Cautiously Optimistic

I just wanted to give a little update to all of you who gave me support when I wrote earlier about not doing very well. I am doing better lately. It is hard to say how it develops as this stuff can go up and down. But I am cautiously optimistic.

I had a headache for several days that is over. I still have periods of slight disorientation but have not had problems with my speech last two days.

I have been consuming more liquid and being more carful with what I eat. All of that tends to help for me. Tomorrow I have been invited to a podcast so that will be interesting. I really hope I am clear headed then.

I have been on some podcasts at different times due to my writing outside of Deviant Art. I think for me it feels good because when you struggle and doubt yourself you need some confirmation. For instance I have problems doing some of the intellectual work I did before.

When so much of your identity and self-esteem is tied up with your brain then that can be a blow. I never excelled at any sport or was the center of attention for anything, but at university I was one of the best students in mathematics. That helped my self-esteem because I am not naturally an overconfident person.

I remember being somewhat shocked when living in the US how incredibly confident everyone seemed. Even when they didn't know anything. It was one of the positive things for me to live in the US. Some of that confidence rubbed off on me. I floated on that for a couple of year. Like I was acting more American, outgoing, more confident and social.

I remember I once just straight out asked a really hot girl to join me jogging. And that was just so totally out of character for how I normally lived. She joined and we hit it off quite well. I was actually not interested in dating her. It was more of a confidence boost that I found that it didn't cost me anything to do it and she said yes.

But of course these things don't last. You get shaped by the environment you are in. Some years back in Norway and gradually back to regular Nordic introvert persona. Haha. You know when Brazilians who live here for years take trips back to Brazil their friends and family think they are sick. Because living here you became calmer and less animated.

There are pros and cons to this. I had a good friend from the Middle East. I remember he told me after a year that he had just had the shocking realization that a whole year had past without him having been really angry. It just isn't a vibe in Northern Europe that fires up people as much. That has good and a bad side.

Anyway, I think everyone needs something they are good at to secure their own confidence and belief in themselves. For me it used to be mathematics. For others it could be music, sports, being the center of attention, good humor or entertaining.

But past achievements can be a curse. If you did something really great before, it can be an albatros around your neck later. Like you may feel you can never measure up to your past self. Some years ago I wrote a crazy successful article that went pretty much viral. But I never managed to remotely replicate that success again. I don't know if I quite have the mental capacity and focus anymore to write something similar.

AI Art is something that helps give some sense of purpose and achievement. But there is often a feeling of imposter syndrome. I often have that. This sense that there is not all the much I do. That anyone can really do the same as me. I do think I make good image, but there are so many others that do that as well. And some make just as good images with way simpler workflows.

You might wonder why I write all this. Partly writing is teurapeutic for anyone I think. If you struggle I do advice you to write. I have discussed this with people who have had serious addiction problems. Simply starting a blog or something writing about their path to health helps.

The other aspect is that maybe this helps you. I think when I looked at many great artists here before, in my mind they were these perfect guys who had it all lined up. Sheer brilliance. Smooth workflows, clear vision. Now I have suddenly become one that people write to tell me how much the enjoy my work. So now that I am no the other side, I realize maybe somebody thinks I got it all figured out. Instead you are looking at the work of someone who stumbles through life.

I never wrote most of the artists I admired, because I assumed they didn't care what a nobody thought about their work. Yes, I know terrible thought. But now that I am on the other side, I know very well how much it means. Some of you writing me, inspired me to write to the people I followed on Deviant Art for many years.

Remember I was on DA for something like 9-10 years without making any Art. I used to eagerly click each day on DA to see if SMZ-69 had made some new images of Kendra, Dolly or one of his other 3D model girls. And I had a period I was really really into the work of DB-Spencer. I was fascinated by the emotional connections she made in her scenes with her busty 3D model girls.

And then there was the early AI Art period of Deviant Art. Zaloran was the first that exposed me to AI Art. I could not make sense of what I was seeing. The lines and textures was so much softer than 3D models. With 3D models it is almost as if girls are made of marble or something. But with AI art it was as if hey were made of flesh. And I remember Zaloran had these girls in vine red latex suits. That latex just looked so amazing. Like nothing you ever see in 3D modeling.

It is funny to think of that time now. Then AI Art was a rarity that stood out among the rest. Now it feels like everything is AI art. It is flooded.

Anyway... time to get to making an Idun and Vieregg image. I want to make an image of Vieregg's first fantasizing about being in bed with Idun, from chapter 1 of my novel The Hucow Liberation War.

Peace