literature

Radio Interview (another meme whyyy)

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UnoSombrero's avatar
By UnoSombrero

Literature Text

Good afternoon, folks!  Next up on our Luminaries program, we've gone the whole nine yards and brought you the Twelfth Hour's star crimefighting team: the Interminables.  That's right!  Edmund Templeton is the Hour Thief, complete with hat, cape, and bitchin' sideburns (come on, ladies, you know you love 'em), and he is in the studio right now side-by-side with Dr. Istvan Czernin, better known to our hypothetical European audience as the spooky Devil's Doctor.  When we make a promise, we deliver!

Now, this is no ordinary program!  The two of them have graciously agreed to answer a few questions about each other - questions asked by you, our rapt listening audience, selected from a frankly staggering pool of write-in requests.  


Welcome to the program!  Anything you'd like to say before we get started?
Istvan: Only that I'm quite happy to be here, though we'd best not be too long.  We're quite busy, you know - an infirmary doesn't run itself.

Edmund: Yes. I may have the time but there's nothing I can do for him, I'm afraid.


Okay.  First question!  How well do you know each other? I mean, do you share your secrets or something? Or are you just random mates? Tell us about your relationship.
Istvan: Oh, we're quite close.  We've known one another for years, you know.

Edmund: Yes, somewhere in the neighborhood of eight. I don't think there's been any significant period since then that we haven't spoken at least daily.

Istvan: I would like to inform any of his neighbors who might be listening that yes, the house is haunted, but only at times and only so that we can play chess.


That's nice. Would you like some coffee or tea?
Edmund: Thank you. Earl grey would be lovely - black, please.

Istvan: Ah, thank you for the gesture, but no.  I've brought my own.  Of a sort.


Moving on!  Time for a few "what-ifs!"  

If your counterpart was an animal, what he would be?
Istvan: Oh, a cat, clearly.  Quick, graceful, lands on his feet.  Dodges bullets.  Cats do that, don't they?  *chuckles*

Edmund: Are these in any particular order? No, I'm only wondering. Hm. I haven't exactly given it any thought, but probably some type of bird.  A crow, or a hawk, maybe.

Istvan: Though I'd think he has rather more lives than nine...

Edmund: Well, let's hope I'm not bad luck, in all this black!


I can imagine.  What cake would he be?
Istvan: Cake?

Edmund: ...Someone asked that?

Istvan: Would an apple pie count as a cake?

Edmund: I think this question might require a more creative mind than mine to answer.

Istvan: He is American....


Would it have been better if you hadn't ever met?
Edmund: Oh, heavens, no.

Istvan: Certainly not!

Edmund: There have been times I'd never have been able to get along without him.

Istvan: If we hadn't met, I wouldn't be here at all.


What if your counterpart found you with his lover?
Istvan: Excuse me?

Edmund: ...That situation is so astronomically unlikely I'm not even going to consider it.

Istvan: He certainly would never find such a thing.  I'm not that sort of - I would never do that.

Edmund: One thing I will not knowingly do is mess around with someone else's woman.


How would he react if you proposed marriage on bended knee?
Edmund: Oh, for the love of --

Istvan: Who wrote these?

Edmund: I'm just going to pretend you didn't ask that.

Istvan: For the sake of argument I'm sure he'd say something like 'Istvan, I'm sorry to say this, but you're terribly drunk and also get out of my house' but who wrote these?

Edmund: Yes, that's probably what I would say, or something like it.


Imagine him on a catwalk.  What would happen?
Istvan: He... wouldn't fall?

Edmund: What kind of catwalk?

Istvan: Those are those narrow industrial walkways, aren't they?

Edmund: Yes.


Now, a few questions about your feelings and thoughts towards your counterpart.  

What did you think when you saw him for the first time? What was your first impression of him?
Edmund: Most likely something to do with his being transparent.

Istvan: Ah... well, he was quite helpful.  Rational.  Oh, saw him, hmm.  That he had sideburns, I suppose.  No one has sideburns any more.

Edmund: You'd be surprised, they appear to be making a return.

Istvan: Do they?  I hadn't noticed.


What are his best features?
Istvan: Oh, he's terrifically patient.  Fearsome fighter.  Knows how to give an order when he has to, but cares very deeply about his men.  He's also brilliant.  A hard worker.  Dedicated.  The man can read anything, and speak more languages than anyone else I've ever met.

Edmund: I try. As for Istvan, I can truthfully say he's not one to give anything up easily, and if you're ever under the care of an incorporeal surgeon - I recognize most listeners won't be - it's a far easier experience than being treated by normal means. He is genuinely the best at what he does.

Istvan: And the way he manages fear!  Oh, you have to experience it to believe it!

Edmund: He's also a masterful flatterer, as you can observe.

Istvan: Nonsense.  It's all true.


What are his nastiest features?
Istvan: Ah....

Edmund: Well, he is an avatar of trench warfare, on occasion.

Istvan: ...He can be rather stubborn.  And he does enjoy his gin.


What do you think - given the chance, would he kill?
Istvan: Edmund?  No.  Not willingly.

Edmund: ...He is an avatar of trench warfare.

Istvan: You're too kind.

Edmund: Well, you are! And even if you weren't, you would still be a soldier.


