Kumbayah ( READ: The Searing Cross )

Animated WIP / GIF of the painting process here ->

--

All written and painted with much love and care by hand.
No references used.
No AI or digital support effects used.
No critique on anatomy desired.

--

THE SEARING CROSS

Selfportrait.

The part of me, that was raised polish arch-catholic.

After almost 20 years of the fatal incident, which led to the violent cut through my soul - seperating me from both, my connection to any Christian God and to my Family - my subconsciousness is coming up with this topic.

The heavy wounds inflicted by 25 years of severe religious indoctrination on me.

The way it shaped me.

Mutilated me.

Protected me.

Enforced me.

Caged me.

Liberated me.

Distorted me.

Tore me apart.

Made me tear others apart.

Put me together.

Made me put others together.

Gave me a community with a bond stronger than anything else.

Isolated me further from my true self stronger than anything else.

That made me hate and loathe all of myself.

Making me despise and reject all of my needs that were not according to Dogma.

Marking me 'SINNER' and 'HERETIC' in all that was me.

LEAVING CHURCH 2015 WAS MY LIBERATION POINT FROM THIS.

And the decision to start the impossible approach: To find a way to actually love and embrace my true self.

10 years have passed since that Exit from the Church.

10 years of intense therapy.

10 years of miraculous encounters, deep conversations, clearing discussions.

10 years of maturing and gaining further wisdom.

Now my life is strained incredibly through accompanying my father closely on his way through stroke followed by cancer.

For me, it is so much more difficult to support someone close to you going through hardships - than going through them yourself.

And I feel more than ever before, that I need not only psychological guidance (which I have, as I am in therapy), but that need actual SPRITUAL guidance. Spiritual support.

A support I am not able to compensate anymore through my own spiritual ways and approaches - that I have developed beyond any church or religious structure through years of contemplating and seeking dialogue with my transcendent core.

And after all those years that call returns, that thirst, to be part of a community that shares the same spiritual approach as I do.

And in doing so, the heavy scars and wounds buried under time have suddenly come to the surface, without any prior warning.

To my surface.

AND I FACE A SCARRED BATTLEFIELD.

That is spread all over my inner soul.

After 10 years of clearing confrontation in strife for catharsis and peace, it has become clear, that the Christian belief in its pure form is one thing.

What Church MAKES out of - specifically the single priests concerning their own community - is a different thing. And an EVEN MORE different thing is, what your own parents and other family members make out of the Bible and its teachings.

Shit happens.

Because we have corrupt democrats on top - is democracy itself a failure and mistake?

An idea in its metaperspective and its interpretation by single people are not one and the same.

And fact is: Not the Christian Church mutilated me and my soul.

It was the single people interpreting the teachings of the Church and indoctrinating me with their narrowminded and distrorted interpretations, that harmed and scarred me for life.

WE ARE NOT FAILSAFE.

None of us is.

And in this I am convinced, that anywhere, where humans are involved, mistakes might have happened and will continue to happen. Yes of course, already in capturing the teaching and words in the Bible itself. Not to speak of Popes and any other 'human proxy' between God and the own soul. No matter the Religion or Faith one looks onto.

However, not every mistake is done by evil intention. Often by misunderstanding, limited mind, a heart turned to stone, hasted decisions, wrong time decisions, corruption or manipulations by others.

I've come this far in making peace with my soul and with my past.

I want to think bigger than those people have back then in my childhood and youth.

I want to be able to see the bigger picture.

I want to grow beyond their narrow horizon.

I don't want to limit myself to the walls of my hurt. I want to be able to pass through them, to get rid of them.

I want to grow, to embrace everything that I am, and with that everything that has shaped me.

Christian belief has been a significant part of my life for 25 years.

Simply leaving it cut out of my flesh will leave me more mutilated - but this time inflicted by myself - than the Church or any of its representatives has ever achieved.

I want to find a way to unite and make peace with that part of me.

I want to find a way to love that part of me, that was shaped by Christian belief.

I WANT TO HEAL THIS SEARING WOUND SHAPED LIKE A CROSS

- that blinded fanatics have burnt into my flesh.

I want release myself from this pain and hurt.

I want to forgive the Christian Belief that it has been abused by single men and women in my life and turned against me.

In this I deem the Christian Belief innocent of the harm that has been inflicted on me in its name.

- Nox

----

I am currently >>Open for commissions<<
----

SUPPORT ME ON  PATREON
(and get access to all unfinished artworks, uncensored versions and WIPs)

-----------

More of my handpainted art:

-----
© 2025 Van Syl Production
Do not use it in any way.
www.van-syl-production.net
-----

Follow me on Youtube |  Patreon