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Deviation Actions

UnknownVerve's avatar
By UnknownVerve
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I happened to stumble to one of my journals that I got as a gift from one of my coworker. She gave it to me around the time i got my DUI. I was really depress and went threw a lot. When I opened the journal, the only thing i wrote on the inside cover of this journal was -
"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistake for what they are: Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, other can learn from."
- Al Franken.

So today I decided to add another quote to this journal -
"A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions - as attempts to find out something. success and failure are for him answers above all."
- Friendrich Nietzsche.

Don't know what to write in this journal, since i go threw a lot of mood swings. I just bought my favorite book (Siddhartha) and I can't help to think how my life has been like his. I grew up in a really strict christian environment. My parents are pastors and strongly believe in god, i used to also. I used to be a clone of my dad, got invited to other churches to preach, and people thought I would be a pastor like my dad.

Threw out this whole time, I was really depress. Trying to hide my feelings toward men, and praying for god to take these feelings away, I attempted (multiple times) to commit suicide. Since, it was such a disappointment for me and my family. I ended up moving out of the house, and slowly started to drift away from church and god, since I no longer desired to feel that way. I came out to my parents, and everything that I feared happened. They disowned me and was this roller coaster ride of pure disaster. All my best friends from church and family turned there back on me and started spreading rumors of me. My whole life as I know it crashed down.

I dropped out of college, and decided to move up to Seattle where one of my brother was stationed at. At the time that i was up there, I was heavily drinking, and was really depress. I moved to Seattle to finish school and to get away, but I couldn't get away. I was badly hurt and was doing awful in school. During this 6 month period on trying to make it on my own. I got conned for $5,000 and got my brother out of the army (fake suicide).

I got in contact with my old job back in Cali, and decided to move back down. I spoke with my parents and they were happy to know I wanted to move back. On the drive back down my car broke down and my parents came to pick me up. When they saw me and my tats, they were really disappointed and my mom called me the next day (since I was staying with a friend) and told me that they aren't my parents and I'm not there son. To call them when i decide to go back to church (in other words, be straight). So I decided to have no contact with my parents.

I happened to find a roommate and moved out of my friends. I was doing ok, for 6 months. I was still heavily drinking, but life didn't seem as bad. 6 months later, I had a designated driver who got really drunk and so was I. I got a DUI being underage, did a hit and run ( just into a parking lot which wasn't that far from the accident), and had to do lots of community service. I lost it that night in jail and attempted suicide again. They took me to the county jail. I just stayed there for one day, and happened to move out of were I was staying. I still didn't contact my parents, since they were dead to me.

I couldn't drive for a year, moved in with my friend (the designated driver, since he felt guilty) and I did my hours and paid what I owed. That year I worked really hard, went to work and try to control my drinking. I don't drink every day, I just don't know my limits. So I always sent present for my parents bday, and two years ago they invited me to go see them for xmas. I did and thing seem to be fine till this moment. All this happened in the process of 4 years. Now i have my own apartment, and still with my same job as a Photographer, Graphic & Email designer.

I still go out and party, and question everything. The one thing that lately keeps on popping on my head is "what do i want from life? who do i want to be? where am i going?" My parents still don't accept me, or my way of life. So here I am, about to be 23, and don't know who or what I am. All that I have lost, and what I have gained. This is just a brief summary, and though I been threw a lot, I'm not happy. I feel alone, The second youngest out of 3 older brothers and one younger sister. Life will never be easy for me, never was to begin with.

Here I am, still breathing, still moving, and for what? Life isn't fair, its a game of chance. I can work hard and not gain anything, so why does life continue for me and not for others? I don't know what to think or believe anymore. My perception of life and reality is really off.
© 2009 - 2021 UnknownVerve
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CleverBlue's avatar
Man, I had no idea.
You are definitely a strong person to have gone through all that and still come out amazing.
You should come over to my place.
I think you would enjoy talking to my roommate.
where do you live now?
UnknownVerve's avatar
i'm like a block away from south coast. dude i would love to see you, its been a while. last time i saw you, you were working at borders.
CleverBlue's avatar
NICE, I live by Mitsuwa.
Yea, lol borders has been awhile.
I'm sure I told you I work at Oakley now.

we'll have to set a day sometime soon
UnknownVerve's avatar
I <3 Mitsuwa (i'm so jealous) i go to mistuwa like once a week. yea..we live really close to each other.
CleverBlue's avatar
yea, we'll have to setup a date to hang out :D