I wanted to say thank you to the kind folks who have sent uplifting/positive messages my way and to those that sent my family donations to help out. You are all such wonderful, caring people and I wish I could do more to express my gratitude, but for the moment words are all I have to offer. Thanks to everyone's help, we kept our power and internet on for another month as well as some groceries to get us through until I can get on my feet financially. I can't thank y'all enough - hopefully something better will sort itself out for the future, but for the moment I am eternally grateful that we will survive to see another day and sincerely appreciate everything that has been given to us thanks to the kindness of others. Thank you guys, it means the world to us and I hope to repay everyone back some day soon.
I'm sure y'all are sick of these journals, but I'm not one to lie about my situation even if it makes me uncomfortable..so here goes... something. I'm still working on commissions - every week - just been running into really, really hard times this year. Just wanted to let y'all know I haven't forgotten about any single commission, trust me..
I've been laid off twice this year for months at a time (this current period being the second that was only supposed to last 2 weeks..again), so I had to get another job cleaning houses on top of the others I'm already struggling with (petsite commercial work, commission work/backlog, etc.) so up to around four jobs right now, yet ironically I still have no money because being laid off doesn't pay, and payout doesn't happen until the end of the month for the new housekeeping job that's been keeping us alive, and well - backlog commissions are already paid for so it's not really a paying job so much as a "to do" list on that front (a big...to do list..) that is constantly hanging over my head like an anvil ready to drop. We've been borrowing my mom's spare vehicle to get to the housekeeping job, but after this week they're taking it back so if I don't come up with $700 to fix our car by then I'll probably lose that job too unfortunately..
Right now we don't have hot water (haven't for months) and have been taking pathetic baths out of a stove pot of heated up water that never feels completely clean, I've gotten some pretty severe lung/sinus damage at this point from the dust/mold/rot in our house, bugs have literally taken over the inside of the walls that have started to buckle/crack finally since Spring (it is...terrifying sounding at night) and there are gaps/cracks/holes everywhere in the floor where we can't step anymore, I get bit constantly by the thousands of tiny and large spiders inhabiting our house I can't get rid of, we can't wash clothes in our mini-washer anymore because drain flies have taken up residence in the bottom well and there's no way to get them out (believe me.. I've tried with bleach, etc. over... and over... and over) so we just wear dirty clothes until one of our friends/family members takes pity on us long enough to let us wash clothes at their houses, and there's literally drain fly worm larvae in our water pipes now so I'm sick to my stomach every time I wash my hands and I'm just... I'm so depressed/done with everything I pretty much go to bed hungry/dirty/tired and defeated every single night and try not to cry every day over how horribly we are living right now. We're basically at homeless levels of living, with little to no creature comforts and constantly, constantly hungry because I can't even afford food much less bills right now. Our family/friends had to band together last week to get us groceries so we wouldn't starve again, and I'm just perpetually humiliated and begging for work/money and it is the most degrading, dehumanizing experience I've ever had to suffer through for so, so, so... so long.
I've lost about 60 pounds since summer 2016 when my dad passed, a combination of stress and lack of food and depression got to me I guess. I'm still suffering from chronic nightmares, poor health, blackouts, etc. though greaterfeindDaos tries to keep my head on straight most days and keep me motivated to work. I've been working 12 - 16 hour straight work shifts to try and get ahead (and killing my body in the process), yet nothing seems to change or make any impact no matter how hard I push myself or how hard I struggle. I've done permanent damage to my hands/tendons at this point - suffer from constant, aching pains in my wrists and fingers from overworking. Our internet will probably be shut off this week (already overdue), then power next week (pushed it back once already), and after this month if we can't pay rent (which was due weeks ago) at this point we're probably going to be homeless again. For the sixth time, I believe. My point is.. I'm struggling bad. Really bad. I don't know what to do. I've been fighting a current that hates the fuck out of me since forever and I feel like all I do is suffer and get punished for trying to pursue the pipe dream of being a professional artist without schooling/funding of any kind.
I don't know if I can make a career out of art anymore, not at this rate, and despite my best efforts I can't manage to keep food on the table no matter how much I pour out my heart, soul, and mind into the work that I do and that... is so soul-crushing to me. That aside - I know this isn't something I'm expecting anyone to care about or even listen to, but if anyone has any kindness in their heart and wants to send a couple dollars our way so I can try and keep the internet from getting shut off and I can still work, my Paypal is still email@example.com if anyone wants to help in any way. I don't expect anything from anyone, but if I don't have power/internet I can't work and I don't know what I can do after that. I'm just tired of being hungry and endlessly struggling.. everything is unbearably difficult this year for some reason and I don't know if I can keep going much longer.
To my clients, I'm so ... so sorry I can't do better. I'm going to try and get everyone sorted/finished by the summer. I'm just... incredibly trapped right now under the worst financial debt and stress and I don't have the credit or time to scrape my way out through any other means. Our families won't help us get a loan, and my husband is still injured + has a suspended license so he can't work/drive anywhere even if we did have a working vehicle to use. I'm so lost on how to fix everything, the weight of it is crushing me slowly and I just wish I could refund everyone right now and be done with it. *sigh*
Anyway.. I'm sorry if I've put anyone through any sort of frustration or caused any unhappiness.
Thank you guys for all your patience, understanding, and kindness over the years.