Never Ask Me About the Stain by ttbloodlusttt, literature
Literature
Never Ask Me About the Stain
Today, I feel it
an ache so deep I want to rip it out
make you see me, see the hole
that you keep filling with your bullshit
my role as a nothing
a penny you dropped and let roll away
I'm only worth it on a rainy day
otherwise, eat shit, be missed
no, dismissed
there is no function I serve better
than the passive bitch
nagging; but do I?
I'm just asking too much, I guess
take that, another punch to the gut
I hate this gnawing, seething, growing
Resentment
I know it well
I wish it'd just leave me be
Instead, it swells and becomes a plague
a sweltering, thirst inducing drought
obsess, obsess, impress the distress
cut the cookie stars from my matter
so I don't have to think about now
or the hereafter
never have I wanted to paint the walls
so badly
it's intoxicating and I picture them scarlet
and purple because why the fuck can't I be worth it
for once
just fucking worth it
incentivize your own self
I'll fixate on the words, jam the pencil in your ears so maybe you'll finally fucking hear
me
screaming
(lead breaks)
Behind the curtains
Mirage me, I scream
Scarlett sprays my face
Freedom for fall from grace
Love line, repine and sine
Careen
Proliferate, perforated
Along my lines
cut the pattern of this life
Reveal upturned palms
burn, burn, burn your qualms
meandering in the garden
plant snakes and kisses
chewed up bones and wishes
for all enthralled in time
I've lost mine, lost
the words aren't me, complexity
introduced and weathering
outside of me, disintegrating
the filthy paneling
the slink of metal on wet
perfectly imagining heads
cuckooing cuckoo
ascending eternal night
red from the sky
shut off my services, rip out
the frayed cords of my heart
nickel beater, twin thumb sweeter
yammering, clucking, air sucking
alarm as I tick tick tick
down this final minute
Tired of Hearing Myself Speak by ttbloodlusttt, literature
Literature
Tired of Hearing Myself Speak
I felt that
Did you sigh? Are you alright?
I saw that
A deep breath, a stagnant acknowledgment
How are we doing?
Struggling to surmise of our latent impact
Between your dark lashes, suspiria
Give in
Send my chest into arrhythmia
Let's dance in misery and fuck in a torrential sea
Of regrets
This exhaustion is catching up to me
Erase the words
Before I speak them
Again, alone in a conversation that I wish I hadn't started
Again, disillusioned by your insistence to try
I'm not allowed peace and not permitted to be departed
I swallow all
Did you notice?
Distinctly, another year flushed on your disconnect
I am spent
There are long days when I wish away
Myself and the spaghetti of my veins
Wraps around the fork that ends it
Sends it
If I knew for certain
I'd kiss the sky one more time
And call Nothing mine
Am I transparent? When your eyes search
Do they even see me? hands like churches
So they say, but I'm still waiting
Day after fucking day
Where are the fistfuls of passion?
Do I exist in that place between
When your breath sucks in
And your recall the ecstacy?
Am I so uncomplicated
That you see someone you can pacify?
Heart violently rotated to the past
Seeing furious complication 
In a lust circling the drain at last?
It's quiet here
My heart hammers
Am I ill? Is the irony that I'll be free
To become a memory?
No clue, you have no clue
And if you do, I'm mad that you refuse
to see through.
You, a sieve for my fantasies
Sterile, unflinching
This umbra in my safe space
And I wonder if it's my fear
a vulnerability so sheer
That I repress for both of us
Because love, honor and trust 
It's deafening in here
Pull the cord, cut the ties
A kiss windmilling around into
A dutiful woodchipper dispensing lies
All Seeing eyes see through
Eaten up, we go down
Like a pile of shit
Better left to the flies
Did we win the war? The one in your head?
Circling this hole dredging up every blow
And I know, I know what good we can do
If only we could spread our wings like our legs
Who knows what pain we eschew
Granular now, so petty, peck out my eyes
Over what? And I know this isn't my fault
But I'll take the blame
Giving us away
Of all of the pieces, none remain
Of me today
Tomorrow you'll pretend you didn't know
There were tears hitting my pillow
Never here
It took seconds to undo
A lifetime with you
Ferrying me to the final path
Walk away, I'll say, as if I mean it
Left feet side by side among friends
Show them your back
When they forget where to stab
It's quiet here
Reliquary
Giving us away
Of all of the pieces, none remain
Of us today
Tomorrow you'll pretend you didn't agree
With the names I whispered in dreams
Never here
Facets elude our frenzied grasp
I slither without help
Gather up my soul in pockets
Too tight to care
Awash, we sleep in the tide
Negative eyes on a monochrome