Hello fellow internet gremlins.
I posted earlier about being ill, injured and generally having a hard time. Well folks, that was only part of the picture and it hasn't gotten any better. I was encouraged to take a break from even checking dA for at least a week with the plan to do my first art assessment of the year on schedule (today). The first few days were hard and when I hit a week it felt great and today is almost over and went 'oh, yeah, I was supposed to post today...', but I just spent a good long while staring at the blinking cursor on the blank page wondering where the hell I was going to start and how interesting it wasn't going to be because March has been a complete and utter bitch.
So instead, this is what I have:
In the past couple months I've seen artists I watch and online friends bow out of dA (one was so stressed they wanted to gut all their art accounts and wipe the slate clean) and I thought how much of a shame it was, how I'd miss them and how sad it was that they'd gotten to that point, but I understood their need to take care of themselves and recover from a burnout or cope with their stated internet addiction.
At the time I thought my lack of posting was fatigue and I tried to lighten the mood with my Crafter's Fugue
, trying to keep in mind that I needed to do something about my state of mind before I reached a burnout myself. It took me a long while to realize that I had already burned out and I had been either fooling myself or so beyond the burnout I'd just missed it and was numb. I haven't drawn a portrait in months, I barely picked up my crochet hook all month and to top it all off, my health is not what it used to be. I've never gone into great lengths to describe my chronic health conditions and I'm not about to now, but I feel the need to explain some things to the people here who have been kind to me.
I thought that when today came, I would put up my meager art assessment and then it would be business as usual. That's obviously not happened. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do now. Things have changed that have made me re-structure the plan of my Etsy shop and because of it, my timeline has changed and that's disappointing.
It did cross my mind that gutting this account wasn't such a ludicrous idea after all, but I've been advised against it. I don't know if I need a longer break or if I just need to shake the etch-a-sketch (a pox on all of you who don't know what that is).
What I do know is that one facet of my troubles has come from trying to monetize my art. I started crocheting for fun, I started drawing again for fun, I started interacting on this site because it was fun. (for those of you that don't know, my account says 10 years but I've only been active for almost the last 2 years) Then I started getting art requests and I was flattered and thought 'how simple this will be...', but in reality it caused a huge amount of stress. I sold my Baby Wyvern
and I was over the moon until I realized what I huge mistake that had been. I started getting more and more watchers and its come to the point that I can't remember you all as individual people. I remember not wanting to get to the point of not being able to respond to everyone. I was raised to be a very polite person and I have a compulsion to thank others and the like. I tried to compromise with Llama Love
and Star Hug
but even that hasn't become a useful solution. I have a difficult time rationalizing ignoring people who take the time to fav or comment and the like. Although, I must admit, its not as noteworthy as it seems. I am not your average internet gremlin. I don't use the internet on my phone, I don't have the dA app with all its notifications and check my phone neurotically while I'm standing in line or while crossing the street (yes that's a bloody daft thing to do). I actually have to take time out of my day and sit down at my laptop. When I do that and I have anywhere from 3,000-6,000 notifications, a hundred are new comments and over 600 in replies, I can't cope and suddenly it becomes all too clear why a lot of the popular people here say they read comments but won't reply, etc. In my naivete, I thought it was cold, but now I've come to understand that as just practicality. Of course everyone can agree that an artist's time is better spent on their art than endless correspondence, but see above with my polite compulsions.
I should probably acknowledge that I do not feel particularly polite right now and it hurts to say that I'm a little jaded at this point and I don't really care. It's rather a strange place to be and I'm not liking it.
Ugh, I feel like I'm rambling too much. The point is, my arts and crafts had begun as a reprieve from my day to day grind and it picked me up when I desperately needed it. That's not the case anymore and it's become painfully clear that I can't keep going like this. Doing art on demand is not something I am capable of at this time and certainly not in the near future. Much advice on this site urges consistency and with my health, consistency is not in the cards. Part of my issue in the past months was trying to build up a stock of deviations that I could release on a schedule to give the illusion of consistency, but even with that it was stressful as hell.
So what does this all mean?
Your guess is as good as mine.
To you, who made it this far: Thank you. I appreciate you for taking real time to read this.
I guess the point of this journal is to not leave anyone hanging, so the best I can do is this. If you are one of my watchers and you happen to stick around until I get my shit together, I'll be happy to see you on the other side. If I one day become one of the many dead but not deactivated accounts, well, so long and thanks for all the fish.