Hello. It's been a while since my sudden disappearance. As you might know, I've been having issues with my carpal tunnel syndrome lately. As it turns out, it wasn't my carpal tunnel at all. It is tendinitis that I've developed. But this doesn't even matter.
A couple of days ago, I lost the other half of my soul - my beautiful, incredible, loyal, and perfect Australian Cattle Dog, Bailey. About a week ago, we noticed that she suddenly stopped eating and rapidly lost eight pounds. She had contracted Lyme's Disease and it violently and suddenly destroyed her kidneys. It was so fast, and it was already too late. And so, she was gone. One day she was perfectly fine, and now she's no longer here. She was only six and a half years old. Half of what she should have been.
"Best friend" doesn't even begin to describe what she is to me. The moment I met her, I knew she was my soulmate. The loss of her is the loss of myself. I feel as if I'm being stabbed over and over again, but I just won't die. I feel like my heart is trying to rip itself out of my chest. Everywhere I look is somewhere she should be standing or sitting or laying down or playing. I don't have someone greeting me at the door when I walk in, even if I've only been gone for five minutes. I don't have someone to hug every night until they fall asleep in my arms. I don't have someone who will wait patiently for me to wake up in the morning and give me kisses. I don't have a constant and devoted companion who looked at me as if I was her entire world. And I was. And she was mine. She was the only thing in my life that made it worth living and full of happiness. She was the only one who loved me for everything I am and am not. Her love knew no limits, no conditions, and no end. Without her, the world is a horrible place. Without her, I don't even remember how to live. It's like losing a limb and trying to learn an entirely new way to live. I can't even breathe without her. She was the only thing I had in this entire world, and she's gone.
I've become a ghost, just a piece of what I was that's just lingering. Every breath I take is painful. I always knew I would outlive her, and I've been dreading this since the moment she was mine. But I never expected it to happen now. I thought I was doing everything right, but still, she's gone. And in the moment when I found out there was nothing I could do and broke down, my beautiful girl, my perfect, sweet girl who was dying, who could barely move, picked herself up and came over to me and laid on me, to try to comfort me. She was dying, and she was worried about me. What did she ever do to deserve such a short time? How could the world take the purest soul I will ever know from my arms with such callousness? How am I supposed to go on without her?
I know I have people waiting for things from me. Some have been waiting quite a while. But I can't even bring myself to care about anything right now. I can't eat. I can't sleep but I can't leave my bed either. I can't stop crying, to the point where the tears have burned through my skin. Some people won't understand the depths of my love for her and the abyss of despair I now find myself in. I can't bring myself to care about them either. Because they live a sad life if they've never experienced a dog's unconditional love. Without knowing unconditional love, how can they ever hope to know the conditional love of another human?
The world without her is terrifying. It is cold and lonely and unforgiving. And I can only hope that if she's somewhere else, it is better than this. She was too good, too pure for the world to handle, and now she is no longer in it.