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About Student Artist bekahFemale/United States Groups :iconpenpa: Penpa
Put pen to paper, and write!
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Deviant for 6 Years
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Statistics 154 Deviations 4,972 Comments 32,729 Pageviews

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five more minutes by violetense five more minutes :iconvioletense:violetense 3 1 morning's light by violetense morning's light :iconvioletense:violetense 0 1 baby bird by violetense baby bird :iconvioletense:violetense 1 0
Mature content
witness: or, another burden to bear :iconvioletense:violetense 3 1
on panic attacks and parties
There are so many people and so little space in the Den.  The lights are flashing and everybody is moving but nobody really watching as the strobe light pulls frames from a slow-motion slideshow and the noise, it bleeds thick, like slicks of oil that slow your mind and weigh down your limbs.  You’re drowning, drowning in a sea of bodies that move with the coordination of a single-minded monster, drowning in the waves of closeness, waves of sickness, waves of nausea that wash over you with every gasping breath.  Fight it back, ride it out, find your way to the surface and open your eyes, you are not an animal of prey—just stay in your corner, back up to the wall, where you can see everything, you can see it all unfolding, unspooling, unrolling like a film you’ve seen before but never heard of, a sense of déjà vu that sets the room spinning on edge.  (Stay away from the ledge.)  Brush off the hands that drag you down to the depths, fig
:iconvioletense:violetense 0 0
del otro mundo
Home is where the heart is,
tu madre siempre te decía,
porque en tu casa,
eres querida.
When in Rome,
tu padre siempre te aconsejaba,
porque en tu casa,
la familia tiene estándares para mantener.
Pero a veces,
home al caso ser Rome,
para todo el consuelo te ofrece,
y a veces,
misplace y displace se parecen
como escalas de gris en un mundo de blanco y negro.
Si el hogar es donde vive el corazón,
dime donde tú en cajas–
tu madre, que te enseñó
abrir la mente y el corazón,
nunca te alertó contra de los riesgos
de dar de tú misma demasiado libremente.
Sabes donde está tu corazón
tan ciertamente que sabes que
no se puede hacer hogares de personas.
No más podrías traerlos
que podría recoger las piezas que se dispersaron.
Descolocado, entonces, como
fuera de tono,
fuera de orden,
fuera de contexto–
piezas de ti que no más son tuyos,
desplazadas por las agujetas
:iconvioletense:violetense 1 0
writing home
"Home is where the heart is,"
your mother always told you,
because in your house, you are loved.
"When in Rome,"
your father always advised you,
because in your house, your family has standards to uphold.
But some days, "home" might as well be "Rome"
for all the comfort your house holds, and
sometimes, "misplace" and "displace" feel like
shades of grey in a black-and-white textbook.
If home is where your heart is,
then tell me
where you belong--
Your mother, who taught you to open your mind and your heart,
never warned you about the danger
of giving of yourself too freely.
You know where your heart is
as surely as you know that
you can't make homes out of people.
No more could you bring them back
than could you pick up the pieces they scattered.
Misplaced, then, as in
out of line,
out of order,
out of context--
pieces of you that are no longer yours,
displaced by the holes where your life was uprooted.
Do as the Romans do, then,
and adapt, learn to fit in;
let new seeds take root in yo
:iconvioletense:violetense 3 0
things of which i have learned to let go
my past with you
and the future i'll never have with you,
and the recoil of a shotgun.
the trigger.
cordite, copper, basil, beer,
words, the writing on the wall,
penned notes not written in ink.
handfuls of sand.  old seashells in buckets
that sit on the shelf and have no meaning.
buttons unbuttoned and buttons no more,
ends that don't meet, weak links in the chain,
projection, resistance, transference,
expectations, both mine and those of others.
labels, diagnoses.
bruises that bloom like wilted roses
and stain your skin, pounded flat.
scars that fade
and scars that won't,
scars you see
and scars you don't.
lock-back blades between my fingers.
wishes, anger, grief;
and, on some occasions, the shame.
monsters under the bed.
monsters in the bed.
the hotkey for pause, the hotkey for escape,
the doorknob and my foot in the crack.
the idea of
and the pressure to become
someone i will never be.
:iconvioletense:violetense 6 2
better on your floor than ever in my bed
i have not slept well without the aid of sedatives since you left.
the dreams are screamers that set my lungs on fire and burn my body to bones and when i wake up, it is in a bed of ashes and i am alone to rebuild.
i am not a phoenix
and i cannot live on smoke.
the drugs, they dampen the ground beneath my feet, the air is thick with the tension before a storm that never comes, and i choke on every breath and wake from drowning without remembering the struggle.  the memories elude me.  the forgetting is, in a way, worse.
you used to be able to beat down the blaze, to pull me from the fire-pit before i settled in for the night.  you used to make me feel safe.
in your bed, with you close, the dreams still came.  they didn’t fear you the way they should have.  but you displaced them, stood up to them and chased away the dark, and with you next to me, i slept better than i had in a year.  because when i woke in the dead of night, when i cried and no one h
:iconvioletense:violetense 12 5
el tigre by violetense el tigre :iconvioletense:violetense 10 3
thoughts of thorns
you were sent to me--
but as blessing, or lesson?
only time will tell.
:iconvioletense:violetense 5 2
Wake-up call
when you're drowning in an ocean of sad thoughts,
you don't trip out onto the beach:
sooner or later, the waves will sweep you off your feet
and you will be unprepared
when the waters close over your head.
instead, you take a deep breath
and say your prayers
and you dive in.
the quickest way to learn to swim
is to have no other choice.
:iconvioletense:violetense 11 5
Lesson learned
She fell first, and scraped herself up on impact.
By the time you were ready to let to and trust that she would catch you,
     she was no longer there.
She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and moved the fuck on,
     because she's stronger than you.
And you were left holding the pieces when you hit the ground.
:iconvioletense:violetense 9 4
Has sangrado demasiados poemas de venas.
:iconvioletense:violetense 6 0
Por error
Pudimos la fe en cielos falsos.
:iconvioletense:violetense 0 7
december 2010
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.        no breakfast.  no lunch.  no snack.  no dinner.  zero zero zero
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.        food is bad.  i don't need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.        need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.        need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.        need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't need to eat.  i don't.
i am not hungry.  i am not hungry.  must not eat.  will not eat.  cannot eat.  do not eat.
resolution for today:  i will not eat.
:iconvioletense:violetense 7 3

