UnderTori

I know DA is hella dead for just about anyone who isn't really famous or have a lot of followers. But that's partially the reason why i'm posting this here instead of my tumblr or something. I just feel like venting about how miserable my life is at the moment, even though i know how much better off i am than many people in similar situations as myself. So i guess this is sort of an official all-time low for me, and by posting this i'll be able to read it later in the year or something and think either one of two things:

a) Wow i thought i had it bad then, but look how bad its gotten now.

or

b) Wow i remember that. I'm hecka glad my life has gotten better since then.

With that being said, i simply cannot see how my life could possibly get better from here. In a strange way, i feel like these next few years will be the best in my life, and then it's all downhill from there on out. Alas, i still feel like shit. 

Certain circumstances in my life make it so that i will always have someone reliant on me for all of their basic needs. My brother, to be exact. He will never be able to take care of himself, and has a lot of meltdowns. But i know that's not what upsets me. It really doesn't. What only upsets me a little is that i will not be able to pursue a full-time career. One that i had always wanted to achieve. I wanted to go to school and get my doctorate in psychology. Then, or course, i realized that that would ultimately be a waste (not in a negative way, but in an honest way.) I'll end up having to spend nearly all of my time at home caring for my brother who struggles with severe autism, OCD, and other disabilities. He requires a lot of attention, and since i refuse to put him in some institution, that'll be all on me. Again, i'm signing up for this, so i'm not all that upset. I'll most likely be receiving financial assistance from the government, though that will most definitely cover everything, it'll help significantly. But my best bet is to have assistance from therapists (trusted, of course.) some days of the week long enough for me to clock some hours into a dead-end job just to make enough to finish up the bills. I already don't have ANY friends whatsoever, but i just wish i could say that maybe i will in the future. Probably won't have time for that, though.

But as of now, i constantly have extended family members breathing down my neck about going to college. How do i tell them that i've accepted that i'll never achieve anything that requires college? They disregard my feelings, and insist that my mother and father send him away. My dad, the impatient man that he is, had discussed it with the therapists and threatened to get a court order to send him away without my mother's permission. Since he's said that the first time, he hasn't attempted anything. My sister, on the other hand, is very similar to my dad. Impatient, but not quite as ignorant. There have been very bad nights where they'd both overwhelm my brother to the point of provocation, despite my desperate attempts to calm him and deescalate the situation, causing him to lose control and freak out. Then they'll look at me, give me these DISGUSTING stares, and say "How do you expect to take care of him when he's like this?" 

My response: 

"I expect to take care of him, and when i do he WONT be like this, because i will not purposely try to overwhelm him and poke at all of his triggers just because i am frustrated with repetition. And even if he does end up in a meltdown, i would have adapted my home so that he has a safe, quiet place to be placed when on edge to prevent him from harming himself or anyone else." 

My mother's the only one that understands. And even though she understands, she has extreme anxiety and is very passive. She will not stand up to her mom when she tells us we need to send him away. She wont stand up to my sister or my father when they say bad things about me or my capability. She literally cannot, and i absolutely don't blame her. Though my anxiety isn't as severe, it's still there. So i get the gist of how it must feel for her. 

And on a personal level, and on a somewhat selfish level, i cant help but feel like i am doomed to be partnerless in life. I currently have a boyfriend whom lives with us, helps my family out financially, and has slowly adjusted to helping me out with my brother so that i can get some sleep at night. I thought we were doing pretty decently for a long time, but recently he told me that my brother made him realize that he never wants to have children. That doesn't upset me too much, because i have already accepted that i would never be able to have kids of my own, what with all of my time and effort going into my brother's comfort as it already is (to an extent). But it made me sad because at the start of our relationship he always told me he wanted to have at least one kid. He wanted a picket-fence, simple future. We've been together long enough to realize that future wouldn't ever happen. We'd have steel doors, an intercom system, cushioned walls and reinforced furniture. My brother definitely won't be in an institution, but we will all be institutionalized at some extent. And i realized once again that I very well may end up alone. Another, not dream per say, but another expectation of mine shot down. My boyfriend will occasionally break down and tell me he doesn't want this sort of life. And i really wouldn't expect him to. I'd be surprised if he did. Though he always ends up taking it back, saying that he was just upset and felt helpless.

I know what he said is the truth, and i know that nobody wants to sign up for this sort of life. That's just one expectation of mine that i don't really want to give up just yet. With every passing day it's made more and more difficult to hold onto it. Nobody signs up for this. He can leave if he wants. I encourage him to. I've seen the bruises he ends up with on his back when he's changing into his work clothes or gets out of the shower. Nasty, nasty bruises. The only really bad damage i've ended up with was a really scratched up arm, and a kick to my face. 

At the end of this, i'm able to sum it up into some questions. 

How do i live knowing my family doesn't support me? That i won't have a loving husband/wife? That it'll be all on me, and my sister wants nothing to do with it? How do i live knowing there's no light at the end of my tunnel? It's really scaring me that i can't answer the last question. How do i live??

I'm just hoping it gets better. I'm just having a hard time.