Seven (Purging)The wounds you left upon me have long since healed over,
Though I no longer feel them I find I can still recall the moments when the ache was fresh,
Still echoing through my thoughts and words and lungs and I was
Left staring, unblinking, as the evidence of your touch peeled and chipped from my fingernails,
All while resisting the urge to rip at myself and they say,
They say it takes seven years to grow all new cells,
Seven years to purge you from my skin.
Seven years, seventy showers, the seven seconds it took for you to finally, finally whisper the truth and,
I can no longer stand the sound of your breath.
Your huffs of denial and your silent indifference,
Somehow they splintered more than your words and tears and promises that panned to
nothing ever could.
Somehow they splinter and shatter and bring with it triggers and clarity, burning across the skin I allowed you to touch but,
I am alive, for all the hell you caused, all the shards of your words and lies that
Shifts and ChangesI think I’m shifting again
A slow progression to the churning seas
A gentle trek amid rising pines
I think I’m moving again,
Beginning and ending
No longer reversing,
No longer rewinding.
And it is fear
And uncertainty and doubt
Sliding against each other in slow tandem
When before the movements were frantic
I am shifting.
Becoming and returning.
Progressing and forgetting
The words said that sent jolts of panic through my heart
The memories relived that tore screams from my lips.
They fade and fall and linger as wisps and nothing more
I am shifting.
I am changing.
I am sand wearing down stone
Water ripping through Earth
Fire felling forests
Rain remaking them anew.
I am shifting.
I am shifting.
Harmed and HarmingI hurt you today.
Hurt and hurt and hurt.
Broke and shattered,
Deep and quick,
Sleek and hidden,
I found it all.
Everything protected, everything concealed.
Torn apart with knives of breath,
Shredded within blurred light.
You hurt today, hurt and burn.
I shift, shift and ache.
Breathe and count,
Count mistakes, count lines,
Dozens, thousands, circling, and retracting,
Hurting and healing,
Cutting and burning.
Harmed and harming.
Breaks in skin,
Burns in mind,
Peeled back, stripped bare.
Unable to retract, unable to diffuse,
Unable to snuff out.
I hurt you.
Something Greater than LoveEntry #1. Something greater than love.This crossing of paths is nearly impossible to explain. I cannot fully translate my perception into words that make sense. The peak of which I reached when I was with him is indescribable. Serenity, euphoric, simplicity, symbolic, ecstasy, therapeutic, these words barely scratch at the surface of my heart. When I gently touched his scars, I peered into his estranged dark. Sometimes, our secrets are hidden in plain sight. It can cost a lot of pain to reach for any emitting light.I blindly reached for his hand, and he did not hesitate to reach for mine.When him and I were stood side by side, I would get shivers up my spine. There is this certain energy between us. It is a cosmic-magnetic feeling. The force behind our thoughts and fantasies of the future were overpowering, unknowingly. We were scared of each other, and we did not even know it. The truth behind our eyes were clouded by one another. Our anxiety-tolerated bodies were not accustomed to experiencing peace. We did not know what it meant when we smiled at each other. It was as if we have never smiled before in our lifetimes.We witnessed the hurt behind our hearts before we experienced the healing in our cores.Healing, that is what we did to each other unconsciously. We were each other's medicine. Every glance refueled scarce confidence. Every hug was a bandage. Every kiss was a crutch. The bouts of laughter was us giving life to new galaxies in our minds. When we held hands, it was as if we were filtering out the pollution of loneliness that infested us. The past that infected us slowly regrew layers of trust. As the hours past, we felt like we were slowly becoming worthy enough.It may not seem like much, but, I know in my soul this is...something greater than love.
My SaviorSheís sweet as honey and calm as rainBetter than whisky to get me through painHer laughter is better medicine than weed can provideHas me desperate for a little peek insideThat beautiful mind exploding with intelligenceMaybe with her I can finally give up the substanceThat numbs me until I no longer feel sadMaybe with her life isnít so badIt confuses me, what is this feelingThat has me elated far past believingThe world is full of different shades of greyUntil she brought colour and I need her to stayMy survival depends on her embraceIím desperate to reduce the spaceBetween her and I, I just need one kissThere is nothing that makes me feel better than thisDamn, this feeling has me weakIím losing my words, I canít even speakI want herI need herI crave herMy savior.
She's Ready (A Song from my 19 year old Self)Starlight night, tears are shed,not alive, yet not fully dead.She says in a shallow abyss"How did I let my life get like this?"Just sitting around won't makedreams come true,your dream gets accomplished byeverything you do.Nothing in the front of her,nothing over her shoulder;she's not a little girl anymore,she's grown older. But she is ready to start moving on,she is ready to start being strong.She has dug a big hole for herself,but she's ready to start climbing out.Blamelessly devoted to turn her life around,but first she's got to pick herself upfrom off the ground.She says "I am not going to die this way!I have to make the best use of every single day!" And she is ready to start moving onshe is ready to start being strong.She has dug a big hole for herself,but she's ready to start climbing out. Now she's ready for anything.Are you ready to hear her sing?She's waited patientlyfor this moment to arrive,when she can say that she's alive,she's done more than just survive.She won't settle for anything lessthan all her goalsóbecause she knows in her soul,SHE CAN DO ANYTHING! Because she's ready to start moving onshe is ready to start being strong.She has dug a big hole for herself,but she's ready to start climbing out....
Rain Song Rain, rain, don't go away until my fears are washed away.A girl with a then evergreen life, watches the heavy rainfall outside the window, with the meanings of words she did not know existed exploding like rapid fireworks inside of her. Even without believing the world was watching her, she smiles unabashedly. So gorgeous is the way we love when we're young, light, carefree, unfiltered love, before the world has yet to try to redirect which way the river flows, that is, what one should love, and one should hate, what love and hate is and is not, and that there's nothing ever between the two. With new evergreens planted in my life now as a woman I feel like I want that rain back, where others only want sun. Where others are walking in "sunshine" that is not theirsĖ that may not even be sunshine to them, I want to turn the other way, and walk in my rain, sing, dance, cry in it, and let it cleanse me. Become the flawed, imperfect angel I've always
dreamt of being. 'Til the real sunlight sees its way through, touches me the way only true light can, and I discover one day there were vibrant and beautiful flowers planted with my evergreens, I will open my umbrella to sheild from the artificial light of what I see as just a fancy chandelier in the sky. 'Til real sunlight come warm me dry, I will be drenched under my rain.
Too FarYou’re okay.
You’re okay and you went too far but
You’re okay and you
Let yourself go let yourself imagine
Let yourself hope and you went too far but
You’re okay you’re okay
Just breathe, breathe and rewind, rethink but don’t relapse
You’re okay, you’re okay and your,
Fingers are trembling and chest clenching as ringing words echo in your mind as
You turn on all the lights and sit in the brightness
As your heavy throat and warm skin turns to ice
As the shivers and the joy and the pleasure go and fade and
You’re okay you’re okay this is
Always how it was supposed to end and you
Always knew you always understood and
You’re okay you will make yourself okay you
Didn’t really care in the first place you
Never really hoped in the first place you
Let it go too far, let it push the edges and
You didn’t even know where the lines were drawn but
You passed them and you broke them and
You’re okay you’re okay
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