedback that my characters lack emotion outside of their dialogue), giving more character actions, increasing tension, giving Esmeralda a weapon beside her magic, making Mae a little more vulnerable, more explanations for things,  ectera, ectera. I will definitely keep such in mind for next time. Most definitely. I will write a better book too.

If you have any more suggestions for improvement, don't hesitate to tell me. I love hearing your advice and will save it to my computer so I can continually look at it for reference for my future works. :nod:


        Chapter 8         <---->         Epilogue

  Netheron Chapter 8 by Vivyi       Netheron Epilogue by Vivyi

  Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word. 
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“silently walked through” – you already said everyone was silent, so I don’t think the adverb is necessary
“heard through the speakers” – what speakers?
“too busy being in hysteria” – this seems a little dull to me. Perhaps you could describe their hysteria?
“clutched the palm of her sword” – when did she get her sword back, and from where? Did she retrieve it from Monette’s room? And where has she kept it up to now? Also, I think instead of ‘palm’, you might say ‘hilt’ of her sword, as I’m not sure swords have palms
“I was never Queen of Netheron” – she seems to fluctuate between being referred to as the princess and the queen, and I’m not sure which she truly is
“I challenge you to a duel” – with what? Does Mae have some kind of weapon?
“She slid one finger in” – I thought her hand was already through? Is this the other hand, or has she pulled it back out?
“How did you do that” – how indeed? It doesn’t seem to be explained, though I assume it has something to do with speed
“Estelle could already be at the top” – oh, so when they were separated from her, she was ahead of them? You might want to be more clear about where each of them was when they were separated, as I thought Estelle had been cut off from the tower
“today would be a great day to wear shorts” – haha, nice
“why only she was able to pass through my wall” – but I thought Mae and Otto went through too? Ah, I see, you mention them later, but then she must know that they were able to pass through. So maybe instead she could say something like ‘why she should have been the only one able to pass through’
“Mae could feel her strangeness” – not sure what you mean by ‘strangeness’ in this context
“in the arms of Otto” – when did she fall into his arms?
“barricading each with the blade” – if she’s barricading them, how can she also simply let them pass through her?
“aiming for her weak points” – what weak points are these, and how does Mae know what they are?
“a startling light came out from Mae’s hand” – so she is a witch after all?
“you must run a kingdom that hates witches” – this sentence completely confused me. She doesn’t run any kingdom, does she, and why would it hate witches?
“Alexander wagered” – to me, this doesn’t seem the right word. To me it implies guessing, or betting, but Alexander is doing neither

What do you think?
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Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it's only for the best that Mae earned her crown. :nod: People wouldn't have completely trusted Estelle as their ruler, not after everything that happened.

Mae also must have learned to collaborate with Otto on this journey, more or less. :nod: While I'm still not sure they will always agree as rulers, at least they aren't likely to cause a terrible catastrophe.

And Estelle now can do what she likes the most!

Though I wonder if Mae's witchy blood won't make some trouble in the future...
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think so either. Mae would be a far better ruler than Estelle... xD But gaining witchy powers only makes things more complicated... because now SHE has to come to terms with her own abilities xD Or lose herself to darkness...

Indeed :nod: Hopefully they don't! I'm sure Estelle could give them some tips on running the kingdom, now that she's more clear headed o_O Or maybe Otto would know!!
KalineReine Featured By Owner Edited Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
I like that Mae was questioning so much about Estelle in the beginning. And by the end of this chapter, she was so eager to help her. I really like her as a character too, because she seems to believe more in her own experiences with people than what she's always been told. The only thing I wish is that you'd described Esmeralda's appearance a little more, it doesn't give us much of an idea of what she looks like. (I mean I know what she looks like because of the drawing, and it's wonderful, but it would be good to portray that in the writing too.) And wow! I am actually shocked at this ending... But pleasantly so! :D That was amazing! I really expected it to be like... Estelle would still rule the Kingdom, but with Mae and Otto at her side helping her out. I certainly didn't expect it to go this way. What an exciting plot twist! 
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahh, I do realize that... my bad :XD: That should have been fixed. I'm going to probably work more with describing appearances in my writing.

Hehe thank you~ I love plot twists, they are my favorite~ :XD:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Plot twists are always so much fun! :D No worries, appearances aren't everything after all, but they can help the reader visualize the scene better. I'm sure you'll manage to fix it in the re-write or something. And it was still really a really awesome scene. It was good to see this final showdown between them, finally. 
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oooouououo xD
I really love when Otto said “How in the blazes of irony did you do that?”
Anyway... if Mae becomes the Queen and Otto the King,, does it mean they're going to be married?
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha~ That's one of my favorite lines too~

Yep~ It does!~ :D But shhh you didn't hear that! :shh:
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