If he would, then why?
Istvan: As I said, he wouldn't.  If he did... and I'm not saying that he has... it would only be because he was given no other choice.  None at all.  This is a man who would rather - ah... suffer, in place of taking a life.

Edmund: It's in his nature - or at least it has been for as long as he's been what he is. I can hardly hold it against him.

Istvan: Never civilians, though.  I never harm civilians.

Edmund: Yes, 'chance' is really the wrong word.


Could you see him married to someone?
Istvan: Ah.... no.  He's quite good enough for it, but under the circumstances... no.

Edmund: He had a wife. That's no secret; the wedding ring's still on his finger.


Is he tsundere or yandere? Why?
Edmund: Is... what? I'm sorry, are these new colloquialisms? I haven't been keeping up with them in Japanese, I'm afraid. Unless I'm mistaken and it wasn't Japanese?

Istvan: You don't know?  Edmund, what sort of linguist are you?

Edmund: I'm sorry, those words must be new.


Seme or uke? Tell us why.
Edmund: Ah, judo terms; those I understand.

Istvan: Care to explain for those of us not so blessed?

Edmund: Seme is from the verb semeru, to attack, and refers to aggression and destabilizing your opponent. Uke refers to ukemi, receiving a blow and rolling with it without being harmed.  To answer the question, Istvan is most definitely aggressive.

Istvan: You would be the other one, then.  You dodge bullets, not fire them.

Edmund: Yes, I'd say so.


Hero or villain? And again, why?
Istvan: Hero.

Edmund: That depends which side you're on, I'm sure.

Istvan: He's done some things he regrets, but he does help people and he does it better than most men I've met.  

Edmund: ...I try.

Istvan: That's all that matters, isn't it?


"No pain, no gain."  Would he say that?
Edmund: You know, I never considered it but it's not at all hard to imagine.

Istvan: No.  For all that he's made a career of fighting, he rather does prefer avoiding pain.  It isn't that he's a coward - merely pragmatic.

Edmund: On the other hand he doesn't use many English idioms, so perhaps not.

Istvan: That's because every time I try, you correct me.  'It's wagon, not washtub.' 'On the ball has nothing to do with being drunk unless you're speaking Spanish.'

Edmund: Well, I'm sorry!


Now it's time to reveal all of each other's secrets!
Tell us, has your counterpart suffered any terribly humiliating moments?

Edmund: Well, I understand there was an incident with a beehive long ago, but given how often he tells that story it surely doesn't qualify as a secret no matter how humiliating it may have been.

Istvan: Nothing that he didn't bring upon himself.


Have you ever saved him from an embarrassing situation?
Istvan: In the sense of prevention, yes.  I do try to keep him out of trouble.

Edmund: If he ever decides to embarrass himself, I doubt there's anything I could do about it. He can't be physically restrained and getting a word in edgewise is a challenge even for me when he gets going.

Istvan: I've been wholly willing to let you talk throughout this interview, now, haven't I?

Edmund: Yes, you've been very considerate.

Istvan: As you so often say, I do try.


Everyone has some weakness. What are some chinks in his armour?
Istvan: ....I may know a few, but I'm not about to share them, irregardless.

Edmund: You're doing that on purpose.

Istvan: That is possible.  Merely as a demonstration, you understand.

Edmund: I'm not about to share yours.

Istvan: That's because I haven't any!  Wholly invincible!  I once chased a nuclear warhead into the far upper atmosphere and only lost a week!


Has he ever been broken-hearted?
Edmund: Yes.

Istvan: Yes, I would say so.


What makes him extremely happy?
Istvan: Extremely?  Ah... you know, I don't know that I've ever seen him extremely happy.  Edmund, have I ever seen you extremely happy?

Edmund: Probably, but you didn't like her.

Istvan: Oh, don't be like that.  After what she did to you, I don't know how you can say that.

Edmund: I'm not going to get into this discussion right now. To answer the question, he can and does become... manic... when things are extremely violent.

Istvan: It's part of the condition.

Edmund: I know.


What would he never say himself but has told you about?  Come on, now's your chance for a dramatic reveal!
Edmund: No, thank you.

Istvan: Dramatic reveals are for nudists.

Edmund: I prefer to remain trustworthy.


All right!  Thank you for your time.  We were truly honored to have you both.  Any last thoughts?
Edmund: You're quite welcome. Thank you for having us.

Istvan: I wouldn't mind a list of who was responsible for which question.  Not out of any sense of petty revenge, of course.  Merely... idle curiosity.

Edmund: I'm sure nothing was meant by them.

Istvan: I'm sure.


That's it, folks!  This has been Luminary Radio!  Tune in next time for our one-in-a-million coverage of the enigmatic android Diego Errazuriz and his fortress of terror!

Edmund: I'd love to see how you got him to agree to that.

Istvan: Fortress of what?
So.... yeah. Modified to make it fit the world better and to straighten out some questions. Radio talks are the best talks.

Original can be found here: fav.me/d3gkc1a
Published:
© 2013 - 2021 UnoSombrero
Comments1
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amai-kun's avatar
A radio interview, great! And good modifications too, it was nice to read. Interesting characters - I know someone called Istvan... Thank you for doing it! ^-^