So today my most favorite actor and one of my heroes passed away, the beloved and talented Alan Rickman. I still remember the first time I ever saw a movie with him in it.
The first adult movie I ever saw, at one of those young ages where mummies and daddies shoo you out of the room late at night, was Die Hard. Before that movie I followed the very strict instructions of my mother to listen to her when she said some movies just weren't for my eyes. I remember an Easter dinner where one of the older children in the "children's designated room for the evening" turned on Jurassic park when I was six and I got up and left the room to spend the evening with my mom, sitting by the fireplace bored out of my mind listening to conversations about work and finances. I remember being the only kid in my Third grade class who didn't raise her hand when my teacher asked who had seen Titanic (and was the only child praised for her upbringing following that question).
But one evening mom was at choir practice and dad was alone on the couch watching one of his favorite films about a police officer on the verge of a divorce going to see his wife and kids on Christmas eve and being caught up in the heist of the century by a charismatic but dangerous German with a hypnotically deep voice(dear god that sounds like a porno opening when worded like that). When I popped my little head into the living room with wide curious eyes, my father didn't shoo me away but rather let me sit down with him and watch what became one of my favorite movies.
I had never read the Harry Potter books when my class was taken to see the first movie on a field trip (my school was not caught up in any of the "It's witchcraft, ban it!" drivel that other schools were caught up in), so I had no clue who Snape was. The very first scene I laid eyes on in in the theater I was captivated by him. There was something about the way he moved so sinister, how he talked so eloquently but condescendingly, the way who swooped around the room like he owned the place and everyone in it while his voice rumbled out of him that caught my interest. It wouldn't be until a year or two later that I read the books and truly fell for the character, but before that, it had only taken me five seconds of the first film to fall for the actor and his rendition of the character. When I got home and told my parents about him, my father blew my mind when he revealed the same actor had played my previous fixation, Hans Gruber. That sealed it for me; it cemented my love of the actor, my fixation with his voice, and my later near fanatic level of love for Severus Snape. That man became my hero and one of the subjects that bonded me closer to my father.
We all have our reasons for our dreams or goals, why we want to be successful or why we want a certain career. When I first started writing and drawing, I had a dream to meet my heroes. To become so famous or successful in one of those fields that I may someday walk up to my heroes and shake their hand, look them in the eye and thank them for being the inspiration that brought me to that moment. To have them look back at me and not see an obsessive fan or foolish girl, but see an artist or writer with a dream and a drive and respect me for it, support me for having tried at all. To be equals on the same level. I wanted that so badly. I still want that.
But the trouble with finding your heroes when you are so young is that many of them will not live long enough for you to grow up and pursue those dreams to their fullest. Many will die of old age or illness and you'll still be one square one, step one of your plan to success and yet another person you so admired and wanted to meet is wiped off the face of the earth, leaving behind a legacy and a heartache from a fan who never met them and struggles with wondering if they even have a right to mourn so strongly a person they never knew personally. But they way they touched our lives, WAS personal. And losing them still hurts.
Alan Rickman, you were one of those true talents that made me want to try to be somebody instead of just anybody. You made me want to shoot for the stars and be great, be inspirational enough to motivate others and touch their lives they way you touched mine. I know I am silly to some for crying so much over you when you never even knew I existed, but you meant so much to me for such a long time and you will leave a deep hole in my heart that will take time to fill. Thank you for meaning that much to me; thank you for impacting my life so deeply.
Rest in peace, Alan
You will be missed