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Netheron Chapter 4 by Vivyi Netheron Chapter 4 by Vivyi

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:iconnetheron-chronicles:

Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.


I've decided to power update every weekend, which means I'll be updating either Friday, Saturday or Sunday, or all three. But I'll at least update twice in a week. Gives me something to do for the weekend~ :D I'm hoping to have the entire story out by Christmas (that is my goal~)

So yeah... this chapter... wish I could've handle things a little differently, if I remember correctly, I took a very vivid shortcut which probably damages the heightened excitement of the story. I don't know.. up to you! It's probably pretty unexpected, none the less. I was on a deadline, and this was taking 2 years to do, (though it only took me about 5-6 months to write out, a lot of characterization and plotting was needed) I even stayed behind high school for a whole year, couldn't afford to do it again. ( I have to jump into college at some point!) But I'm glad I finished, now I just need to finish handing my books out to people, and create a senior powerpoint presentation of what I've done. (This was a senior project, and a very awesome one none the less. ;) Thanks for the support so far, too! :D )

I'm unsure if chapter 6 will make any sense to people (or even appeal to people), but for the people giving feedback: I would like some questions answered about what you would think of that  chapter when I release it this Sunday. I'll describe the questions later, when I get it out. For now: enjoy the story, and I hope to hear back from you soon! :)

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Netheron Chapter 3 by Vivyi    Netheron Chapter 5 by Vivyi
                                        




               


  Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word. 
                                    
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:iconarasteia:
“as she peered out her window” – you recently said she jumped out of her room – is her window in or out of her room?

“Why she wondered that” – this sentence doesn’t really make sense to me. I don’t know what you mean

“it was all for the burning blaze” – I think this could be worded a bit better for greater impact… perhaps ‘her attention had snapped to the burning blaze’?

“outside of her building from her window” – maybe just ‘outside of her window’? The audience can construe it’s outside of her building if you just say window

“fatally consumed the land” – I think this would be stronger and snappier if you just said ‘consumed’ without ‘fatally’. Fatally seems a little unnecessary and the sentence flow is smoother without it, I think

“every branch of air” – not sure I know what you mean by this. I automatically take ‘branch’ as in ‘tree’, which makes sense in the context, but the ‘of air’ throws me off. If you just mean air, maybe consider using a different word instead of ‘branch’

In a tense time like this, I’ve often found that shorter sentences work better to quicken the pace, unless you’re aiming for a kind of garbled, stream of consciousness form (which I often do). But compare: “The flames danced in the strong winds as it fatally consumed the land, and every branch of air threw itself further towards the building they were sleeping in” to “The flames danced in the wind, consuming the land. Every branch of air threw itself towards the building.” To me it sounds a little, I dunno, faster? Still not perfect, of course, but you get the idea

“knocked him to the ground” – to me, ‘knocked’ suggest a forward force, like pushing or shoving, yet if he’s sleeping on a bottom bunk, wouldn’t she have to pull him towards her to get him on the floor?

“thrashing his arms” – ‘thrashing’ has always seems to me like something that you would do yourself, not something someone would do to you. I get what you mean, but maybe another word might be more appropriate? Actually, to be honest, I don’t really get what you mean. It seems odd to me that to wake someone, you’d grab their arms and wave them in the air. I’d find it more likely that she’d shake him, or slap him, or kick him, or even roll him over

“at the site of her voice” – okay, a couple of things here. Do you mean ‘sight’ of her voice? ‘Site’ seems a strange word to use. If you do mean sight, you can’t really see voices, so maybe ‘at the sound of her voice’?

“She couldn’t let him…” – this and the next two sentences all start with ‘she’ – maybe break up these beginnings to avoid sounding repetitive?
“torn by the beastly flames” – as far as I know, flames don’t tear. I know what you mean, but I think it’d be smoother if you replaced it with a more appropriate word

“Not even by the slightest of Estelle’s sickening jealousy” – not sure I understand what you’re saying here. Perhaps make your meaning clearer?

“He darted out” – Since you haven’t mentioned Otto in a while, I’d use his name here so the audience is sure who you mean

“he saw Mae” – you just said he darted out from under the covers, so was Mae pinching his cheeks and thrashing his arms while he was under the covers? Also, does the fact that he was under the covers mean he dragged them off his bed when she pulled him off? And he doesn’t really need to see these things, does he? Can’t he feel them?

