Thought I'd put a journal here about why I became freelance and why I am pushing so hard to make this a viable career into my future.
I do freelance art as a career now because in 2014 my application to the animation program at BYU was rejected. I had a lot of problems pile on that year, and my art wasn't good enough. I changed my major to illustration before dropping out entirely. I needed to re-evaluate. I was at college on my parents dime, and I didn't want to waste their money figuring out where I needed to go. I managed to get a small job at PetSmart and started paying my rent on my own. It was hard. Depression made progress almost impossible, and I no longer enjoyed art.
I couldn't play games, I couldn't draw. I was barely surviving. This led me to drop out. I couldn't keep up. Everything that I enjoyed was ripped away from me, and I didn't know what to do. TachisAlopex (FA), Spirit_Dancer (FA), and other friends helped me greatly at that time. Spirit_Dancer helped me hold onto hope that I would eventually enjoy drawing again, but to try changing up my routine with it. Tachis has always supported me in my freelance career, even when I doubt myself, and he continues to do so. It really means the world to me.
But it was still tough. I didn't know what to do. And no matter how hard I tried, I still didn't enjoy anything. Art was all I knew how to do. So, I did it when I could. Even if I felt nothing, I kept drawing and playing. I hoped, eventually, I would love it again. And eventually, I did! The feeling came back. I do not know what caused the change. All I know is that I kept moving forward as best as I could, and I held out hope for a better future. This solution is not for everyone, but I'm happy that the joy of creating returned to me.
I'm still not completely better. It left a scar that's remained ever since, but I try my hardest from day to day. I procrastinate a lot, and motivation is very fleeting. I have to teach myself how to draw even when I may not be motivated, but also how to not push myself past exhaustion. It's very tough, and it makes me sad that I can't endlessly draw like I could when I was younger. That scar left it's mark and did slightly change who I am. Scars will do that. But I have my drive, and I fight on, regardless. I do my best to work hard and improve my art. I'm passionate about it, and if that extremely hard bout didn't stop me from drawing, then I'm not going to stop. And I'm going to keep going.
I also say this to let everyone know, whenever you tell me that you love how expressive my work is, you have no idea how much that means to me. I'm a self-taught perfectionist, and in Animation, I was taught to not be a perfectionist, and to not think my art was already great. It was good advice. They need their students to learn, and they need to be able to teach you. Their students will grow into better artists.
I know my art was too stiff and wasn't good enough then. And I've worked so hard to make it flow better. I fight against myself all the time to exaggerate my work. It's really hard. It doesn't come naturally for me. I struggle greatly in overcoming that. So to hear so many very different people say the same thing about my art now really means a lot. I really am grateful for that, and I will continue to push myself to work hard to get better than I am now, because I know that I can be a lot better.
Freelance is the career that I want to do. It's hard. And I have to push myself, both with the business and with art in general. But it's something that I can do. I feel at home in this environment, and I want to continue on.
Listening to: Podcasts
Playing: Gears of War 4