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violetense's Profile Picture
Artist | Student
United States
"People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like 'be realistic.'"
--Dylan Moran
Not sure where to start with this subject, but please, if you have a few minutes to spare, I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer me your thoughts or any input you might have on how I should proceed here.

Quick recap:  I know that I haven’t been very active online for a while, much less on dA, but the past few months have been a struggle for me in a number of ways.  The biggest change is I started university in the fall; in the past 6 months, I’ve moved out of state and have been adjusting to dorm housing, the distance from family and friends, a different academic environment, and an entirely unfamiliar community.  Although I anticipated how the transition might be difficult, and I did anticipate some trouble taking care of myself, things went downhill much more quickly than I thought they would.  Losing my support system, taking charge of my own healthcare and being responsible for seeking help when needed, and having almost complete autonomy in nutrition/exercise were huge risk factors, and the social/academic stress made it too much.  When I came home for winter break mid-December, I had lost a significant amount of weight beyond that which was reasonable and my health was not so good.  I am now back at college, 3 weeks into the spring semester, and although I feel like I’m much more self-aware of what’s at stake now, I can already feel the backslide starting again.

Aside from contact with a few long-distance friends, the only support I have here is a counselor at the student health center; fall semester, I met with her weekly to discuss ongoing issues and immediate problems, but I have yet to meet with her this term, and I don’t know that I want to, really.  She’s a good person and she means well, but meeting with her didn’t seem to be helpful overall in dealing with the eating disorder.  There is a nutritionist at the health center, and I have the option if needed to make an appointment with a physician, but the former doesn’t seem like it would change anything and the latter is not medically necessary at this point.  I have little to no resources on campus for dealing with mental health problems at this time.

Last November, on social media (specific to my school), I floated the idea of creating an informal support group for students struggling with/recovering from eating disorders, just as a safe place/safe community where people could seek social support, talk frankly about problems, ask for advice, feel comfortable discussing issues that aren’t really addressed elsewhere.  I heard back anonymously from more than 10 students, and 5 have contacted me individually asking for more information.  So it sounds like there’s a need for ED-related resources outside of my own.  I really want to move forward with this in the new semester, but I am overwhelmed and not sure about how to proceed, and I’m scared of messing something up.  

I can’t find any clear policy on the formation of student groups at my college, and even that sounds more formal than what I was originally thinking.  I have reached out by email to administrators who might be able to advise me on any regulations or any approval I would need to form a student group as well as in relation to the logistics of meeting.  I have also reached out to the director of the health center’s counseling department.  I have heard back from no one.  So I need to create a workable plan on my own regarding where & when a group could meet, how to schedule a room in one of the conference buildings, and how to spread word.

Regarding getting information out:  Social media would not be great, because I don’t want to be the face of this issue, and a lot of people would be hesitant to respond in a highly visible environment; also, I only have posting access to the Facebook group of my class year, not the student body as a whole.  Word of mouth is unreliable and also very limited.  If I make a poster or flyers that I can put up on the corkboards (which is likely the most viable option), what information should I put on it?  How should I word it?

Regarding the actual group itself:  How can I make this a safe place, and what can I do to help myself and other students?  What can we do?

In short, I need social support relating to living with an eating disorder on campus, there are at least a few other students who have expressed similar interest in that kind of resource, but no one has a clearly defined idea of what we are trying to do or how to go about doing it.  The connection, the feeling of having any kind of support network, is what we need most.  The details are the hard part.

If anyone has any input on any of these points, please, drop me a comment, send me a message, anything.  Thanks for reading.


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birthdays Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2018
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

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Jasperinity Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2017
Happy birthday! :D
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Jasperinity Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2016
Happy birthday! :D
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