literature

Love a Poisonous Mother

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Literature Text

I sit there waiting for her, the mother who emotionally manipulated me my entire life. I sit waiting because she’s always late and I’m always early. Looking around the restaurant is getting more crowded. Happy families, grandchildren seeing new babies, parents celebrating their child graduating college, a nervous man that nervously fiddles with a ring box as he waits for his girlfriend to show up so he can pop the big question.

Yet I sit waiting for a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

My mother arrives, skinny and pretty, not like me. She smiles and sits down next to me asking me how I am for all of five seconds before talking about herself and her accomplishments or problems, it depends on if she’s looking for pity or a pat on the back.

Damn I hate her.

Still, I decide not to tell my issues with her, as I’m already stuck paying the bill, and while she normally doesn’t order anything expensive, I don’t want her to try to just to get back at me. We order and I have to listen to her go on and on about anxiety’s she’s face and depression she’s gone through.

Bullshit.

I know she is a succubus of manipulation, but she isn’t even aware of her own horns, her own sins, yet I see mine every time I look in the mirror.

Eventually as are meal comes to an end and the waitress tells me to pay up front when I’m ready, that’s when I know to tell the succubus what I really think of her.

That she is a narcissist who can’t see her past herself, who has never been there for me, I want to call her every nasty name in the book and that she can’t play the victim anymore, not when she’s done worse. Still I remain calm and don’t lose my cool and ask her how long she’s been drinking again, there’s no way in Hell or on earth that she’s sober.

Still my question is met with silence; her eyes look to me, wanting to cry but also to slap me. I’ve offended her, I know I have. Yet she’s a queen you offend her and she’ll scream and cry victim, and I get pissed on. She offends me and she’ll plead ignorance. Ignorance that I can’t plead.

I seem to have shaken her to her very core, has she finally realize what a monster she’s been and will try to work on bettering herself as she’s say she’s been doing? Will she whine to her parents say I’ve been abusing her, even though I’m her daughter, their granddaughter, it doesn’t take a genius to tell that they love me more than her, but they are two nice to admit so.

In the end she leaves without another word, and I know what will happen, she’ll avoid me for a few weeks and then call me again, saying she loves me act like this whole thing never happened, like she has before.

Still what was said could never be forgotten, and the next time she wants to guilt trip me, I’ve given her more ammunition to use against me.

Maybe she sees the demon inside, maybe she doesn’t care.

I want her out of my life, I want to move on from her, but I’m bound by bloody ties that are very hard to break. I just want a mommy.

Damn me for loving her.
This is theme number two: Love as part of my 100 themes challenge

This is also a writing exercise I discovered called "letters never sent" where you are to write out a situation and say to a person what you've always wanted to say.

I'm classifying this as fiction, as I've never had this conversation with mother, and this scene here never happened, but part of this is also non-fiction as I do have a downright toxic mother who has used emotional manipulation and guilt trips against me, pretty much my entire life, I just never realized it as a kid, but as an adult I just want her out of my life, but I do love her, and love is something that's hard to let go, even if you've been hurt so many times.
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