It's not easy admitting that I spend an exorbitant amount of time trying not to dwell on the past, which is easier said than done. So much of the past 3/4 of my life (before I moved to Washington 8 years ago) was spent moving from one horrible experience to another. It had a huge part in shaping me into the person I am today, so much so that I don't even know who I am without the pain. It's only in my very recent adult life that I even had a proper diagnosis for all of my physical and mental problems and PTSD is the biggest one of them... I've had so much to catch up on things that I should have known, but didn't. My mind has been like a sponge, absorbing information and broadening my understanding of who I am and of the world in which I live (and how it all functions in the grand scheme of the game of life)....
I'm doing what I can to keep looking forward and learning to cope with my demons in healthier ways, but in the shadowy recesses of my mind, they're always lurking, popping up unexpectedly, never letting me forget (turning me into a quivering mass of shattered nerves and emotional chaos)... The vast, no man's land, bears its huge, pockmarked battleground of jarring losses with agonizing clarity.... but, they are steadily filling in like holes being dug in loose sand, there one moment and gone the next... The successes are painfully slow and minuscule, but each and every one are definitely worth noting for future 'motivational' reference whenever I have a low moment of crippling self hate, pain, bitterness, and anger. The list of positives are still fewer than a lifetime of negatives, but it's growing, there to help me carefully pick up the pieces and glue it all back together (a little less haphazard than before) to resume my pursuit of happiness...
The process of coping with four sudden deaths in under two years have shaken me deeply to my core and left me feeling particularly vulnerable. The weight of it makes it hard to breathe and the waning of my physical and mental strength have caused me to suffer numerous nightmares, the kind you'd give a limb as an exchange to forget.. Sometimes, I'm afraid to go to sleep in fear of the sea of unknowns that may come flooding in to drown me... Be that as it may, I have the consolation of knowing I'm not alone anymore, that there IS value in living and I'm loved, respected and appreciated for being true to myself (minus the paranoia brought about by a past full of manipulation, bitter deceit and playing the role of naive, advantageous cannon fodder). I still struggle to believe the things that have been and are currently said to me with the understandable wariness of a 'once bitten, twice shy' kind of individual....
Making progress isn't easy and is always achieved in baby steps, but the future is bright despite the tumultuous storm clouds hanging over my head. Despite my silence, your continued support and faith in me matters in so many ways that I choke on the words that fail to adequately convey the intensity of my gratitude toward all of you..
I apologize if my rambling emo nonsense fails to make sense... I felt compelled to share a little piece of myself to make myself heard even if it does nothing to soothe those who have lost patience with me. It's okay. I understand. It's okay to be angry with me. I'd be a hypocrite to say I hate it when writers and artists I admire suffer dry spells, then expect people to continue waiting for me to find myself again when I've showed so little progress. It's okay. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
...There's a meme quote I found some time ago, words that I cannot say who were originally written by, but they're so utterly relatable that it would be a sin not to share with you...
"To anyone suffering with mental illness... You are one badass mother fucker because nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind every day."
Alliases (past & current): Formerly known as Vege_Chan since the beginning of time, Gnatdagger, Royal_Vegeta81, Veebot on AO3
Current Residence: Issaquah, Washington
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Small
Print preference: 8 x 10
Favourite genre of music: Rock, Heavy Metal, Alternative, Techno, Dubstep
Favourite style of art: Traditional (pencil & ink)
Operating System: Windows 7
MP3 player of choice: Sansa: SanDisk e280
Shell of choice: Invincibility
Favourite cartoon character: Bumblebee, Sam Witwicky, Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Drakken, Freakazoid, Vegeta, Goku, Super Buu
Personal Quote: "I reject your reality and substitute my own!"- Adam Savage