ugh.... if you don't feel like reading this kind of stuff then please stop and... I don't know, go watch spongebob squarepants or something. Then again, it's kind of hard to decide if you don't like 'this kind of stuff' if you don't really know what I'm going to type. To be quite honest, I myself have no idea what I'm going to type right now. Let's just say, it's not going to be as happy as I would like it to be. anyway:
I am getting so tired of these moodswingy things. I mean, sure, basically everyone has them and most people cope with it pretty well, but damnation. This weekend sucked. Rest of the week was fine. stayed with my parents for a few days to fix their computers. But I came home, and found out I was already 2 days late on paying my insurance-company. I was two days late on the last possible date to pay before they would have the right to... well... find legal ways to get me to give the money. Naturally, I payed soon as I read it, and I'll have to phone the company to ask them not to send angry people over to me. Why didn't I just read the letter earlier, as I was supposed to do? ugh...
Somehow, I think that little error, if I may call it so, triggered a bit of a depression. not a real one mind you, just one of those slumpy 'i don't feel like doing anything else but think and feel bad' ones. So, as I always do, I started washing away the feeling of guilt and confusion and such temporarily by putting my mind somewhere else. Preferably somewhere outside reality. Now, when I'm in this kind of a mood, I normally don't really feel like doing anything, like I said. this means I don't draw, do my homework or anything, which resulted in me doing practically nothing all weekend long. I didn't even have dinner saturday night. Bloody hell, why am I typing this down? It's not like people would actually care about this. (p.s.- that wasn't a cry for help or attention or anything, you know just as well as I that nobody really cares about these kinds of posts, they're only suitable as deformed entertainment.) I guess this just helps me get things of my mind...
I am a media junky. Perhaps it is even growing towards... unhealthy proportions. I watch tv at least 2 hours a day, switching between news, documentaries and cartoons, my favourite form of entertainment, only second to comics. And the rest of the day, I either sit at the computer reading newsarticles, comics and journals.
Really now, I seem to have been in a constant artslump since last november, I'm falling behind on all shedules, and I haven't been out in a long time.
Maybe it's something else, something I don't like to admit, and probably won't in the near or even distant future. Maybe I am just... lonely. Not in a 'relationship' kind of way. or maybe... yes. I don't know, I just seem to be turning more into a hermit every day. Remember that 'digital hermit' picture I made? that's exactly how I spend evenings.
Seriously now, I think I'm making myself go crazy. slowly, but gradually. Not crazy as in hella cool scythe wielding outcast ninja, but, as 'kegel' (go look on campchaos.com) would say, "crazy, and in a non-entertaining way". Not quite enough to be put into a nuthouse, not even enough for counceling, I think, but just a semi-selfdestructive crazyness.
Now, having typed so much, around the time that I'm typing this, I feel rather different as to when I started typing. A bit numb actually, and that's not carpal tunnel syndrome. hmm... why am I typing this again? Oh yes. to get it of my mind. You know, a lot of people try desperatly to get reality of their mind. I think it's called escapism. I'm rather fond of it, as I may have mentioned to many times already. But to much is never good.
Say, did I use the word: 'good'? what is 'good'. Well, technically speaking, it should be the opposite of... 'evil'. or 'bad' or whatever. I'm told many times that being non-social is bad. Not a-social, as in "I'm going to trash your car" (even though my journal signature says I do) but more of a "leave me alone" non-social thing. It's bad they say. But with all this 'society' around us, is it all that bad to just get away from that? But... I'm straying of course of a subject that was already straying of course. Let's get back to that. or not.
Ugh.. but anyway, in conclusion, probably noone will read this, let alone comment on it. But it's still nice to write this down. Now, please, if you desperately feel the need to comment on this. I'm not asking for counceling, just remember that. And to people who know me directly in life and read this, don't worry your pretty little heads over me. I'm just venting some cropped up emotions.
Well, that's that. I'm off to do some more escaping. reality check!
-rolls a d20-
Is that a one?