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Blackbeard's Rugged Tampons

By ursulav
I am female.

I am not girly. I am desperately ungirly. I look good in pink, but I feel guilty about it. For various reasons*, I would sooner belly-crawl through broken glass than buy anything marketed "for girls!" or "for women!" And I resent the fact that feminine products have me, as it were, by the short hairs in this regard.

And so, a year or so ago, I decided that I wanted a new brand of tampon. Something that was not girly, that was not pastel, that did not have flowers, and which did not make my ovaries curl up and die of shame. I do not mind having a period--I'd rather not, but eh, goes with the territory--but I detest the marketing.

It's time for a rugged new brand. A brand no one will ever call "girly." A brand you can take to the checkout counter and meet the clerk's eye while you buy it, and if they say a word, you have 'em tied to the mast and flogged.

Blackbeard the Pirate's Rugged Tampons. A product you can trust, from a name you can't!

You can buy prints of this for $10 and $20, plus shipping. You almost certainly won't, I realize, unless you have a penchant for bathroom decor that sends your houseguests out of the room looking slightly green, but on the off chance that you are that strange person, you can send me a note or visit [link] to order!

(Yes, yes, booty jokes, I know...)

*The fact I wasn't allowed to have a Skeletor action figure as a child being chief among them...
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© 2006 - 2021 ursulav
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Tim15's avatar
I just found this, and I'm dying of laughter!
ChronoGandit's avatar
This is hilariously and shockingly rough and tough.
kitalia-emme's avatar
I love this, absolutely love this. It crushes me how pink and flowery the world is as a way of putting labels on people. I wish this was a tampon brand, because that is one I would totally get behind.

Sad thing is, for the same reason that 'girls can't' I worry about my son, who wants to be an actor and a dancer, and has already heard the words 'boys don't'

I feel your pain from two different angles and generations. 

We need a company like this, not just tampons, but undergarments, swimwear, and other specifically female items that we all end up needing at some time or another. 

I cannot love this enough.
DanRStevenson's avatar
Best commercial ad ever!
BlackShadow6202's avatar
There is NOTHING flowery and happy about my period. :stare:

It's painful, it's disgusting, and I hate it. I don't use tampons. :' I don't see a reason to. I mean...It's not like I'm going to swim or anything. =^= For pete's sake, I'm usually curled up in the FETAL POSITION IN SEARING PAIN for the first TWO DAYS. After that, I'm like "Don't TOUCH me, don't LOOK at me, DON'T MAKE ME MOVE. :stare:".

But anyway....I shall never understand why they're always like happy and free and stuff in the advertising for these things.

And the ones with scented stuff...NOPE. 8I I DON'T want to find out if I inherited my mom's inability to handle most perfumes THAT way, thank you! I might be uncomfortable in my period, but I DON'T need to add ANYTHING ELSE to it, thanks!

.....that said, pads being advertised with pirate stuff would just be AWESOME. oUo
Kim-Bryan-Art's avatar
Love the slogan! I know how you feel about that action figure -as a teen I was into Lego Bionicle in which everyone looks like a robot! I got sets, but it was horrendously awkward.
DragonXBird's avatar
I  enjoy girly sometimes, but I don't think anything dealing with blood should be girly. I would definitely buy these. Does Blackbeard do pads as well?
doryishness's avatar
You underestimate my penchant for weirding out my house guests. As soon as I get my paycheck next week, I'm buying this and hanging it in my bathroom. I've always wanted it and now that I've paid off all my bills, I'm getting it. 
sesmyczek's avatar
Clever, witty, hilarious and two fingers up to stereo-typical female branding. awesome :)
PookyGurl's avatar
hysterical!! I would so buy them :)
theflashisgone's avatar
This is awesome. I want these.
Tao-mell's avatar
This totally made my day :D. I would definitely buy these!
Lady-Angelkitten's avatar
Hardrockangel's avatar
This is absolutely brilliant. :lol:
OFroakieStarO's avatar
Why the Mature Content?
OFroakieStarO's avatar
Forget that. I see now. XD
Raqonteur's avatar
I was gonna say tongue-in-cheek... but given the subject matter I'd probably better not :P
LaYeobright's avatar
"Blackbeard's Rugged Tamp- wait, what?? *clicky* .....*SNORT* AHAHAHAHA!" If I were ever to buy tampons, it'd have to be these! xD
MissSparkle1's avatar
lol, I just took my brother's action men when I wanted to play with them. Advantage of having a brother that doesn't mind you doing so, meaning I didn't need to ask for 'boy' toys. I'd just ask for the 'girl' ones and then mix them with his. much more fun, lol. Not that I was very girly, I loved outside games and building dens, going on adventures ect.

Heh, I can't help but feel that if this product was real, there would be a lot of boys accidently picking it up before realised what it was. Some might not even look at it properly until they got a funny look at the till. Although it would make it easier for guys ordered by their girlfriends/sisters, ect to pick up tampons.
BlackShadow6202's avatar
I'd go without the period, or at least the cramps if it was up to me. OnO And I never did understand why they always have frilly, fu-fu, girly marketing for femanine things like tampons and pads. What's so pretty about one's period? I'm an emotional MESS during that time. Not to mention constantly tired...
OFroakieStarO's avatar
I know how you feel.
DrTeaRex's avatar
roflmao. This is awesome. I know quite a few people who would gladly buy this if it were an actual product xD
DelphiPsmith's avatar
LMAO! This is brill...
MajaDalgaard's avatar
This just made my day, thank you!
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