This is not for sympathy or anything this is my life just to tell it, maybe you’ll understand me better.
Well for starters I was not supposed to be born, my mother fell off a bridge and hurt herself severely. The doctors told her she would never have children. Well then I was born, and later my sister, Crista. When I was seven my mother cheated on my father with a man, this man molested me for two years. I guess I kind of blame my mother because if she had never met him it wouldn’t have happened, also she was there most of the time it had happened but just didn’t notice. Well after Crista was born, she was maybe three or four, when went to visit family where he happened to live. He wanted Crista and me to drive around with him, I flat out said no, I was maybe ten, and I didn’t ant what happened to me to happen to Crista. Later down the road when I was about sixteen, after my mother found out, I told her I want nothing to come of it because I had already waited too long and at this point he wasn’t in our life anymore. She went against my word and went to visit him with Crista. Well I guess my mother confronted him and nothing came of it. When she got home I remember her looking at Crista and asking her if she ever wanted to see her father or wait till she was eighteen. My beautiful little sister who was eight at this time, took my hand and said “no mommy cause my daddy hurt my fufe”.
Backtracking now, when I was twelve or thirteen I used to play war games a lot and we had a fort in the woods. While my boyfriend, cowboy, and me were looking for a new fort he took me deeper in the wood then I could remember. Next thing I knew he found a mattress and he laid down and pulled me on top and started to undo my BDUs (military clothing). After that I remember running home thinking I had done something horribly wrong for what had just happened. I honestly didn’t know what to think, later he came to my house with chocolate and roses and said he was sorry he took it too far. Well me being the dumb child I was believed him. All was well for a week, other then I steered clear of the woods. After that week was up I realized the woods didn’t do it but him, so I had to face my fear in a way. Well I went in to the wood but not that area, I guess cowboy and his brother, David, followed me. He asked how I was doing I said fine, then his brother went away for awhile, and then I was on the ground reliving the week before. The worst thing of it all was about a month later I saw him and he told me “that was fine that you broke up with me because I got what I wanted anyways.”
Well I always knew that David had liked me too. One day Shiree, her boyfriend, David and me went for a swim, when we got done we went to the trailer park of the base in to the laundry room to dry off. Well unbeknownst to me, shiree had other plan, like have sex with her boyfriend there. Which left me and David alone for quite some time. It started out with just us talking then next thing I knew I was running from him in the room, which I can tell you wasn’t a big room. All I remember is that I fell and felt hands all over me, now mind you all I was wearing was a two piece bathing suit. So needless to say his hands got to many places before I could stop him. I was again reliving the attack his brother did but some how it was worse. I remember hiding out in the bathroom till Shiree got done, she knocked one the door and asked me what was wrong and where was David, I said nothing tears streaming down my face and walked, jus walked around base till I calmed down, till about dinner time casue I knew my mom would be worried.
I keep asking myself why didn’t I scream, why didn’t I do something better to get away? I know why some how I thought it was my fault that this happened to me, I still think its my fault some how. I know deep down its not but I can’t help but feel that its my fault. Sometimes I wish I could forget it there are MANY details I left out, because I’m sure no one really want to read them. Most time there are little triggers that makes me remember, some time actions people do made me freeze up and then freak out. Most don’t understand unless you’ve been there, my friend and even Chris don’t know what to do when this happened, so in turn they freak out as well. Also no one knew any of this till the summer of my sixteenth year, I guess I needed to tell it some way so I wrote a book the was non-fiction with fictional characters. Well my mother got sick of my room one day and found it and confronted me about it, and I spilled it all, to this day my father knows none for the simple fact that those three men would be dead right now. What follows was never written in that book .
Ok when I was fifteen I met a guy who I thought was the sweetest ever. Wow how that changed but anyways on Valentines Day of 2002 he gave me a fake flower with a little bear holding on to it, I cherished it for years. Well after a while two or three months I found out what he was really like, he was abusive mentally and verbally at first. Because of this I then in turn turned to drugs. I’ve done so much crap I didn’t even know what half of it was. Well we had our good time very far and in between. Over time the word he told me I started believing it, like I was ugly and no one but him would want me, that I was a fat cow, ect. So I started taking drug just to stay sane. I hid it from everyone, except my best friend who had problems too. It was to easy to get I mean his step dad supplied them. Well after I while I got fed up, In January of 03 there was a superbowl party at my church (yes back then I went to church) and this guy had been trying to get with me for a while now, one thing led to anther and next thing I knew I kissed him not a long one or anything more like a peck. Still I felt bad, so I told him and he broke down then told me” that’s fine remember all those parties at my house I sleep with those girls regularly. And from the begging I’ve had a regular that I sleep with.” Well soon he started hitting me, it started when his dad had “run dry” so I tried to convince him now was the perfect time to quit, so I tried and that night I was thrown against a wall, almost put in the hospital from me being broke in half like a wishbone and more. Well needless to say that October I quit drugs and that December I broke it off 1 year and ten month. Its sad because we were going to get married but I came to my senses.
Well later February of 05 I met Chris and fell in love from the first word at the ferry of “I could fall in love with you”, well we all know how this one ends up. Well in 2006 sometime march I believe, my mother called me and said there was something seriously wrong with Crista, she had wolf Parkinson white syndrome. Which is a disease of the heart, ok background info my sister is a very active person love gymnastics, running, everything an elevn year old girl loves to do, well they told her she couldn’t any of that anymore. She was devastated, well February of this year they found out its was worse then what the doctors told my mother. She had to go to surgery on her 12th birthday but luckily the changed the date. When she came out my mom told me what she first said, she told my mom “mom god talked to me and asked me if I wanted to come home, and mom I knew he was talking his home. Mom I told him no I have family who need me here and I need my mom, dad and my fufe. Then he told me I only get one chance then after that he takes me when he wants and I said I understand.” My sister is the most important person in my life she is my motivation, she is my world because shes 12 and has wisdom beyond her year. I will love her forever.