“her grip tight in her hands” – I think this is worded a little awkwardly. Maybe “gripping him tight in her hands”? And do you mean she has his wrist? Maybe say that, because I imagined him slung over her shoulder or something

“she raced out of the door to sound the town bell” – could you show this? Something about her aiming her feet towards the town bell, just seeing its outline between plumes of smoke, that sort of thing

“a colossal of rain drops” – colossal isn’t a noun, it’s an adjective, so do you mean there to be a noun in here?

“even she would be devastated” – why? Is the forest important to her?

“the building Estelle had taken so highly of, now shouldered itself with dust” – this is just a very bizarre sentence, in my eyes. I’ve actually noticed that in your work quite a bit – peculiar usage of words and syntax. I assume it’s part of your style, but sometimes it goes a bit far, like this. As far as I know, you can’t ‘take highly’ of something. You can ‘think highly’ of something though; do you mean that? Also, ‘shouldered itself with dust’ – generally I believe shoulder means to carry or bear a weight or burden… so maybe ‘shouldered a layer of dust’? I don’t know… this seems to me to be quite a snag in your technique… sometimes it’s fine but sometimes it gets distracting and confusing. I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it, but maybe you should go back and check for more things like this. I’ll point out any I see from now on, distracting or not, because I’ve been putting them down to style so far, but to help I’ll mention them

“the only remaining object left” – a bit of tautology here. ‘Remaining’ and ‘left’ both mean the same thing – I think you could remove one if you wanted

“specifically” – you say this twice in quick succession, so I’d take out one or the other to avoid repetition

“in grievance of” – another strange wording. Could be correct but I’ve never encountered it before. Maybe ‘grieving for’? Even better, can you find a way to show and describe her grief? Sighing doesn’t quite convince me of her sorrow

“deepening concern” - another. I think this could simply be arranged – perhaps ‘his concern deepening’

“sided with the Rose Maiden” – I thought the Rose Maiden was Estelle? Clearly he had never sided with her, but if he had, wouldn’t THAT be a good thing? Wouldn’t he be throwing them out for NOT siding with her, if it’s her orders?

“she will find a way for you to do so” – do what?

“crossing his arms in the back” – do you mean behind his back? Maybe simply say this, to make it clearer

“if not more” – how could he mean more than every word?

“work against you with grief” – why are they working against them? I’m really confused. I thought Monette was Estelle’s servant, so wouldn’t he be working with them? If it’s because he’s damned them to Estelle’s servitude, why did he ask them to arrest her in the first place? And if he’s supposed to work for the princess, why is he making a public condemnation of her? Isn’t that dangerous?

“Julian warned” – who is Julian? If it’s Monette, I would stick to calling him that to avoid confusion

“you know I don’t do business with witches” – what? He doesn’t? But again, isn’t he working for Estelle?

“kicking them out of the town” – I think now you have room to expand, that this scene could be explored in more detail
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Estelle's wrath has strong consequences. :ohnoes: I hope nobody died during that fire, though, because being responsible for someone's life would only burden Mae in this seemingly hard journey that's still in front of her.

She seems physically strong is she could knock Otto so easily. Big chances of actually accomplishing the goal.

Those people got rain... in a way that was not the most pleasant to them. Guess this way Estelle is attempting to teach them that's it's dangerous to even try to order anything from her.
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
It really does. Note to self: DO NOT makes Estelle pissed ever... lmao

Poor Mae though... having to go through that fire. She's lucky she got out, but at what cost?

Hahaha I think all of those self-defense classes that she was put in, really helped her in the long run xD She could probably do some serious damage to Otto, who's probably thinner than a rail and actually underweight.

Indeed ;P One should never double-cross Estelle :nod:
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Though there was some dark humor coming from the one who caused rain in this chapter. :lol:

Otto would better not piss off Mae, too! It's dangerous to anger girls~
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
True ;P I am a real sucker for dark humor LOL

It really is~ you never know what you'll get with woman >:3 We are the LAST people you'd want to piss off mwahaha
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Estelle reminds me a lot of what it's like to be a writer, in some respects... Does she control everything or does she in fact control nothing? Definitely something to think about. I love the symbolism that is consistently used throughout. 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe, I would say Estelle tries to control as much as she can, but in actuality can't control anything. At least that's my POV :XD:

Thank you <33
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
So true... :nod: Like how sometimes when we write, our characters and ideas just seem to take on lives of their own. Even though we try to control it, sometimes it's hard, and the next thing you know you're swept away. Or something like that. xD

You're welcome. <3
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hanging ending Waaaah! 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It won't be long before  I release  chapter 5, no worries! :XD:
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
starting countdown :shifty: 
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