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Netheron Chapter 6 by Vivyi Netheron Chapter 6 by Vivyi

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:iconnetheron-chronicles:

Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.


So a few questions about this chapter:

Do you think it was a wise move to reverse antagonists?

What do you think of Estelle based on the story verses this chapter? Do you hate her, like her: Find her appealing, unappealing, aggressive- ectera, ectera?

Do you think I am doing a good job maneuvering the story, or does it need improvements in some areas?

I am really curious to see what you might think about it... as you are the reader and I am the writer, so your words mean a lot of impact for me! :D I'm a bit nervous distributing this chapter, but I really do hope you like it~

That is all... enjoy! :D

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Netheron Chapter 5 by Vivyi    Netheron Chapter 7 by Vivyi

 Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word.  
                                       
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:iconarasteia:
“taking place in their smell” – this seems to me to be worded a bit awkwardly. Maybe something like ‘hanging in the air’, or ‘clogging up their nostrils’?

“felt completely isolated” – you’ve said ‘completely’ three times in this chapter and to me it feels slightly repetitive. Perhaps you could use an alternative?

“she motioned her two feet forward” – I’ve generally heard ‘motioned’ used to suggest that someone has gestured. I can’t really picture Mae waving at her feet to move, so maybe you could find another word?

“abandoned umbrellas” – same thing as ‘completely’ – maybe find a synonym for abandoned, or even better describe their abandonment. Were they left in a hurry, stands knocked askew, upended tables, or simply left in place like a ghost town? You could go further and describe the dust, the spiderwebs, the insects and rodents poking amongst the rubble

“had destroyed all that was left” – in that case, you could describe the smashed debris littering the streets, broken shop windows, splintered doors

“terror and fear” – one suggests the other, so I don’t think you need both

“dead beating heart” – another life oxymoron – if it’s dead, why is it beating? Artificially? Maybe say that. Also, it must be loud if she can hear it. Is it on the outside of its body?

“but it had the brute strength of a tyrant” – how does Mae know? Maybe you could have it do something to demonstrate this

“steam powered robot” – very steampunk! Perhaps describe jets of steam shooting from its joints, the smell of oil, the clank and scrape of loose metal as it approaches. Appeal to as many of the senses as you can

“soon they were cornered” – I’m curious! I’d like to hear about the chase in more detail!

“slowly trotted” – to me, ‘trotted’ doesn’t quite inspire the right fear I think the Drethanoids need – maybe ‘stalk’, or ‘slink’, or something to that effect?

“their grip gradually getting tighter” – grip on what? I assume you mean they’re closing in, but it sounds at first as if they’re holding something

“scare off the spiders” – spiders in the corner? I would have thought that with Drethanoids closing in, they’d hardly be caring about spiders!

“yet her skills were vague and incomplete” – if she was skilled, that generally doesn’t leave room for her to be vague and incomplete, I would think, so this doesn’t quite make sense to me

“the mysterious girl soon could not keep up” – you say this twice in this sentence, and the repetition sounds a bit strange to me

“such anger it felt rapid” – ‘rapid’ seems a little out of context to me here. It felt fast? Not really the sort of thing I’d imagine someone saying

“she demanded” – since this is directly after the second half of dialogue, I don’t think you need this

“a look of wear” – I think you might be able to describe this better

“I’m on your side now” – I think Estelle should also mention something about how she just saved their lives. Seems like a good argument to me

“a solution to the rain machine” – this might be just me forgetting, but I’m not sure I’m clear on the rain machine’s problem. I know that it’s preventing rain from falling anywhere but on Estelle’s land and this needs to be fixed. Can’t Estelle simply order it to rain elsewhere? And why does it not rain on the peasants’ land in the first place (again, this could just be my bad memory)?

“foul witch made me do it” – Why? Why is Esmerelda so against the common people? And again this curse. What is it, and do Mae and Otto know about it? If not, why aren’t they asking?

“fix it yourself” – so is the rain machine simply broken?

Also as a general note, I again think that shorter, snappier sentences would work well to speed up the action in the fight scene.
What do you think?
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
It's pleasant to see Estelle becoming more and more active with the story. It adds dynamic.

I liked the idea that the princess looked somehow inappropriate without her wig. It's like showing that royalty are the same people as non-royalty, and clothing that makes them look like deities doesn't actually make monarchs better.

Reversing antagonists gives the story surprise effect and is good to use when you want your story to take a sharp turn. :nod: Making Estelle on the same side as Otto and Mae will help explore their relationship, so as long as that relationship is an important factor in the further story, this move is wise.

I'd say I view Estelle... as some kind of fox: she is charming yet sly and not the kind of person I'd trust. She seems to have more in her head than she reveals and the only side she takes is her own, even though she does have a certain amount of care for other people. 

For me, the story is being maneuvered good, at least until now.
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good to hear :nod: I wanted her to be more active.

That's a good point c: Deep  down inside, we're all the same, no matter what clothes we wear, or how rich we are. :nod:

Agreed. I have a tendency in my writing to write antagonists who double as protagonists. xD

Their relationship should have some impact on the ending, so I hope it is a wise choice in the end. :nod:

In this story, I don't think I'd trust Estelle either. She's a bit like Yvette is in the upcoming prequel. I guess ironically so, she becomes more like Yvette as she became the princess. Yvette would probably hold some impact in Netheron 2.0. XD

That's good to hear! c:
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Wowwww this was an amazing chapter! :love: I loved every second of it. When she came in and heroically saved Otto and Mae like that, I knew there would be some kind of problem once they realized who she was. Their reactions were perfectly founded. Mae's conclusion that she's trying to blame everything on her servant seems like a logical reaction to the situation. There's a lot of tension there... It will be really interesting to see how this plays out. I never expected the three of them to end up travelling together. I wonder what Drusilla can do to help though.  
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe thank you~

I really had a lot of fun writing this chapter. :XD: Estelle's character is so key in this chapter, it's good to know I'm writing her correctly. It's why I also call her a secondary character, other than just an antagonist. :XD: Her character makes me so happy <333
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
She's very unique, and the labels don't really matter so much. Her story is a very inspiring one. ^^
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy I read the story before going to bed :la: wonderful bedtime story :iconyaayplz:
I love how u drag me into the situation, I can exactly relate to Mae's fear Meow :3 
But I found something weird in the sentence: Mae helplessly hugged Otto in her place, and he clung to her, equally disturbed.
The word "disturbed" doesn't seem right, although I get what u mean Sweating a little... 
And it would be better if u can add more details about the fighting (maybe the same amount as ur description of Mae's feeling in the situation) Giggle 
Yaaayyy looking forward to the next chapter Bunny Emoji-89 (Cheer) [V5] 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much~ :D

Yeah, I can see how that can be kind of weird. I'll look into it. :D

The reason I didn't go all out in the fighting with details is because supposedly, I'm trying to keep a middle school level reading. But I see how my fear of keeping the rating might have made the  fighting less exciting. If I edit this, I'll probably add a bit more action and details. Thanks for your input~ I appreciate it highly! :D
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome!! :D
Bunny Emoji-89 (Cheer) [V5] 
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