Viergacht

So it's been hectic . . . 

Originally I was moving from the flat where I've been staying because my landlords (and good friends) have an ill, elderly parent they wanted to move in. It took a while but I found a place that would let me have the cats - unfortunately there was some kind of cock up with the paperwork and the guy rented it out to someone else, which I found out less than a week before I needed to move out. With my stuff in storage and having to stay at a B&B, I started to look for another place and something in me just broke.

I realized my relationship was never going to be repaired like I'd been hoping all this time, and I was just going to be even more alone. I've been suffering from extreme bouts of depression because of this, and to be honest I've come very close to offing myself several times. It sounds weird but really the only thing stopping me has been my cats needing me. Not a good headspace to be in. I haven't seen my family in years because they're in the States, and two of my sisters have been battling breast cancer the past couple years. Been feeling extremely guilty because I felt like I was letting them down not being there. I think maybe this is the universe telling me to just go back to the states.

Very difficult decision to make. I did love living here in South Africa, and I'm going to miss the folks here. I mourn the future I thought I had, with having my own family and someone to love and cherish me - I've lost the person I thought was my best friend, as well. It was incredibly stupid of me to think someone could love me, though. Also it's going to be difficult to find a job and afford medication in the states; honestly I'm terrified about that. I'm not in particularly good health any more, the lymphoedema in my leg that's a result of the spider bite & subsequent massive infection makes a stand-all-day nearly impossible, for example. 

But them's the breaks. I've learned my lesson, I'll never expect anyone to love me again. Some people just aren't lovable, and I'm one. At least I will have my family, and it'll be great getting to be around my little niece and nephews. All kids need a weird fun uncle, right? I'm ten and fifteen years older than my youngest sibs, and when they were little I loved coming home on the weekends from college and taking them out to movies, the playground, feedings the ducks, apple picking or whatever, so I'm really looking forward to that. And of course I'm having my cats come back with me, although they have to stay a month because of the rabies blood titre requirements - hopefully they don't forget who I am! And there's other things, too, but this is already getting long.

 So that's why I haven't been terribly active here for a while. Between the taking care of Oscar in his last months and all this BS with moving it's been a terrible strain mentally and a time sink. I fly back on the 3rd of October, so with luck by sometime after that I'll be settled in and back in the saddle. Wish me luck, friends!